This is not an apology.

So maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t been around much.

(Or maybe I’m incredibly narcissistic, and you haven’t noticed at all.  But I already started this post, so I’m gonna keep at it, if it’s all the same to you.)

 

I’m not here to apologize.

 

But in case you’re interested, I think I might know why.

 

Basically, I’m in the midst of the perfect storm of reasons for me not to write.

 

Those reasons are threefold:

 

1.  Emotionally, I’m a little vacant these days.  You’ve heard of seasonal affective disorder(and what has to be the most perfect acronym of all time, S.A.D.)?  well, I’ve diagnosed myself with reverse-S.A.D.  Every spring, I fall apart, a little.  My theory on this is that fall and winter are a time of “being”.  spring and summer, however, are a time of “doing”.  I’m a be-er, not a do-er.  And that’s where the annual schism begins.  While everyone around me waters lawns and plants perennials and makes vacation plans, I sit, and try to pretend it’s not happening.  (I have long and rambling theories as to why that is.  But they bore even me, so never mind.)  Suffice it to say, I feel a grand disconnect from the world around me every spring.  But don’t worry:  I start to normalize somewhere in the beginning of September.

 

2.  I am busier than a one-armed paper hanger. 

“Um, Ginny, everyone is busy.  What makes you so damned special?” 

Well, smartypants, if you’d read he previous paragraph, you’d know I’m not a do-er.  So having the commitments I have, overwhelm the fuck out of me.  End of the year this, wrap-up that.  School field trips and breakfasts and dances.  Soccer every couple of nights. 

Last year, it felt like I was saying “No” to everything that came my way.  Lack of time, lack of resources, I just refused everything.  So waaaay back in December, I decided that oh-nine would be different.  I’d say “yes”.  As much as I possibly could, and then some.  It got out of hand.  Maybe next year will be the “Year of Moderation.”  Maybe.

 

3.  To paraphrase John Goodman in “The Big Lebowski”,

“Ginny, you’re out of your element here.”

I’ve been doing stuff so far out of my comfort zone, it was draining the living hell out of me.

First, I was writing.  And getting paid for it.

 

Yeah I know, fuck me, I have no sympathy for me either.

But let me explain.

It was technical, report-type writing.  For people in an industry I am not part of.  And I wanted to do it well.

Every time I committed a few lines to paper, I KNEW, beyond a doubt, that the intended audience for this big ‘ol report:   a) knew I possessed no letters behind my name, b) thought I should just back away from the keyboard and go back to my dunce cap in the corner, and c) were furiously contacting accounting, to assure that I did not get paid for my unqualified drivel.

 

I was thrilled to have the opportunity.  The person who commissioned the report seems happy. 

 

And it was draining.

 

Also, I was coaching soccer.

 

If you know me in real life, you’re still asking yourself if you read that right.

 

I avoided organized sports as much as was humanly possible as a kid.  And what I couldn’t avoid, I sucked at.  I had no instinct.  No skill.  No drive. 

But the kids needed a coach.  And I was in a “saying yes” kind of place.

It’s actually turned out to be a beyond-rewarding experience.

Before every single game, though, I wanted to throw up.  Because I knew I’d screw something up.  And if the kids didn’t notice, the parents or the other coaches sure as hell would.  On the sidelines watching was over 20 years of collective coaching experience.

And 2 Olympic athletes.

(Seriously.)

 

 

So that’s my deal. 

 

I think I’m back to blogging.  I’ve slowly been making my rounds, catching up on all of the blogs I love, trying to comment when I don’t feel like my brain is composed of cotton swabs.  And just today, I compiled five (5) scraps of paper with half-assed ideas which I hope to turn into blog posts.

 

Thanks for sticking around.

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25 responses to “This is not an apology.

