The Ever-Evolving Compendium of Satan’s Minions
In one of my posts, I made reference to the fact that it is my belief that cats are Satan’s minions. Which led a commenter to state that she believed joggers were also Satan’s minions. Which made me think that I need to keep a list, to keep track of that which is evil in this world. Feel free to contribute. Feel free to debate. (But in the end, I’m right.)
THE LIST:
Chickens
(Evil Chicken by Chorizo)
Cats
(Monster, Teh Cat by violet_bibop)
Joggers
(joggersby estherase)
Nancy Grace
(Nancy Grace CNN Headline News by dallee)
The “Snuggie”
Ann Coulter
Praying to Darwin 
I agree that all of these things are inherently evil. That’s why I own a cat. I would like to add The Snuggie to the list of things that are evil, if I may. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huo7h53G0IM
I nearly didn’t allow it, Gwen. But since the husband has been begging me for a white one (so he can pretend he’s the Pope, and say all manner of blasphemous things), I’ll go there.
mosquitos? are they evil?
Gonna have to go with a no on mosquitos,
Carrie. I just feel like they’re stupid, not mean. Ask me again in July, though.
How about facebook status lines that are about daily tasks…and/or end in exclamation points? “Emma is doing laundry!”, “Julie is going shopping!”, “Christine is home!” Hmmm on second thought, those may just be annoying.
Oh, wait, I might have one. What about “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson? I don’t know what it is about that song, it just pulls me in, even though I want to hate it so damn bad…
Map, you know how I feel when mouth breathers post their statuses. But I get so much joy out of laughing at them, I can’t drift to evil. (And I don’t hate Man in the Mirror. I hate MYSELF for loving it. And for crying one, perfect tear every time I hear it.)
I would like to personally push Nancy Grace down the stairs. Or up the stairs, it doesn’t really matter.
AND, now that CNN finally got rid of that blowhard Glenn Beck, they’ve found a super annoying lady named Jane Velez Mitchell to take his place and rant on endlessly about missing or murdered little white girls or other “high profile” and “sensational” crimes.
All the News That’s Lurid Enough.
Arrgghh.
Your blog is NOT evil. Glad to have found it. 🙂
Gotta go with Ann Coulter.
HereinFranklin: I wholeheartedly agree.
that particular cat looks evil. so he’s gotta be Satan’s minion.
Yes, I agree, Nancy Grace does appear to be satan. 🙂
My first experience with Nancy Grace was at 3 a.m. in an over-booked bus station in Richmond, VA, at top volume, under hideous fluorescence. She screamed for hours. I seriously, seriously, thought I was going to go crazy.
Are you still adding to this? Are people who name their children one name and then harp on an alternate pronunciation evil? Like calling your kid Maryanne and saying “No, it’s Mah-ree-ahn, like the French” every 5 seconds?
How about people who wear too small undies that bisect their butts into 4 cheeks instead of 2?”
Oh, I’m sorry. I misread. I thought it was a pet peeve tab. Do carry on with the notation of true evil.
I’d have to add clowns to the list. Spawn of Satan, definitely.
I’m a minion to Satan? So that’s why….
Being a jogger really has it’s own labels. 😉
I’m with you on Ann Coulter.
Definitely with you on the cats. And Ann Coulter, though she may well be Satan himself, not a mere minion.
I would add to this list the band Creed. Clearly, they are Satan’s soundtrack of misery.
I concur. Ann Coulter is not a minion of Satan.
She’s a competing franchise.
Hey –
I’ve only just found your blog (why? where have I been looking?) but thought I’d contribute…
Seagulls.
That is all.
nuttycow called my attention to your blog and so I have found it VERY interesting… hehehehe
What’s evil???
I agree with the cat’s thing… but there is one thing that is absolutelly evil… and the biggest proof is that all of us who have one, can’t live without it: iPhone!
Am I right?!?!?!?!?!? 🙂
Check out http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com to really see the evil in iphones.
Rush Limbaugh.
I submit for your approval cyclists and jackasses who drive Audi’s… I have yet to see one who knows how to drive.
A-Freaken-Men!
http://failblog.org/2009/06/10/puddle-win/
that would be an audi being a jackass.
And those BIKE people. GAH, the spawn of satan and Ann Coulter.
People who don’t pick up after their dogs = evil.
I have a dog, and I feel like a total nerd on the way back from a walk, carrying my little bag of poo, and it’s totally gross…but I do it, because nobody likes to step in shit.
Worst thing is when you don’t even realize, and then you start smelling something bad…sniff around, and find you’ve tracked the prize left by someone else’s furry friend all over your carpet.
I once saw something in a giant chicken suit jogging down the street with a cat under under its arm. So…evil, right?
Also, cyclists and Audi-driving jackasses can’t both be evil, because they’re diametrically opposed. C’mon, that’s 10th-grade science class stuff — pick one and go with that. I suggest the jackasses.
Please, for the love of all that is good, my must include Paula Deen in your list of Satan’s Minions. That woman scares the shit out of me . . .
http://www.pauladeen.com/
Um . . . that would be “YOU” must include . . .
Sheesh! Maybe I should be on this list . . .
