My Kingdom for a Mother Lovin’ Toque

Winter blew in this week.

I am not complaining.  This is Edmonton and it is mid-November, and this is how it is.

But when the cold started, the real cold, the windy, unrelenting, soul sucking cold began, as it eventually does every year?

This year, something snapped.

You see, even though I accept the cold, I don’t adapt for it.  I bundle my children up in 16 layers of binding, windproof clothing.  And then I go out with no more than a slightly heavier jacket, maybe a pair of gloves as my only concessions.

Am I trying to prove how bad ass I really can be?  Am I refusing to capitulate to that gutless whore, Mother Nature?  Am I still trying to get over being teased by an older kid on the bus over my beyond words ugly, pom pom festooned toque, with matching orange scarf and mitts? (And on a side note:  I was thinking about this kid today.  He was a god damn ginger with a weird name.  There was no freaking way he should have been able to make fun of me.  Ah, perspective.)  Or is it the fact that I LOOK BEYOND STUPID IN ANY FORM OF HAT?

Whatever the case, I’m done.

I want a toque.

Sounds simple, right?

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried toques with roll up edges.  Too fattening.  Toques with no edges.  Made me look like Bert from Sesame Street.  Fleece toques caused flyaway hair.  I couldn’t carry off pom poms, ear flaps, strings or brims.  I am not cool/quirky/weird enough to carry any of them off.

But I am sick of losing body heat through the top of my head.

I need the perfect toque.

So on this, my 3rd STRAIGHT day of blogging again, I implore you.

Help me find a toque.  The perfect toque.  The toque that when you see it, it makes you say “Oh HELLS yes, that needs to go on Ginny’s head, post-haste.  I will take a picture and send it to her and tell her where to get it and she will be ridiculously, perpetually, eternally grateful.”

(Please?)

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24 responses to “My Kingdom for a Mother Lovin’ Toque

  1. You know, I don’t think I do a lot of articles of clothing with awesome style, but I can wear the fuck out of a hat. Any hat.

    I’ve been rocking almost this exact hat for about five years now, and I’m never letting go.

  2. That is because you, my dear, are awesome. I cannot carry that shit off. But you? I’d expect no less.

  3. LAME.

    So I’m just going to repeat myself.

    I can wear the fuck out of hats. I don’t wear many things well. Except hats. I’m awesome with hats. I’ve been wearing basically this hat since I bought it years ago. Now it’s dingy and brownish, but I love it. So much.

    What I’m saying is this: You should get an alpaca hat that bears the likeness of alpacas.

  4. I am a repeating robot. I heart you.

  5. Hats and I just don’t see eye to eye – so if you DO happen to find one that works, let me know! 🙂

  6. Must you have a toque, or can it be any warm and woolly hat? If it’s the latter, I’ll gladly knit you one.

  7. it’s a long read, but go to the pic at the bottom. this is your hat… here

    you need icelandic wool. ear flaps. and some sort of regional/cute animal.

  8. In spite of Rassles, I think warm hats are generally, personally unflattering. I don’t own a winter hat that won’t static up my hair for the rest of the day, and while I’ve had friends tell me I look cute in a hat, I always think I look like a sausage. I figure they are warm… Nice looking would be a bonus.

    Of course I come from the mild climates of the Northwest, so now, living in Cleveland, I would probably just flop over dead two steps out the door without a fluffy hat.

  9. http://cgi.ebay.ca/Hand-Crochet-Black-Cloche-Hat-Matching-Flower-/350395827351?pt=US_Hats&hash=item5195380497

    A cloche, something like the one above. Lots on etsy, also lots on eBay… They are warm, and fun! Good luck!

    (After years of no toque, in the Northwest of Saskatchewan, I bought four hats this year… I am actually wearing my cloche, and I do NOT look like my brother. Win!)

  10. I really like the carhart ones with the hat brim. I have one of them in black. It’s definitely ‘toquey’ and so so so warm, but it also makes you look kinda tough and cute at the same time. Maybe you work in Fort Mac, maybe you don’t.

    😉

    http://dungarees.net/product_Carhartt_A164_Winter_Knit_Hat_With_Visor-400-1.html

  11. Ok, I actually think one of these would look cute on you.

    http://www.janskawellnesswear.com/productDetail_hats_toqueHats.html

    Not cute like, leave it on for the bedroom cute but like cute as something as utilitarian can look cute.

  12. Here’s the one I got this winter, and I really love it: http://www.target.com/dp/B003PBLVEA/ref=sc_qi_img_viewdetails?ie=UTF8&title=view full details

  13. If i had mental problems Rassles and i would totally be an item, i possess many winter hats and i fucking rock the shit out of them, that said that Canada hat kicks ass and after the last hockey game i was at (the Pens played Vancouver) i’m learning the Canadian National Anthem cuz it rocks, i will now look into scoring you a hat, you definetely need the tossle cap cuz chicks look good in tossle caps, at least to me anyway.

  14. That cloche is gorgeous and if you don’t get one, I will. That said, I would LOVE to see you in a cupcake hat. Because it’s so cute, and you don’t really do cute, and I don’t laugh nearly enough.

  15. The only style of had I can pull off is bucket hat. I have a cute white one that I picked up at a local store, it’s kind of well, feathery almost. They are flattering because they don’t hug the head so closely. I swear by them and generally don’t go out in public wearing any other kind of hat, though I do have a highly unflattering knit beanie that I use when hiking/snowshoeing/skiing (but that is less “out in public” and more “out being sporty”).

  16. Ya know, every year we do Christmas in Vermont with my inlaws. (Eve in Connecticut with my family for the Big Fat Polish Christmas, then Day in VT.) Every year my MIL gets me a toque, as you Canadians call it, and mittens. So I never pack them for Christmas travel b/c I know I will get new ones under the tree.

    Last year? No toque. No mitts. No scarf. Nada. And I jammed my neck inside my jacket collar and my fists into my pockets and muttered “Bah Humbug!”

    And it’s cold in Vermont, yo.

  17. Is this a self-esteem test? The toque determines the value of the wearer? Phshaw! I’m almost old enough and I’ve almost have had enough of this self-loathing crap that I’m willing to try a farmers cap with ear flaps. You know those tall Elmer Fudd kind? Usually black, but could be plaid. You know… A real farmer would not wear something that didn’t work. Has to be practical, right?

  18. Loved this post. Big believer in hats am I.

    The soul sucking-ness of the cold, pulling your energy from the top of your lovely head, deserves much more of your attention than your hatted reflection in the mirror. Winter is serious shit. For you and your kids.

    That said, I sincerely hope one of your fashionable friends provides what you’re looking for.

    Oh, and I don’t think calling Mother Nature a gutless whore is that great of an idea. Just sayin’ …

  19. Thank you for the correct spelling of ‘toque’. A couple of years ago, I went on a ‘took’, ‘tuq’, ‘tooc’ quest and noone knew what the hell I was on about.

  20. Well I’m a bit late but here’s a nifty hat:

    http://www.ae.com/web/browse/product.jsp?catId=cat90026&productId=0222_1903

    I mean if you’re going to wear a hat and think you look ridiculous, then you might as well wear a ridiculous hat. They also have ones with antlers…and mohawks. This hat is comfy though. and I’m not one for hats.

  21. I thin trying on winter toques and hats is the baby sister of the bathing suit stress test. Did you have any luck in your quest? I am staring at a knitted toque that says BAHAMAS on the front. In my 50’s and I look ridiculous. I am desparate….

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