Breaking Up Is (Surprisingly, Not That) Hard to Do

The seasons passed. The calendar pages kept flipping. And soon, I could put it off no longer.

It was time for the Yearly Violation. (Go ahead, call it a “complete physical”. Semantics will not diminish the horror.)

I wasn’t looking forward to it, beyond the obvious reasons.

Because lately, I’ve felt like my doctor just isn’t that into me. At first, it was little things. One hand on the doorknob, in a subtle “wrap it up” gesture. The eye contact was next to go, with him preferring to look at my file on the computer screen than talk to me. But it was when he quit laughing at my jokes that I knew the end was nigh. Because god dammit, I produce some of my best humor in awkward and drafty situations. And if he couldn’t pick up what I was putting down, clearly it was time to move on.

Our last time together was on a chilly Thursday morning. I have to admit, my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I knew this was The Big Appointment. And yet, I failed to do the necessary, um, maintenance. Didn’t even bother shaving my legs. Dispensed with small talk during the breast exam. Barely winced at the unwarmed instruments. Just generally phoned it in.

I think he sensed I was pulling away, that there was no saving “us”.  I can only assume that’s why when I told him I’d been having chest pains, he shrugged.

That’s it.  Shrugged.

If we were a couple breaking up, I’m pretty sure that would have been where he told me I was lousy in bed and that he’d always liked my friend better.

So this is how we end, Dr. C.  Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

And this?  Take a good look, because you won’t get to see this on a yearly basis, anymore:

(I’m actually surprised we lasted as long as we did.  Cheap bastard never did spring for the one-piece gowns.)


38 responses to “Breaking Up Is (Surprisingly, Not That) Hard to Do

  1. He SHRUGGED? Perhaps you should post him a stool sample as a going away present

  2. Work that two-piece girl. Work it! 😛

  3. WHAT? we don’t get no sexy gowns at MY doctors, two piece or no! We are just expected to strip and cover our bits with a towel made out of the drafty gown material.

  4. Hey, that’s all I get over here, a short top and a sheet. My doc’s a chick and she should know better.

    Get yourself to a GP for that chest pain. It’s probably stomach related, but if it is enough to mention, it is enough to check it out.

    If that was a GP, find another. Seriously. Chest pain is nothing to fool around with.

  5. Nothing worse than a doctor who doesn’t listen to you. Well, there are WORSE things, but still. He obviously doesn’t deserve that annual boob-grab.

  6. oh, this makes me pine for the one that got away… Dr. Smith. cloth gowns (which required a laundry service), warmed. a tray that warmed the instruments as well. genuine concern for me as a whole person – he was an Osteopath… i started seeing only D.O.s after i met Dr. Smith…

    we bonded over fast cars. i had one, he raced his. without seeing me for a year, he remembered to ask about my little green racing machine… i noticed later he made a note in my chart about our conversation, but i didn’t care that he was cheating…. i loved him for making the effort.

    and then it happened… the HMO approach to health care forced him to move to a small town in southern illinois… where he would be allowed to spend time with his patients, and not have a clock hanging over his head with us…

    (sigh) He was the dreamiest… (oh, and ridiculously average in appearance, mind you).

  7. What is with the two piece paper/sheet office wear? My dermatologist springs for the damn hospital gowns.

  8. If someone is sticking things in your crotch, the least they can do is humor you.

  9. Great post. And good decision on ditching the doc!

  10. I hate all doctors. I’d break up with mine but she does whatever I tell her to.

    I’m also due for THE BIG ONE – in fact my appt is on Monday!

  11. You so deserve better than him!

    Btw, research indicates that women complaining of chest pains are taken far less seriously by doctors than men doing the same. Not because it is less serious, but because of gender bias. Get thee to a doctor who does more than shrug. Seriously.

  12. What an SOB!!!! I can’t believe he shrugged! Bastard. I am totally pissed on your behalf. We ALL deserve better than that. I hope you find someone that is fantastic and treats you right. You deserve your doctor’s undivided attention. Ask your girlfriends for a recommendation. I LOVE my OBGYN and recommend her whenever I can because too many of us go through your experience. Good luck.

  13. I went in this week too. I’m spoiled, my doc springs for full gowns and heated instruments. Get a better doc and get the chest pains checked out. Maybe you could send old doc the bill?

  14. Six years ago, I was in an accident and had a head injury. I’d been seeing my doctor for seven years, thinking about moving on for about two. He wasn’t bad with pelvic exams, always respectful, but he was always impatient to move through this appointment and onto the next.

    I went to see him after the accident. I had a feeling it was more serious than I was told in the hospital (you’ll be better in a few days), but he totally blew me off. I went back a week later, still with agonizing headaches, and he said, “nothing wrong with you, come back if you feel the need.”

    If you feel the need!

    I ditched him. Took me two years to find a doctor I like, and now I have to drive four towns over to every appointment, but she pays attention. She’s not as gentle and respectful as he was with the internal exams — her philosophy is that it’s never going to be fun, so let’s just get it over with — but she has never blown me off. I have never once felt rushed out the door, no matter how busy she is — and believe me, a doctor like her has more patients than she knows what to do with — and if I’m concerned enough to tell her about something, she always takes it to the next level, whether that’s diagnostic tests, a referral to a specialist, whatever.

    Ditch your doctor. Do whatever it takes to find a better one. It’s worth it in the long run.

    BTW, it has been over six years since that accident, and I still have daily headaches. “Come back if you feel the need” indeed!

