Maybe a Girl’s Best Friend. Just Not This Girl.

I accept some things about this time of year.

Religious folk are going to get up in arms when you wish them a Happy Holiday, insisting on “Puttin’ the Christ back in Christmas.” (All the while, ignoring the fact that they totally co-opted Yule from the Pagans, but whatever.)

Small children will exhibit sickening greed and extremely touching acts of altruism.  All at the same time.

And the stores are going to play hardball.

I know that I’m going to be bombarded with advertising.  I know that stores are counting on this month to bring them anywhere close to being profitable, especially in a recession.  I get it.

But there was an ad on the radio the other night, one that literally made my jaw drop, and (although I didn’t see it, I’m pretty sure it happened) steam come out of my ears.

(Image from here.)

A diamond company here in town started their radio spot acknowledging that 2009 sucked the hind one.  Then, in a twist of logic that was waaaay past 360 degrees of twist, they proceeded to say that the horrible economy meant that as a man, you needed to spend more money on your woman than ever before.  And I quote:

“Be the hero she needs you to be.”

Oh nameless diamond store, I know you were aiming this ad at men.  Poor, delusional, led by their penises men.  You were trying to let them in on the “inside info”, let them know what us broads are really thinking.

Men, this is horseshit.

I’m a woman.  I know how some, maybe a lot, of women think.  So please listen.

Because do you know what my hero would do?

My hero would make sure the mortgage gets paid.  My hero would read “Goodnight Moon” for the thousandth time because it’s a little girl’s favorite.  My hero would step in, speak up if he saw someone being hurt.  My hero would check out strange noises in the night.  My hero would leave his ego out when making decisions that affect his family.  My hero would open doors for ladies, and teach his son to do the same.  My hero would be a decent, stand up guy, even when that’s the hard way.

You know what my hero wouldn’t do?

Piss away thousands of dollars on a damned piece of jewellery.

Don’t believe the hype, men.


52 responses to “Maybe a Girl’s Best Friend. Just Not This Girl.

  1. You are now my hero! I hate jewelery commercials. They make women out to be nothing more than mindless, avaricious creatures whose only goal in life is to have a bigger, prettier diamond than Suzy down the street.

  2. AMEN! Wait? Again, AMEN! The last year has left me wanting for a few things, and a big fat overpriced diamond necklace is not on that list. I’ll take “the kids’ tuition” for Xmas, and that would be just fine. And maybe some bacon, because who doesn’t love bacon?

    Merry Christmas,

    Indiana Lori

  3. Amen.

    But in a wonderful and ironic twist of fate you need to read my blog the day after Christmas….

  4. YES!!

    I totally agree with your definition of HERO. 🙂

    BTW, Happy Winter Solstice today, Dec 21st, at 12:47 pm EST. Enjoy the increasing sunlight!!

  5. OMG yes! I totally agree! My husband has given me jewelry in the past, but even so, if he came home with a big honkin’ diamond necklace, I’d probably faint…not from joy, but from OMGWTFBBQ WE CAN’T AFFORD THAT!

    On a related note, I also hate car ads that show the husband driving up in a new car with a big bow on it and surprising his (always thrilled) wife…and it’s not like the people in the ads are ever millionaires. If my husband bought a big ticket item like a new car without consulting me, I’d give him one in the nads.

  6. You are a genius and you seem to read my heart and sing so eloquently what I try to stammer and spit.
    You are my hero!

  7. appropriate rant. i’ve been ready to throw a brick through my television – and it’s usually the car or jewelry commercials that do it… stop blowing money you don’t have in the name of economic recovery and patriotism! ugh…

  8. i wasted some time in college and actually have a degree in advertising/journalism, basically it was the best way to smoke dope, drink malt liquor and take tons of acid cuz the classes, at least to me, were really easy, what i loathe about diamond commercials from the male perspective is that we’re made to be dolts who can’t wait to shove the diamond under honey’s nose in hopes that we get laid, you know Every Kiss begins with Kay Jewelers, i’d like to start an ad agency that spewed nothing but truth, my commercial would stop right at the point the Husband/Moron opens the box and a voiceover would state that if you need to spend this much loot to get laid once or twice you might be better served by handing it over to the local sex professional (read hooker) and because at the going rate you could get laid anywhere from 5 to 15 times, (when the ad states diamond pendants start at 999.99 and go up to 2999.99) of course that may be why i change light bulbs and don’t work in advertising. hmmm.

  9. Totally agree. I love diamonds myself, but I certainly wouldn’t think my husband was a “hero” for buying me some. Especially if it was something huge, tacky, and completely overpriced. My favorite jewelry items are pieces that I bought myself, actually.

    They need to take the guy who came up with the “He went to Jared!” commercial and smack him upside the head.

  10. oooh, i hates the diamond commercials as well. although i don’t have a tv, so i see them a little less frequently.

    although i would be lying if i said that i wasn’t hoping for an engagement ring this new years. we’re watching the fireworks in nyc from a rooftop in brooklyn – and in my mind, that’s the perfect setting. besides, i don’t even need a diamond. it’s the thought that counts. hell, some pipe cleaners and a couple of beads would do in a pinch.

