Picture it: Southern Alberta, the last night of 2001.
The night is cold, we (my sister Sherri, her boyfriend, me and Owen) are drunk. Sherri has neighbors over, and we are trying our best to act, you know, normal, and what-not.
Midnight comes, people kiss, the neighbors go home.
And Sherri shows us what her boyfriend bought her for her last birthday:
(FOLLOW THIS LINK, BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T PUT A LARGE PICTURE OF A DILDO IN THE MIDDLE OF A HOLIDAY POST. I JUST CAN’T.)
They say it was a gag gift. The scale of it makes me hope like hell it wasn’t serious. The thing is the size of my forearm. And it adheres to flat surfaces, like, say, the wall, the windshield of a car, whatever you might need it to adhere to.
We’re contemplating bed, the night is winding down. But Sherri & Owen aren’t quite ready to call it a night. They feel like maybe a prank is in order. So they pick up the Gift, and head to the neighbors.
They place it, carefully, on the doorstep. Then knock on the door and run away.
They hide behind a car and watch as the neighbor comes out, looks both ways, sees no one, and closes the door.
Sherri is willing to give up. Owen is not.
He goes back, pounds harder, runs like hell.
Damn near wipes out, instead makes it look like he’s sliding into home around the back of a car.
The neighbor comes out again. Same thing. Starts to close the door.
“LOOK AT THE GROUND.”
The neighbor heeds the disembodied voice.
Sees the gift.
Picks it up and quietly closes the door behind him.
I can only assume it was a Happy New Year at their house.
And Happy New Year to all of you!