The Day in Letters

Dear Son:

 

I wish you wouldn’t worry about bad things that I can’t guarantee won’t happen.  I wish you couldn’t read so well, and I wouldn’t have to explain the “Future Porn Star” bumper sticker on the car parked ahead of us, outside your elementary school.  And finally, I wish you flushed on a more consistent basis.  Never let it be said I didn’t have wishes for you.

 

Love,

Mom

 

 

Dear Daughter,

 

I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said that you told your dad you weren’t supposed to have a brownie, but he gave you one anyway.  Even as a three-year old, I think you can see how far-fetched that one was.

 

My bad,

Mom

 

 

Dear America,

 

You’ve already absconded with one of my siblings.  If you think I’m letting you take another, you’re out of your automatic-weapon-loving mind.

 

Suck it,

Ginny

 

 

Dear Husband,

 

For the love of all that is holy, quit butt dialing me from your cell-phone.  (And keep in mind that at this point, I still believe your account of what’s happening, and have not yet fallen into the assumption that you are lying, and are instead engaging in an absurdly passive-agressive hobby.)  Also, if you could change the ring tone on your phone so that when I call, it DOESN’T play the Imperial Death March?

That’d be awesome.

 

Love,

G

 

 

Dear Smell Emanating from my Kitchen Sink Drain,

 

What the fuck are you?  More importantly, what will it take to kill you?

 

Yours in Confusion,

Ginny

Advertisements

49 responses to “The Day in Letters

  1. About that smell coming from the kitchen sink…… perhaps your son forgot to flush there too…..

  2. If you have a disposal in your sink, you could try grinding up some lemon in it. I think that I read that somewhere, maybe in the Talking Dirty With The Queen of Clean book. Maybe somewhere else. I hope this suggestion doesn’t fuck up your sink worse. Thank God your hubby is a plumber.

  3. I’m a frequent butt dialer. At least he’s calling you as opposed to some potentially embarassing business contact or casual acquaintance.

  4. I think sremmus is officially the luckiest woman alive. A plumber for a husband. We have the stink too and I don’t even know where it’s coming from exactly. Somewhere in the kitchen… probably the drain, too.

  5. Ah… and who says correspondence is a lost art? I have read that there is a disturbing increase in the incidence of cancer of the eyeball and salivary glands in people who spend lots of time with a cell phone against their head. So now I am worried about your husband’s butt, which doesn’t at all seem appropriate.

    Glute Rockne

  6. Every time I butt dial, it’s the elementary school where my kids attend classes. The secretary hates me . . .

  7. Dear Ginny,

    We have always been out of our automatic-weapon-loving mind. We like it that way. Enjoy your remaining siblings, while you can…

    America

  8. Love it all! Have a great week! (I’ll be enjoying my Thanksgiving celebration with the turkey I shot with my automatic weapon!).

  9. vinegar! that great old timey cure-all should work on the drain; however, then you have the vinegar smell to deal with. I get fancy packets at Target for ‘garbage disposal cleaning’ yes, there is a product for this…in fact, amazon has it
    http://www.amazon.com/Disposer-8171408RM-Garbage-Disposal-Cleaner/dp/B002DUCELI

    happy fresh smell!

  10. Dear Ginny,

    Please continue to amuse me with your slice-of-life stories, full of wit and heart.

    Sincerely,

    Me

  11. Dear Ginny

    Thankyou for the coffee out the nose crumb spitting out laughter this morning.

    gratefully
    Nicole

  12. Dear Husband and Son,
    By the way, I totally get it when you’re teaming up on me to make me feel like a strick and unyielding bitch so you can get something unreasonable that you want…and then leave me to take care of the consequences.
    Love,
    Gropius

  13. I just found your blog via The Great Interview Experiment and LOVE IT! I am laughing out loud at everything you write! 🙂 And, I’m wondering if you could be my long lost sister or something. Your wishes for your son and apology to your daughter and letter to the smell in your kitchen sink sound like they came straight from my life. It’s kinda freaky.

  14. The good news about the smell in the sink: It’s probably already dead!

  15. Dear Ginny’s Husband,

    GEEK PRIDE!

    Apologize if you must, but hang on tight to that ringback! If you must change (yes, I confess, I caved & removed the Imperial March), try the theme from 2001. No one says anything anymore. Perhaps they’ve given up…

    May the Force be with you,
    Lance

  16. Awww, the Imperial Death March! My husband has that cartoon biting sound effect for me on his phone.

    Re the sink: try equal parts bicarb soda white vinegar.

  17. This post is another thing to be thankful for on this fine Thanksgiving day! It was great Ginny! Thank you. Awesome title too 🙂 ♥

  18. Oh, you make me laugh!

    We’ve also had a stench emanating from our sink. I dropped a bunch of bicarb down there and then poured on the vinegar. The resulting fizz was impressive and so far it’s smelling fresher. Not sure if that will last.

  19. greenduckiesgirl

    There’s some thing called Plink that works. I also love the smell of lemons.

    I do enjoy your posts so much.

  20. Oh the stink monster in the drain!
    I’m sure there is a Latin Exorcism out there for it, next time he comes around, I’ll go look it up for you.

  21. I am a butt dialing virgin.

  22. Hey,
    I just discovered your blog and I love it! I didn’t know what butt dialing meant but thanks to urban dictionary I’m all caught up.

    Can’t wait to read more.

  23. If I had the option of having Imperial Death March on my phone, I totally would.

  24. In my experience, kitchen sink smells generally have to do with potatoes — one of many reasons I hate potatoes.

    • They’re deceptively nasty.

      But if it was potatoes fermenting in my drain, wouldn’t I be making vodka? Which (and it’s a quality I’ve counted on in the past) has no smell?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s