A Mother’s Tears

I look about a hundred years old, tonight.

My eyes are exhausted.

Literal tablespoons of tears fell from them.

It’s not what you think.

I spent a good part of tonight laughing.  Laughing until I couldn’t breathe, until I was actually scared that this was how I was going out of this world.  And then I laughed some more.

I’m sure that one day, when The Boy is older, he will want to be funny.  He will try to get laughs.  And I probably will laugh.  But right now, when he’s not even trying?

Oh holy shit.

We’re discussing tomorrow’s Show & Share, for school.  His teacher asks the class to bring in an item that begins with a specific letter.  They’ve been working their way through the alphabet, and they’re up to “O”.

He’s mulling over his options.  We have no owls.  Oil can be messy.  He thinks for a bit.

Then he asks me, “Mom?  Can I have an empty jar?”

“But it’s not ‘J’ week, it’s ‘O’ week,” I try to tell him.

“I know.  I’m taking an ‘Odor’.  I need a jar to fart in.”

Seriously.

———————————————————————————————–

If you’re ever pissed off, tired, sad, at wit’s end, here’s what you need to do:

Grab some Mad Libs.

Find a six-year-old boy.

Combine.

Enjoy.

I go over the basic concept with The Boy, nerdily excited to explain nouns and verbs and adjectives.

He’s getting the hang of it.

He’s starting to rattle off words, as soon as I ask for them.

“Give me a plural noun.”

“Houses.”

“Now an adverb.”

“Quickly.”

“A part of the body.”

“Taint.”

Yep.  That’s the first body part that came to my baby boy’s mind.  The taint.  Which, unlike many 6 year olds, he has a word for.

I could defend my skills as a parent.  I could make excuses as to where and how he may have heard that word.

But my eyes and stomach muscles are tired.

So instead, for the first time anywhere in the world, The Boy’s First Mad Lib.  Enjoy!

When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of fruit juice, lots of suntan goo, and a couple of folding chairs.  Then you put on your socks so you can get a beautiful red to last you all summer.  You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your taint.  You can also bring a short lunch, such as hard-boiled houses, a few lion sandwiches with mustard, and some bottles of goofy cola.  If you remember all of the above and get a place near a clean lifeguard, you can sunbathe quickly all day.

I am, as you can imagine, incredibly proud.  So proud it would bring a tear to my eye.  If I had any left…

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79 responses to “A Mother’s Tears

  1. So your taint is on your head?

    😉

  2. I believe the second Christmas present I ever got from my brother was a fart in a jar.

    The first was a plastic sheep on wheels.

    He is in the Navy now. Be warned.

  3. What is a taint? Do I have a taint or is something that I would need to search out my Boyfriend?

  4. LOL…. really they can be REALLY something can;t they???
    TB had a show and tell thing today as well… we went all the way to school singing to “Do you wanna date my avatar” from The Guild… my son’t a geek… hehhehehe

  5. I love laughing until I cry…it’s the best kind of exhausted! And there’s nothing more funny than a kid who’s not even trying to be funny.

    “Mom, what does ‘horny’ mean?”
    “Um, it means to want some…” she trails off, trying to find an appropriate answer.
    “Oh. Well, I horny some brownies.”

    • Okay, but my feelings for chocolate occasionally border on sexual. So I can see where there could be some confusion. (That’s some funny stuff.)

  6. I love the fart in a jar. I would love to be his teacher. That’s just great.

  7. I horny some brownies. CLASS!!!

    My little brother thought ‘horny’ meant someone yelling.

    “Kellie, stop hornying at me! I tell mum you’re horny!”

  8. there is stand up in his future… congratulations. this is brilliant…

  9. I giggled out loud. Odor… now that’s creative.

  10. My son just turned three and is a character as well. What a brilliant child you have, look forward to more stories!

  11. i love mad libs. he’s a genius. most kids would take and oreo, or something…you must be proud. i know i would be!

  12. Darn, I need to get me one of those taint hats.

  13. I just stumbled on your blog from the WordPress homepage today, and this post had me almost in tears! I was reading it at work while on a teleconference (multi-tasking dontcha know) and had to put my phone on mute to avoid being heard laughing.

  14. Can’t remember the last time I laughed till I cried, but I’m sure it felt good. My husband would appreciate the fart joke (I’m just an icky girl and wouldn’t understand.)

  15. Having just grown up from a prepubescent teenager, this post reminded me of the fun times of old fueled by Madlibs. Oh, how zany, crazy and fun they were, although mine weren’t as G rated as your adorable son’s .. great post Ginny.

  16. You might want to stop laughing for a minute and ask yourself where your 6 year old is learning these things. Today taint, tomorrow???

    • You know, Jim, I don’t usually stop to engage with sanctimonious trolls who’ve come in, read one thing, taken it out of context, and chosen to call me out on my parenting.

      And I don’t plan to start today.

      • I respect you for not whacking my post. Even though you immediately resorted to insult because you didn’t agree with me.