Oh man, gotta agree with tysdaddy on the Paula Deen thing…*shudder.*
Wish to submit for the approval of the midnight society…or at least our dearest Ginny, ads/websites/etc/etc that use or support pop-up ads…nothing in this world can be so evil as the popup. (And to any of those dustflavored trolls reading this, yes there are useful popups, and no I am not referring to those…)
That Anne Coulter thing had me feeling my throat for a good 10 minutes. I feel some relief. Not at finding that I’m not evil…just that I’m not, apparently, Adam’s-Appled.
I think people underestimate the evilness that is the chicken. Sure they start out all cute and fluffy and adorable. But once they get their feathers all hell breaks loose. They will hunt your ass down! They will see you across the yard and like a guided missle they won’t stop until they have taken a chunk out of you. The only good chicken is a dead chicken! (Unless it is making me some eggs)
I agree with this list wholeheartedly. Of course, even though cats are inherently evil, I still love the little buggers. Kill my allergies, pee on my roof, teach my dog how to arch her back little buggers.
I’d say that this list needs two more things to be complete, though… Jon & Kate (not the 8) and Heidi & Spencer. I swear to god, they are the most annoying people on the planet. And I have Nazis for neighbors, so that’s saying something.
…Also, Chris Brown and his damn bowtie.
First off, I love your blog. May I submit for consideration of the satan’s minions list the evil creations that are grasshoppers. Anything in this world that jumps really high AND flies is just plain evil. I mean, they just come right at you and hang on with their little sticky feet. Ughh!
I nominate jackrabbits as evil. I truly believe that they crawled (or maybe hopped) out of the depths of hell! First of all, at night, their eyes glow RED! And they’re homicidal. I swear – They will jump out in front of your vehicle in an attempt to get you to swerve and have a fatal vehicle accident. Evil I tell you! EVIL!
Mice. But then that would make cats good. I’m all confused…but I agree with AidensMom about the grasshoppers. Those little bastards can go straight back to the hell from whence they came!!
At first I was envious of your writing prowess. Then I was in awe of your moxie for putting a tab up entitled “Evil”. . . . you’ve won me over. I will watch and learn.
Cyclists! Evil evil evil …
oh. my. god. i read your blog about odor. then i read the next 3… now i am here… and i am laughing and crying! chickens! Nancy Grace!
love it!
Large birds in general. Like emu’s.
One look from those things and you’re scarred for life.
or even roaches. because they NEVER. DIE.
…
unless you drown them in a pool of lysol.
Finally – others who realize that those fuzzy little chicks are evil waiting to grow up. The only thing my fearless 2 year old was afraid of was a chicken. Not clowns, or monsters, or trying to jump off the roof or climb the curtains. Just chickens. (I think he’s outgrown it – but they’re still evil).
Dick Cheney…and I wonder if they bricked up his direct portal to Hell when he left his offices after the election?
1) Anyone claiming disasters are God’s punishment for our purported sins, and
2) Any church that prohibts contraceptives and promotes overpopulation.
Going to have to agree with Ombuds on his #1 and add people who discriminate, in any direction (racists, reverse-racists, anti-liberalists, anti-conservatives, whatever). Our world is loud enough without these people yelling so loud at each other over stupid shit so they don’t have to hear their own ‘reasons’.
I would like to add city people who ride their stupid bikes down country roads to this list. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been hauling a trailer full of horses down the country highway to our ranch and ended up having to go 12 miles an hour for what feels like forever because it is unsafe to pass some city fucktard who is out in my neck of the woods pretending s/he is riding in the Tour de France.
People who frequently shop in the mall especially those who:
shop during snowstorms (wtf people go home! drink hot chocolate! hot booze whatever)
mess up my piles right after i fix them or while i am trying to fix them(whatever happened to look with your eyes not your hands?)
try to enter the store after we are closed (the mall is not the internet, we need to go home, assholes)
rude to associates ( fuck you! one more downsizing and you could be working here too)
and many many others.
Oh man, first the sadistic teacher post and now this? I’m so glad I found your blog!!
Since others have already touched on bigots, Fundies, rude people, and Ann Coulter, my $.02 is pretty small:
-Miley Cyrus. I cannot stand that trampy little twit.
-Michelle Bachmann. The woman has crazy eyes. ‘Nuff said.
-People who hurt kids. Don’t make me go midieval on you. (*ahemCaseyAnthonyahem*)
-Sweatpants with writing on the ass. No. Just, no.
I suspect that you’ve missed a few. May I add (though I hesitate to say the name, lest it should summon the evil ones) spiders and Martha Stewart? Spiders because, you know, ick. And Martha Stewart is definitely the anti-christ, if she isn’t actually Satan (which is what I believe).
i agree with all references to satan… and fyi.. i can actually be found while out shopping refolding most piles even if i didnt mess them up.. Usually screaming SURE ASSHAT ILL FIX IT FOR YOU as the oh so delicate jackhole aimlessly wanders away… Store associates can thank my manic ocd for this…. :0)
Nancy Pelosi
Cyclists. They. NEVER. Use. The. Shoulder. And when you FINALLY get a window of opportunity to Dukes of Hazzard around them they don’t even recognize the peril they nearly found themselves in. Peril because you were this close to saying “To heck with this, the world could use one less cyclist”.
I completely agree with Ann Coulter,especially when she opens her mouth and starts to speak (what I simply see as verbal diarrhoea).
To live backwards is evil.
Selfie photos
Raisins. More specifically: raisins pretending to be chocolate chips.
Agreed
Also wood ticks.