  1. That is by far the best “I’m not writing because . . .” post I have ever read. I’m going to have to steal it one day.

  2. chocolate helps, so does sitting in the sun napping and/or reading a book

  3. You know what, Ginny? I think I have reverse SAD disorder too. Oh, fuck it. I’m just depressed all year round. I usually say No to every invitation I receive, which is really a lot more than you’d expect all things considered. I’m overwhelmed by the normal activities of everyday living. It just exhausts me. Any of the “extra” stuff is almost unfathomable some days. Good for you for coaching soccer! And getting paid for your writing! And forcing yourself to get out there and live! You’re an inspiration. I’ve definitely noticed that you haven’t been blogging because I read your blog religiously. I LOVE your blog. But I think it’s more important to live life fully than it is to write about it (although it pains me to say that, it really does. I pretty much do the opposite of that). Whatever you write, however much you write, I will still be reading what you post.

  4. this is not an attempt to kiss your ass…

    i was wondering where you were.

  5. I feel ya. Restoring a boat… job with no blog access… too tired when I get home… blah blah blah…

  6. I have never, in my entire life, heard anyone other than my mother say “busier than a one armed hanger.” I realize this has nothing to do with your post, but I was 100% positive my mother made that up and have been mocking her for years.

    I am now going to go call my mother and apologize. Unless you are secretly her….

  7. From one be-er to another, I hear ya loud and clear. I despise summer on so many levels. I have fun, mind you, but in a detached sort of way that nauseates me. I think I just hate sweat.

    Hang in there, kiddo. Fall is coming . . .

  8. I just noticed . . .

    be-er

    beer

    Now I’m thirsty . . .

  9. I think many of us have taken breaks(but we were on a break!) and most of us sidle back around eventually. When I was starting not to “feel” the blogging thing, I backed away because I didn’t want one of my favorite things to become another item on my to do list. The great thing about me finally figuring out how to use Google Reader is I get to read the people who have come to the party that day without losing touch with the people who are sitting one out. I’ll always read what you write, even if it’s every few weeks or like, a ransom note.

  10. I just wrote MY version about why I haven’t blogged lately. Then I read yours.

    I suck.

  11. stop. take a breathe. these are the most physically exhausting years of breeding. i did the coaching thing – having an only passing experience with organized sports as a kid, i was terrified. but found it to be one of the best things i ever did… trained me for a future role as a supervisor. i ate a roll of SweeTarts as i paced the sidelines in every game, spent HOURS preparing the lineups and all that rot… and the kids had a ball, i eventually ignored the assholecompetitiveparents who PAID their children to score goals, and had a ball.

    ok to be overwhelmed. this is the crest of a parenting hill… it gets a little easier physically on the other side.

    then they date. start driving. and while the physical and time-challenging part changes? your cuticles are going to look like they’ve been in a meatgrinder as the emotionally exhausting part starts…

    fuck. i just wanted someone to send to college. those first 18 years are a motherfucker… hang in there.

  12. I was the Team Mom for Soccer. In charge of Snack Schedule. Very grueling.

    anyways – I’ve definitely had the blogging is a chore feeling. People expect to see something to read and then we let them down.

    I mostly just tell myself people don’t give a fuck and I feel better.

    Don’t say YES. Say Maybe, think about it for two days, then answer.

  13. I’ve hated summer for years. The Newport Light Commercial of it all. The frolicking, being beach ready, the having the Cape house, the knowing friends at the lake. The waking up on Saturday and feeling like you should be doing dammit because it’s nice out and that everyone does have someplace to be, some group they belong to, some tradition they perpetuate and why don’t I? I hate the messiness, the fact that it’s undisciplined. No one returns calls, its hot, arid, buggy, muggy. You name it. I hated it. My favorite day of the year is 4th of July because, as I put it “Summer is almost over”…I love winter. You follow routines, you nest, people are cozy, less frenetic. But you know, as I get older – I tolerate it better. But still. Summer. **SHUDDERS***

    So for what its worth, you check out – and I’ll continue to check in.