    • Don’t apologize for wanting the ring. I can dig it. It was just the way they were talking down to men, and by extension, their womenfolk, that got me all mad and junk.

      For the record, I hope like hell you get the ring, too!

  11. Well said! And I believe more women would be against the diamond thing if more knew what actually goes on to get them to the store. It’s a dirty business.

  12. Thank you Ginny. You are my hero now too. Ditto what Mary says on the diamond industry. So much death and destruction to get those little glitters.

    I ignore xmas to the very best of my ability, without being nasty or Scroogey, but this is only possible because my wife handles all the gifting details. At work people assume I celebrate hanukah because I have a jewish last name. To them I usually say: Happy Christmahanukawanzaa.

  13. hahaha…i usually don’t post a link in the comments, but i read your post, and then i read this article from the onion…

    both, hilarious.

  14. When the guy and I were looking at engagement rings. One dealer actually said to him. “Well, don’t you think you should get her what she is worth. What is she worth to you? Anything less than a carat really says more about how much you value her.” Oh…and did I mention…I was sitting right beside him in the little velvet covered chair.”

    We didn’t stay. We both called him an impossibly polite name when we got out of the store. I wish I had had my wits with me in the store…oh the things I could have said.

    We just wanted a ring to say…hey..let’s do this!

    I haven’t got it or know when it coming, but I am pretty sure that no diamond will tell me what I am worth to him:)

    Now sapphires…totally different story 😉

    Merry Christmas.

    • Oh sweet baby jesus.

      Did you go back and slash his tires? I can only hope karma did it for you.

      There aren’t enough diamonds to measure what you’re worth, friend. And you know I’m not just blowing smoke.

  15. Well, shit.

    Where’s that receipt…

    • Poor, led by his penis Martin. Tsk tsk tsk.

      In a couple of months from now, if you gave ET the choice between 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, or a diamond, I have a feeling I know which she’d pick. Or maybe that was just me. Whatever.

  16. I love jewelry as much as the next woman but I have a wedding ring I love and that’s all I need. Don’t even need that really, but grateful nonetheless.

    Paying the mortgage, taking care of the kids, waking up first and making me coffee every morning, never faltering from trying to make our sex life as good for me as for him, loving me even when I’m being crazy, not doing things that would torque me when I’m already overwhelmed or cranky or depressed, telling our daughters that they are smart and beautiful and capable, rubbing my feet after I’ve been on them all day waxing cha and making girls pretty….. These are my best gifts, the ones that mean something all year round.

    I think for most women anyhow, it is about thoughtfulness. My husband and I went to a very nice dinner last year on my birthday and they put out this little glass tray of “gourmet salt” to try. I was delighted, it was quaint and the chance to sample something different excites me a bit. So husband and I already exchanged rather than fly our gifts to my mom’s to open up. He got me the same little glass tray and a sampling of six salts. He remembered how much I had liked them. That was an awesome present.

    Oh and Martin, your wife is creating and nurturing life right now, jewelry is perfectly acceptable if your flush:)

    • OH MY GOD, that’s so wonderful! Who knew salt could be so romantic??

      And thank you for clarifying that – if you’re flush, go hard, do what you want. It’s people who can’t afford it but think they need to that I worry about.

  17. Eh, I am more impressed with new dive gear than bling anyway. I’ve been known to whore myself out for a new reg, or even a new pair of fins.

  18. I think your husband is already a pretty stand-up guy, and when I heard him calmly using the phrase,”Gentle, not mental”, to calm down two wild six year olds yesterday, he went up even further in my estimation. Better than diamonds for sure.

  19. You know, I’ve been trying for so long to be a hero that it never occurred to me that I could have one for myself. I was going to be all, “Well, my hero would do ______ so suck on that.”

    But the only thing I can come up with is Robin Hood or a homicide detective or something.

    Look at me and my rational, realistic visions of my future.

  20. Your post really touched me and I know exactly where you are coming from!

    A couple of years back, three girls on the street decided they wanted my handbag. My other half steped in. He got my things back form the girls but in the process an uncle of one of the girls’, decided Justin’s head looked like a nice place to rest his foot.

    Justin still has the plates in his head holding all his face bones in place, to prove he’s my hero. He could give me a clump of dirt, some dryer-lint and a biscuit for christmas for all I care. There is nothing that man could give me to top what he did and went through that night.

  21. I too would rather make sure our bills are paid than get diamonds. As the keeper of the budget I know exactly how much he can spend and diamonds don’t fall into that category. I’ll admit I love some sparkle, but crystal jewelry works just fine. Its pretty, as far as I know noone was killed or enslaved for me to have it, and we can afford to feed the kids in January. Mind if I repost this one on my site? it will get reach about 3 new people.

  22. This was a great post! And so very true. Did you see the commercial where Ken and Barbie are in a cabin while it’s storming out? A big clap of thunder scares Barbie and Ken comforts her with a cheesy “I’m right here…and I always will be.” For some reason, I want to bash his head with something. Is that wrong?

    • Thanks, Erin. I haven’t seen the commercial you’re talking about, but from what you’ve described – infuriating. Mostly because you just know that if some bad stuff went down, it would totally be Barbie saving Ken’s molded butt, not the other way around.

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