Notes on a Christmas Concert

1.  First of all, to my son, The Boy:  I am sorry.  Sorry you inherited some freakish genetics.  Because for the rest of your life, in every group performance, every class picture, and especially every Christmas concert, you will be in the back row.  That’s just how it is.  The short kids will get all the glory.  No one said it was fair.

2.  You know what breaks up a monotonous Christmas concert?  Having the power-point presentation of carol lyrics screw up.  To the point where you’re watching someone re-boot their laptop on a giant screen over the children’s heads.  And you know that at least a couple other people have to be thinking what you’re thinking:  “Oh lord, I hope there’s some porn on there.  Because that would be hilarious!”

3.  Know what else is fun?  Sitting by someone’s cranky grandma.  Who apparently left her filter at home.  “Not one of those kids can carry a tune!”  “That one’s quite the chubbo!”  “Would it kill the teacher’s to get these kids to stand up straight?  Bunch’a little hunchbacks, all of ’em.”  As horrified as I was that she was saying this in her outside voice, I had the eeriest feeling that I was seeing into my own future.  That made me smile.

4.  I predicted, down to the millisecond, the moment my husband would lean over and say, “Are they singing in French?  Or do they really just suck?”

5.  A conversation I never thought I would hear:  “What part do you have in the Christmas concert?”  “Elvis.”

6.  Laying aside the obvious barricades to my plan, my suggestion for future concerts:  Beer Concession.  The school makes money, I enjoy the concert a hell of a lot more, and my kid sees the grin on my face and thinks he must have rocked that version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  (I swear, I won’t get to the point where I’m yelling “More cowbell!” or anything.  Just a little cheery.  Promise.)

Till next year’s extravaganza, then.

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36 responses to “Notes on a Christmas Concert

  1. Everything is better with cowbell.

    On a semi-related note-Have you seen the video of Christopher Walkin singing ‘Poker Face’ by Lady Gaga? Hilarious., creepy and awesome all at the same time.

  2. Ha!

    I’ve often thought that beer concessions would make much of what we have to endure with our children much more enjoyable. And, like you said, imagine the money they would make!

  3. There is ALWAYS room for more cowbell. 🙂 Luckily the only Christmas concerts I have to go to right now are for my 15-year old nephew who is in jazz band at his high school. They’re actually pretty good! Suffered through many years of concerts to get to this point but it was worth it.

    • In the car on the way home, I caught myself being just a teensy bit sad that one day, I wouldn’t have Christmas concerts to go to, that I’d have to find some other small children to clap for…

      And then I gave my head a shake and wondered what there was to drink at home.

  4. and that is why I am eternally grateful it is too damn hot for us Aussie heathens to have Christmas Concerts.

  5. regarding #3… um, was she 4’10”, 200 pounds and have a string of miniature christmas lights in her grey hair? i’ll have to check the whereabouts of my mother. how the hell she got that far away is a mystery, but it could have been her…

  6. Some day your son will be happy for his genetic prowess, not that mother’s want to hear this but being tall will get you laid, natural selection and all that shit, my short friend once told me it pissed him off cuz he could see the women at the party scan the room and there would be this big, hairy, loquacious beast and he could see them gravitate to said beast… that i’m stoked to see my kid in some sort of school concert, hopefully he’ll do Ace of Spades like he does now in the living room with his toy guitar, complete with rock star poses and everything.

    • La la la, I cannot hear you talking about my baby boy getting laid la la la.

      (Generally, Ace of Spades gets frowned upon at Christmas concerts. But then, I never thought I’d see Elvis at a Christmas concert either, so maybe we’re making progress.)

  7. ya see, it is my opinion, that lack of cowbell and beer, unintelligible off-key children, loud, grouchy grandmas, and a solid hour of absolute boredom…about which, you will lie your ass off when your child asks you about the concert…is not the problem.

    the problem…is christmas itself. bah-effing-humbug!!

    p.s. i was a back row kid…always. my overgrown offspring are following in my footsteps! my children look like gulliver up there, and the rest look like liliputians!!

  8. More cowbell? I am more of a triangle gal myself 😉

  9. Isn’t it unfair how the elderly can say absolutely anything they want, and get away with it? I considered trying to that once but blaiming my outbursts on dementia wouldn’t work at my age. Did I go too far on that one? If so, It’s that damn schizophrenia.

  10. As a perpetually front row child, SHUT UP. The front row kids might get the “glory,” but when we fucked up everyone noticed. The back row kids could at least hide it when they used spirit fingers instead of jazz hands or something, but us?

    Oh no. With us, it’s all, “Miss Rossi? Please stop giggling. Miss Rossi? We aren’t yelling, dear, we are singing. Miss Rossi, please leave Mr. Smolinski alone. Miss Rossi, you do not whisper as quietly as you believe. Miss Rossi, if I have to remind you one more time to shut the fuck up I’m sending you to the principal’s office and we will take away your chocolate milk at lunch because we suck and we hate fun.”

    Horseshit.

  11. Two things:
    A) My husband actually has the ‘more cowbell’ t-shirt
    B) Number 3? Um, Ginny? Yes, that is your future.

  12. I wanna say everything I want too!!
    but nobody lets me!! 😦

  13. I have to second kono’s sentiment. The front row kids get the glory, but back row boys get the ladies. And it is more anonymous.

  14. thanks so much for you kindness on my blog…and shit!

  15. There should be beer concessions at all kid related activities. Seriously. Getting through Chuck E Cheese without alcohol is a nightmare. I can’t imagine sitting through a Christmas concert without the buzz. Come to think of it, pregnancy would be a lot more enjoyable under the influence. Although with that there’s the whole fetal alcohol syndrome thing. Not worth the risk.

  16. By ‘obvious barricades’ to beer concessions, I can only assume you mean holier-than-thou parents that think children should not be exposed to alcohol at such a young age. Well, my response to them is that sober adults should not be exposed to over excited, off-key singing children…scratch that, children in general.

    • Nope. Liquor licensing laws would never bend that way. I actually think a whole lot of the parents would be in favor. (At least the ones I hang out with.)

  17. The old bag with the comments: that’s my mom. It will be me when my frontal lobes start to get spongy with age and too much bacon.

  18. When my daughter was three, she sang along with the other kids in her pre-k’s little Xmas dealio. She sang and did the little dance she had been taught but then she got a wave of stage fright and pulled her skirt over her face, exposing her brand new glitter pink and purple Spiderman underwear. But she never stopped dancing, so she looked like a three year old stripper. It brought the house down–I was so proud:)

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