  15. The girly doctor makes me want to die. For reals. Loathe.

  16. Aw, you should’ve made a big show about it. Yelled at him for “cheating on you with other women” or something.
    And then stormed out.
    That would’ve caused him a big ruckus.

    … but I do like nursemyra’s stool sample idea. bwahaha.

    Hope you find a doctor you like, and who will laugh at your jokes. 🙂

  17. I had a doctor once. He was dreamy. Bowties. Awkward humor. I called him Dr Script. Not because he dispensed pills willy nilly, would that he did, but because if you DID need something, he trusted you wouldn’t abuse it. Hello my first and only Xanax. How I loved thee. Then Dr Script got very holistic on me. Started medidating. Doing yoga. Discussing my chakras. He moved onto a new “whole well being” practice – and I rather liked it. But it’s over an aura away. Ba dum bum.

    Having said that, I was going to make a “he’s just not that into you” joke but with this following so closely on the heels of the (Ed) Hardy Boys, I fear it’ll come off not funny. Clearly he was intimidated by your rampant cougar sexuality and had to play it cool. He must have known your chest pains were not for him…

    (All kidding aside, check that. Could just be anxiety but could be something else. So please follow up)

  18. He doesn’t laugh at your jokes? Rude!

    I had a gyno who used to wear a headlamp when examining me. You know, like a coal miner, but without a helmet.

    He nearly fell off his little stool when I asked “What’s with the headlamp? Are you going to send a canary up in there first?”

  19. I had two ob/gyns die on me, but not during exams. I had all those parts yanked a few years ago and don’t have to go through that exam anymore. As for your doc, send him packing. I have a great gp and a fabulous oncologist. Heck, I even like my dentist.

  20. My “appointment” is just around the corner. Oh joy! I’ve had my fill of doctors lately and impersonal doesn’t even begin to describe it. You described it perfectly. We are sisters. (LOL)

  21. I have a fantastic doc and the two piece paper gowns. I think I’ve split the difference?

  22. Do you think it’s weird that doctors always have some anatomical poster in their offices. Like they need it as a quick reference to remember where a liver is relative to a brain?

  23. awww….i had my internal lady part removed, and i don’t get the exams any more.

    i aged out of the fucking system! the dcs don’t even asks about my vah-geen any more. it’s old news. there are younger, more fully equipped vah-geens for him to inspect now.

    whatev…i’m over it. it’s hard to make small talk with a spelunker’s head and lamp between your legs anyway.

  24. Damn, brave girl posting pictures in the splendid two-piece paper gownette!

    My doc has those two piece things at his office, but he’s a fabulous doctor, so I forgive him.

    Hell, I’ve even forgiven him for the fact that he’s one of my hubby’s friends which, btw, creeps me out like you would not believe. There’s just something about having one of your hubby’s buddies spelunking around in your business and asking about your sex life that I just do not care for.

    I have, however, banned them from talking about sausage in my presence. (Hubby is a butcher, doc makes homemade sausage as a hobby.) I find it somehow perverted.

    However, if he’s going to write off all my co-pays if I allow them to discuss and exchange sausage recipes, well, then I might just make an exception.

  25. I´m glad you got rid of that asshole. I didn´t want to tell you this, but I always thought he was a big jerk and you were way better than him.

  26. My favorite gyno, to this day, was a lesbian. I remember my mom saying, well doesn’t that make you feel a little weird and I was all like, well, she likes cha and she’s got one, what could be better.

    But really, it was because she answered all of my questions and gave me the info I required without judgment. She gave me the stats on safe sex et al(I was single at the time) but she delivered information in a neutral matter of fact way. Oh and she was on time, and while she didn’t dilly dally, she spent time which today seems to be fleeting.

  27. Loved, loved this post! (Long time lurker, 1st time poster) I agree with the others who said to get those chest pains checked. I had them too, and told my Dr. at my last “lube job” this past December, and she scheduled me for a stress test. Thank goodness, my ticker is ok. Told it’s probably acid reflux (gave up my Coca Cola, and chest pains are gone).

  28. michael.offworld

    He’s crazy to let you go! Does he know you can write?

    My wife decided to swing the other way a couple years ago and found a lady physician. You probably have plan B lined up, but if you don’t, send me a note and I’ll pass you the name. Her office is near Southgate.

  29. wait, am I the only one disturbed by the full length mirror in the exam room? Not only is your Doc not that into you, he’s a bit of a kink too.

  30. Barely winced at the unwarmed instruments. Just generally phoned it in.


    Yeah, it was time.

  31. Hey, my doc doesn’t even speak English and has to GOOGLE MY SYMPTOMS.

    Hellz yeah.

    AND he doesn’t change the freaking paper on the bed. I KNOW IT.

  32. hot outfit! Great post. Yeah sounds like it was time to part ways… Good luck on the new one 🙂

  33. In high school, my best friend and I started calling it the annual trip to Disneyland- Unlock the Magic.

  34. Ha, nice shot, love the skirt 😉

    Noncommittal doctors are the worst! Shrug to your chest pains??? Not cool. Thankfully I’ve got one that pays attention. Except for that one time her face was an inch away from my business before she realized “Oh. Um. Right. That’s not…why you’re here today. So, tetanus shot then? Okay!”

    What can I say, those paper gowns make everyone look hot 😉

  35. Unfortunately, there are a lot of asshole doctors out there like that. I’m glad you realize that you deserve MUCH better.

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