Oh honey, you don’t have to live like that. One bottle of Head & Shoulders, things could be entirely different.
When I go home at night, I parent my children in reaction to you. Having them turn out like you is my worst nightmare.
Paula Abdul was pretty great. Not amazing, but pretty great.
Her cookies are not that good. You rave about them because she flirts like a maniac with you. Your girlfriend is a million times better than her. Cut that shit out.
No, I am NOT ready for Christmas. I am screwed. I am looking forward to Christmas being over more than I’m looking forward to Christmas. Except for the part where eggnog is out of the stores. God damn, I dig eggnog.