  17. DAMMIT GINNY!

    Now i gotta find the screen cleaner! Nutrigrain bar spray don’t clean up itself, yknow?

    Oh, geez…cherry filling in the keyboard!

    • Eeeew! Better that than Shreddies, though. Have you ever sneezed with a mouth full of those things? Whenever that happens, and I’m responsible for cleaning it up, I consider moving, instead.

  18. Too funny! 😉

    I need to get me a son! Cats just don’t say funny things like that!

  19. hello,

    I find your post is rather funny, Does your six year old son watch cartoons or hear your humor talk all the way?

    Anyway, from my own boy-rearing experiences, I know kids of today are smart, they know things better than grownups in some degree.

    Elegant Post, Ginny!

  20. I just discovered your blog and found it hilarious! I’m definitely adding you to my blogroll. Thanks for the chuckles, and I look forward to reading more.

    becomingamother.wordpress.com

  21. conradvisionquest

    very cute post… i guess your cat has got it’s own tongue, houdini? i know, corny, but i couldn’t resist. anyway, my dogs say some pretty hilarious things. maybe i’ll do a blog post about that? hmmmm

  22. Haha love it. My little one is only six months and even now I find his farts hilarious. i can’t wait til he starts trying to package them up for show and tell..

  23. Lol I love kids! too funny!

    Kepp the sun off your taint… hilarious.

  24. “…a big hat to keep the sun off your taint.” Those are words to live by. Your boy is a wise and sage little man.

  25. I thought I was the only person with a son sick enough to fart in jar. It works, too, just ask his sisters.

    He also throws fart bombs. You know those pillows with all the micro styrofoam beads? If he ever throws one of those at you, run because it is toxic.

  26. I am SO glad you are not going to defend this! It is absolutely perfect and hilarious!

  27. Seriously, you might want to add some spf to that taint because while a hat is a good idea, you don’t want your taint sundamaged thereby suffering premature aging requiring that you buy it all special kinds of lotions….

  28. Well, thank you VERY much for getting this innocent Aussie gal to google ‘taint’. LOL. If he had just said gooch I would have known exactly what he meant!

  29. You, madame, are on the FRONT PAGE at wordpress.com!

    Wanna know how I knew it was your post? The empty “fart jar” photo is there.

  30. This is hilarious. I’ll definitely be keeping up with your blog. 🙂

  31. Pingback: Child for sure « Leandevil's Weblog

  32. Haha this is hilarious. I’m new to blogging and this made my day..

  33. Oh, Hon, I’m learning heaps today. Earlier I googled NSFW, having no idea what that meant. Just wish I could have taken the advice when googling the second time! 😉

  34. ha ha, that’s funny, really funny! 🙂

  35. What a wonderful boy. I just came across this by chance through the wordpress login page (while I’m actually at work and should do just that – work) and had to try really hard to stifle my laughter.

    Will definitely revisit!

    All the best

  36. As a parent of a 14yr old high school freshman let me tell you that if he has a sense of humor at age 6, it won’t leave him as he gets older – it will change but it won’t leave. Be thankful for that!

    When we were potty training our son (I don’t even remember his age – maybe 2 or 3?), he caught on very quickly to dropping his drawers and tinkling but the whole sitting on the toilet to take a …. (man there is no graceful way to say poop!) was a completely different story.

    Finally, one night at dinner, he got up and went to the hall bathroom. Silence was followed by our very proud son declaring (with pants still around his ankles) “Dad, Mom, you gotta see this, it’s a MAN poop!”

    My wife and I still laugh to this day about that one!

    Love your son and enjoy every day – too soon he will grow up and go on his own way.

  37. Hi Ginny: loved your post and to the “sanctimonious troll” (love that phrase) how do you know what a taint is??? I didn’t until I looked it up. Maybe you need to take the log out of your eye before you comment…

  38. Too funny. Taint kids minds terrific!

  39. Ruben Fernandez

    yes, you are in the Front Page oof WordPress. It is a big honor.

  40. OMG… I’m so glad I’d finished my tea before reading this, otherwise my keyboard would have been sticky and unusable right now. Laughed so hard. Thanks for the giggle, Jinny! Priceless! I’ll be keeping up with your blog. 🙂

  41. Heh, funny fucker.

  42. I heard about the Odour show & tell plan through the Ginny-fan grapevine, and eagerly asked B. if your guy had brought his show & tell yet…apparently I was a little early because all I got was a strange look, a no and ‘Why do you care?’

  43. My older boy is just starting to see the incredible humour potential of the fart.

  44. If you ever visit our house do not, under any circumstances, pick up any glasses that are sitting upside down on the livingroom tables. Why? Because the boys fart in them and turn them upside down in an effort to stink out each other, us, or the prize…. their sister.

  45. Your boy is hilarious!

  46. my taint hurts from laughing

    (sorry if someone else already said it, but i can´t keep up with all the comments around here)

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