  14. I missed you Ginny xx

  15. I’ll be around as long as you keep quoting from the Big Lebowski.

    The difficulty of technical writing is underrated. Kudos on getting it done.

  16. mongoliangirl

    Blogging…it’s a good thing until it’s a pain in the ass. My blog is about the LAST thing on earth that I want to feel obligated to do. It’s a fine line sometimes figuring out why I don’t want to blog and if I’ll screw the whole thing up if I push myself to go ahead and post.
    Other bloggers? I just think they should blog because I like to read their blog. Selfish, I know.
    One way or the other, I’m always glad when you post.
    Oh, and I would also love to be a kid on the soccer team you’re coaching! Seriously, you’re like my blogging ‘Blogger Mom’ anyway, why not let you know me how to kick some balls too!

  17. I can’t wait to coach soccer, i did coach little league once when i was in high school and it kicked ass, once put all the kids in the outfield while my friend and i hit fly balls and told em the first one to catch one gets a Pepsi, hysterical, but i love footie so i’m hoping boy 1 or 2 or both take it up.

  18. faemom: Cool. Go forth.

    Nicole: Two best words in the English language: chocolate helps.

    Gwen: Ah yes, advice – easy to give, a bitch to follow. Thanks for sticking with me.

    Nikki: Thanks. I’ve still been reading though. People, click on Nikki’s link and go look at her beautiful children. They’re like the positive result of some genetic experiment gone horribly right. (They’re cute.)

    Beej: It’s the blah blah blah that gets you at the knees, every time. People, click on Beej’s link and be in AWE of her boat.

    Erratic: I’m not your mother. (Now sit up straight and get your finger out of your nose).

    tysdaddy: I inadvertantly compared myself to beer? Well, I am bubbly and have a silver top (OK, blonde, but close enough).

    formerlyfun: You are, as always, too kind.

    fuzzarelly: Take that back! I would not let anyone say you suck, so why would I let you say it?

    daisyfae: “those first 18 years are a motherfucker”. And I think we’ve found the new title for “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

    vinomom: That’s exactly what I need to incorporate – the Great Pause.

    deb: It is completely satisfying to know I’m not the only one. Thanks.

    Captain Steve: Thanks 🙂

    nursemyra: Stop, you’re making me blush (well, that’s nothing new from you, actually…)

    cdv: It gave a huge sense of accomplishment, getting that shit done. Not that fiction or blogging aren’t hard, just different.

    mongoliangirl: Exactly. It became this ugly thing, one more thing I felt like I was failing. Thanks for coming around.

    kono: Soccer is by far, my favorite of the kids’ sporting choices. Quick, relatively equipment free, and snack-filled.

  19. This funk must be going around. I just feel like pealing out of town and hiding out at the lake. Unfortunately there is no lake and I have to work. So there it is. I’m slowing down in other ways.

    You might not always think so (I hope you do sometimes), but you are totally awesome, letters be damned.

  20. Well, I for one think it’s crap that you’re all, “Oh, I never post anymore, waaaah” and then you go and post three goddamn things in like two hours.

    I mean, granted it was longer than that by a smidgen. Whatever. I’ve been busy. Back. In. The. Game.

  21. I’m glad I’m not the only one with long-winded theories about things no one but me is likely to care about.

  22. I’m glad I’m not the only one with this disorder this time of year. I can’t seem to keep up on anything.

    I used to be able to read blogs at work, now I have to do it once I get home, but it seems I can’t sit down in front of the computer until 9 at night and I’m usually beat and my hubby is saying, “Let’s watch a movie” and I fall behind.

    Oh and the writing, forget it, I just can’t keep up. But if I can manage to get a post out once a week I’m beyond happy with myself. It’s all about lowering my expectations for myself.

    I’m glad you’re back though, even if it has taken me forever to catch up.

  23. I don’t need to know you in real life to think ‘soccer do what now?’ 😉 But good for you for breaking out of your element, and I’m thrilled you didn’t disappear for good. I’d miss you!

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