Tag Archives: Johnny Cash

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you”

 

March 6, 2003.

 

It was a Thursday.  Cold, like, -40 cold.

 

I hadn’t slept in 2 days and I had just brought a 9 pound, 5 oz baby into the world without the benefit of drugs.

 

I still looked pregnant.  Everything felt sore and wrong.  I wanted to sleep and eat and shower, all at the same glorious time, and I couldn’t do any of it.

 

To top the whole thing off, I was in charge of this small, screaming person.

 

I was in a place that smelled and felt and looked weird, and my whole world had turned inside out on itself, and I was supposed to be someone’s mom, now.

 

I had no idea how to do that.

 

So I cried for a while.  Didn’t help.  I tried all the things the nurses suggested, trying not to feel stupid that someone else had to tell me what to do.

 

And when we were alone, finally, I stared at his little face.  With its perfect little upturned nose.  And a million little eyelashes, and a chin that looked like it would have my dimple, one day.  His wild swirls of hair, his pink fingernails, his fuzzy little back.

 

I still didn’t feel like I knew how to be a mom.  But I knew I loved him.  And I figured that might just be a big part of it.

 

And so, I sang to him.  A song whose lyrics I would later realize, upon deeper analysis, were all kinds of emotionally fucked up.  Which, in retrospect, was absolutely perfect for that moment.

 

Day 7 – A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

You Are My Sunshine