If you’ve done any perusing of the blogroll tab up top, you’ve undoubtedly noticed the last, but not least, entry there, XBox4NappyRash.
And if you were silly enough not to click it and learn more, you’re undoubtedly asking yourself, “What the crap is that about?”
The short version is that a nice man named Martin (who’s from Ireland but lives in the Netherlands but that bit is kind of extraneous, so never mind) has been trying to knock up his wife. Essentially, he’s willing to trade his childless existence, with all it’s fun and frivolity (i.e. things like XBox) for the hard work and drudgery of parenthood (i.e. nappy rash).
I “met” him at Ask & Ye Shall Receive. He made a comment (undoubtedly something ribald and painfully witty) that I loved. Since I hadn’t received my review there yet, I was keeping a low profile (i.e. I was too much of a wiener to comment). But I really wanted him to know I thought he’d made a good point. So I emailed him. And, like any blogger worth her laptop, I overshared immediately, detailing the conception of my second child, the…ahem…unusual tactics involved, and wished him well.
He didn’t obtain a restraining order, and we’ve been reading each other ever since.
A couple of weeks back, he made the big announcement. I read the post. I shrieked. I cried. My husband asked me what the hell my problem was.
“XBox is having a baby!”
Which sounds like complete and utter gibberish, really.
It’s not gibberish, though. It’s some of the best news I’ve heard in a long time.
Consider for a moment, if you will, the plight of poor Martin.
For 2 years now, his life has been this uphill battle, facing off against infertility, living a life devoted to the successful crashing of sperm into egg.
What will he do now?
He’ll have to quell the urge to wank into small paper cups. With a pregnant wife at home, that kind of behaviour is sure to be frowned upon by society.
He once referred to his wife as a daft cow. In the nicest of possible ways, but still, he said it. It is my opinion that he needs to find a suitably regal name for his wife, one approved by her, and use it day and night. In a tone of voice that is neither patronizing nor sarcastic. Because if there is one thing a pregnant woman will not abide being compared to, it’s livestock.
He has spent more time peering into a real, live woman’s nether regions than most hardcore porn addicts could ever dream of. (Granted , they were his own wife’s, and they were on an exam table, but still…) What if that experience has ruined him, created a deviancy where none existed previously? Will he be found, lurking around infertility clinics, asking for “Just a peek? Please?”?
I wish him well as he attempts to surmount these new hurdles.
And I thank the universe for finally, finally pulling its head out of its arse, and letting these people make a baby.