Once upon a time, there was a town.
It sat tucked away in northern Canada, being quiet and unassuming.
And fucking cold.
Cold to the point where it competed with Siberia for the title of “Coldest Place on Earth”. And only lost by tenths of a degree.
White Christmases were not just songs in this town, they were a way of life.
And this made the town very attractive to the makers of films. Christmas films, to be specific.
Sounds like a match made in celluloid heaven, right?
Except that the cold and dark seem to have twisted the town. Made it mean and bitter.
Because all it could turn out? Were really, really shitty Christmas movies.
The movie stars Chevy Chase. Clark freakin’ Griswold, from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. So clearly, the suckiness here is not Chevy’s fault. He’s proven himself in the Christmas movie arena. Nope. I blame location.
Then there’s Christmas Town,
a production so full of suck (Some have suggested an alternate title of “ADHD Kid & Biatchy Woman”. They’re right.), it was never unleashed on theatres.
Also, there’s Santa’s Slay.
It’s not that great horror Christmas movies can’t be made (i.e. Black Christmas). But not in this town. Not in this town.
The greatest travesty, really, had to be Christmas in Wonderland.
With master actors like Chris Kattan and Carmen Electra, clearly, the problem had to be location.
Maybe one day they would find out why the town couldn’t just let it go, cheer up, let a decent Christmas movie be made within its corporate limits.
Or maybe the town would keep spewing its bitterness in a most passive aggressive fashion onto movie screens.
Or maybe Hollywood just needed to start making really ripping Victoria Day movies in the town.
Because even the smallest-hearted town can’t be bitter in May.