Dear Santa: Let’s Make a Deal

Dear Santa:

I’m not going to mince words here. As I understand it, you’re pretty much omniscient. I can’t bullshit you like an innocent 5 year old, tell you I’ve been good all year, or even tried to be good all year.

You saw. You know.

But then, I have an inkling this goes both ways. You’re a man in complete and utter control of many, many little men (elves, if you will). I don’t know exactly what kind of kinky S&M relationship you have with them, if their plastered-on smiles belie a darker truth. I just can’t see these little dudes willingly indenturing themselves, without some unseemly shit going down off camera.

So let’s talk turkey.

I have enough slippers/coffee mugs/mittens/pen sets/seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD.

This year, I want something good. GOOD.

Last week, to quote the esteemed Lionel Richie, “I had a dream, an awesome dream.”

A dream from which I did not want to wake.

I dreamt I had a gay boyfriend.

I used to have one, in real life. That perfect specimen; cute, polite, hilarious, flirty, immaculate, flattering, and not one bit interested in my girly parts.

Heaven, in a pair of expensive jeans. He left me for law school. I’ve never found a suitable replacement.

The dream brought it all back. Realizing it had been a dream, not real? I was disappointed for the better part of a Saturday.

So that’s what I’m asking for, Santa. A gay boyfriend. (Don’t worry, my husband’s totally down with it. Gets him out of theatre productions and, you know, talking about feelings and junk.) I’ll expect him to be lounging under the tree on December 25.

Anticipating your cooperation in this matter,


P.S. Don’t try to pull a fast one. Because funny or not, if you bring me a Bruce Vilanch

the jig is up with your snowy little sweatshop.

We’re talking Neil Patrick Harris or better.

Or. Better.



47 responses to “Dear Santa: Let’s Make a Deal

  1. The rapier wit, the warts-and-all, take-it-or-leave-it revelations…truly a rare soul.

    Nah. Bet you’d giggle your ass off at something so pretentious. Deep as you are, I bet you’re more just a really nifty person to know.

    Loving Holidailies. You always make me think, but every day? My brain hurts…in a good way…

    • Meh, I think I’m pretty common, but thanks for thinking otherwise. Thanks for slogging through Holidailies with me – feel free to take a break if need be. 😉

  2. BETTER than Neil Patrick Harris? That comment alone gets you re-submitted to emails from crazy people.

  3. I’ll pass along my “gay son” recipe if you’re interested

  4. (it does contain chocolate)

  5. And Santa, while you’re at it…bring me one too? NPH would be perfect. Or, if you don’t have any spare gay boyfriends, I’ll take Craig Ferguson as a platonic-pretend-gay boyfriend. I bet I would lose tons of weight just from all the laughing.

  6. If you get better, I’ll have blondie for me. He’ll do.

  7. Ah, I only recently learned that NPH is gay and I’m still having trouble coping.

  8. greenduckiesgirl

    I love NPH so very much. I would love finding him under my tree.

    I used to have a gay roommate which was fairly awesome. He abandoned me for Colorado, dang it.

  9. Dear Santa,

    Me too, me too, me too!


    P.S. I’ve got Ginny’s back if you don’t deliver.

  10. Funny…. I was going to ask Santa for a wife; you know -to help with all that bloody laundry and meal prep crap that has to happen every stinkin’ day…. but I think you are right. A gay boyfriend would be PERFECT….

    mmm, yummy; I think I’m stealing your dream.

    • Fun fact: in the actual dream, the gay dude in question was Canadian figure-skater turned So You Think You Can Dance contestant Emanuel Sandhu. Who is not “out” or anything, but, you know.

      (Thanks for commenting, Marnie!)

  11. if santa screws this up? let me know. i used to do theater. i’ve got a few spare ones i could ship your way. they are yummy… not NPH, but with potential… you can mold them.

  12. that’s my dream, too. my husband’s cool with it.

    i’ve been longing for a gay boyfriend for a good while now. i’ve got to do something different, though…i’m just not meeting any gay guys where i’m hanging out these days…

    you know, the parks tkaing pictures of families…the school…bars with my husband…never gonna find a gay boyfriend in any of these places. i’ve got to find a new stomping ground…or, petition the bearded man in the red suit, myself!!

    good luck with that! if you get a gay boyfriend with a boyfriend, for christmas…you should share!

  13. You know why Santa’s so jolly?

    He knows where all the bad girls live. That’s his real dirty secret. :0)

  14. Ginny.


    There IS nothing better than Neil Patrick Harris.

  15. I want David Sedaris. Him and me drinking coffee and making fun of people sounds like an awesome gay-date.

  16. You can never have too many season of Gilmore Girls. (Unless you have 7, then that’s enough.)

    I wish I could give my wife a general contractor to help with all of the house projects. =( Although, maybe she could consult with your gay boyfriend for advice on wall colors and such that I have no interest in.

    Me: Blue looks good, go with that. Sure, that “Sandstone Cove” looks nice. And so on…

  17. I swear, if there is ever any scandal involving NPH that shows him to not be so incredibly adorable as he appears to be, I really don’t want to know. I will happily plug my ears and go “lalalalala” because he’s just super fantasmagorically awesome. I love Dr. Horrible, can you tell? 🙂

    • Don’t jinx this!!! Oddly enough, the only thing that would make me fall out of love with him now is if I found out he slept with girls on the side.

  18. I would take Neil Patrick Harris as a gay boyfriend, totally! Just need to convince the real boyfriend.

    My high school gbf moved to canada and married a scary looking man, my college gbf is flouncing around nyc with ballerinas. I miss them. :sigh:

  19. If you get NPH, I get Clinton Kelley or Kyan Douglas. Seriously. I really would enjoy that Santa. I would be willing to go Jewish if it would increase my odds…..having 8 days of gifts and all.

    Maybe I should spend more time trying to worry about getting an actual heterosexual boyfriend. That would probably get my mom off my back……the Good Lord and Santa both know that’s a standing item on my wish list.

  20. Am I the only one freaked out by so many people wanting to ride Doogie Howser?

  21. ginny – you expressed one of my longest known wishes. i practially lived with a group of gays. one was a gay boyfriend. he went away when i broke his heart by going straight. he was willing to go straight for me. i told him that was wrong. and our hearts broke. our paths crossed again years later – he was living in san francisco, i still in FLA. i stayed at his hippie house for a few days…he was…weird at best. the we found each other on the internets and talked on the phone for hours. caught up with life. i was living in LA, he in northern CA with his parents who left FLA to be with closer to their boys. he said he planned on moving to LA and when he did i was so excited!! i wanted him back in my life in the worst way. he was the best gay boyfriend, and probably the best friend i ever had. i often lament that he was the one that got away. i have never connected with another person so intently as i did him.
    and somewhere along the way, my gaydar went down. gays were not comfortable being out with me. they didn’t like playing dress up and sharing (often dirty) secrets about boys with me anymore.
    he lives her now. we spoke every so often, he worked at a bar that i went to just to see him a few times. but it’s gone. the spark the connection. the love. i miss him.
    i want a gay boyfriend again, too. let us know if santa grants your wish – maybe i’ll ask for one next year too.

  22. reading the comments made me realize i want Brian Boytano as my gay boyfriend. did you ever see “What Would Brian Boytano Make?” on the Food Network? Holycrapspitfoodoutyournose funny! (Do you get Food Network in the vast tundra?)
    Or Clinton Kelly. We would be BESTIES!!

  23. @Martin Yes, I did correct your typo. I was embarrassed for you.

  24. Please excuse my naivete, but what’s the difference between a gay boyfriend and a regular friend that’s a girl?

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