Lessons I Have Learned From the Previous Tenants

1.  DO use nails.  A lot of nails.  Use them on every wall and in every room.  Forget rhyme and/or reason.  Just hammer those suckers in any old place.  And while the future tenant may curse the ugly fucking deck nails in her living room walls, she won’t be able to deny the begrudging joy she experiences every time she attempts to hang something up, and there’s already a nail there.

2.  DON’T have your mail forwarded.  If several high interest credit card companies, ghetto rent-to-own furniture stores and Canada Revenue Agency can’t find you, they’ll give up, and everything in your life will be awesome.  Nope, no consequences will be yours.  It’s jaw-droppingly shocking that more people haven’t hit on this little slice of genius.

3.  DO pick the right season to have your utilities disconnected.  It works best in summer, when hot water, heat and light aren’t quite as necessary to your comfort.  Bonus points for executing this manoeuver in the same year the neighbors chop down a large tree, providing you with both firewood, and ersatz furniture.

4.  DON’T clean.  Cleaning is for chumps.  And your landlord.  And the next tenant.  Who will undoubtedly be amused on a forensic science level with what you’ve left behind.

5.  DO execute your midnight run during the fall.  Not at the beginning, but well before the end, of autumn.  Because then, you’ve achieved real evil-genius greatness:  you’ll have left an entire season of dead leaves on an enormous lawn, to be matted with utmost effectiveness by an abnormally large snowfall.  And you’ll have provided the future tenant with a head-spinningly effective sense of seasonal vertigo, as she finds herself raking leaves.  In April.


4 responses to “Lessons I Have Learned From the Previous Tenants

  1. Yesterday, I saw someone mowing the grass while it was snowing. But it wasn’t me, so I guess I can’t relate to your pain.

    Our lesson learned from previous tenants is that no matter how hard you try, you really can’t eradicate tobacco smoke from a house. Your best bet is just to contain it. Or burn it down and start from scratch.

  2. Oh my, I’d almost forgotten what hell it is to rent… but you’ve reminded me quite well.
    One to add: Do piss off your neighbours by, lets’ just say, pointing a gun at them when they drop by so that when the new people move in they have no clue why everyone around them is so hostile.

  3. I’m reading these out of order – so I went from tears to uncontrollable laughter.

  4. Wow – I’ve been away for a while and missed a lot. Sending lots of sarcastic and healing energy your way >:) (And yeah, #2 works for the student loan peeps, too, btw.)

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