Dear Al Gore

Dear Al Gore,

Let me just start by saying this:  I know you’re not a scientist.  I know you weren’t even the first one to ring the alarm bells, with regards to this planet going to hell.  But you have become the face for the movement, and thus, I’ll be addressing you.  Pass the message on to your less well known, science-y friends, won’t you?


Here’s the thing:  you fucked up.


Two words:  Global.  Warming.


You started warning us about it years ago.  Told us the glaciers would melt, the deserts would expand, the average temperature of the world would go up, everywhere, by a couple of degrees.


And anyone who lived north of Florida?


Thought that sounded pretty awesome.


You see, when you’re talking to people who go into every winter knowing that they will, without a doubt, experience the eyeball freezing caress of -40 degrees, that they will be confronted with icy driving conditions until Easter, and that they will, at most, be rewarded for it with a scant 80-ish days of summer,  you don’t call it “Global Warming.”


“Global Warming” sounded like something I could get behind.


(I personally spent the early ’90s working on my own, dedicated hole in the ozone layer by eschewing the pump bottle of Aqua-Net, heading straight for the hardcore, aerosol version.)

 (I regret nothing.)


If you had just called it “Global Weather Fuck-Up-edness”,


and told us it would snow in Calgary in FUCKING JUNE,

(Please note the scared, confused, and very green grass cowering under the flakes.)


Well, the buy-in from us northern folk would have been much, much quicker.


Semantics, sir.  It comes down to your lack of a grasp on them.


Tsk, tsk.







(Photo credits:

Al Gore from here.

1991 Ginny from some nameless Josten’s photographer.

and the snow from my friend Curtis in Calgary, who patiently waited all afternoon for more snow to fall, just so he could get this shot.  What a guy!)


36 responses to “Dear Al Gore

  1. Good point. But I live in the desert. So Global Warming scares the crap out of me. I’ve seen 120. I perfer that to be extremely rare, like once in a life time.

  2. I have this sinking feeling we’ll ALL see 120. Even up here.

  3. I like your hair NOW

  4. As much as I hate the August heat and humidity that turns everthing liquid to the consistency of tar, I’d hate snow in June even more. Gore’s offices are two floors down from mine…you can always tell the people who work there–lots of earnest, crunchy granola types.

  5. Nursemyra: Um, thanks? FYI, that’s actually a pretty tame version of it.

    hereinfranklin: Do you ever bump into him? How about Tipper? She fascinates the hell out of me.

  6. Yes, duncanr said it snowed there yesterday. will spring/summer ever come for you folks up there? here in Florida it’s rainy, 90 degrees F and 100% humidity! Wanna trade?

  7. Lynn: Hmmm. Gonna have to go with a no on that one. I sweat too easily.

  8. Hilarious. I’m pretty sure I’m solely responsible for global warming, judging by pictures of me circa 1987. I can see my school picture being used in science textbooks hundreds of years from now, and the caption reading that this crazy-haired girl was responsible for the end of the world as we know it.

  9. Blue: I can see it: “Who was this devastatingly beautiful, yet eerily big-haired girl named Blue? Did she mean to do it? What in the crap was she thinking?”

  10. That may be the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

    June snow.

  11. Xbox: I don’t know if cool covers it. We’ve had psychologists on the news, discussing the way that this is fucking with people.

  12. I want to live in Canada.

  13. I have a guest room, and a lot of time on my hands. Come on over.

  14. Its actually been touted as a vacation destination again this year.

  15. It is a very fetching photo but it does look just a bit like you are in danger of being sucked into a black hole. At least I think those converging lines are the universal symbol for same. As with many things in life, too late to worry now.

    Al Gorebachov

  16. Xbox, how freakin’ excited would I be to play tour guide for you & ET????? (very)

    Mark: Well, it was a very futuristic time we were living in. And the yearbook photos needed to reflect that.

  17. Love the pic 🙂

  18. Loni, my inner 15 year old thanks you. My outer 34 year old cringes.

  19. If you actually did any research into the effects of global warming, you would understand that part of the process would include some strange fluctuations in the weather (like snow in June) as the climate transition occurs.

  20. Oh Helen. What was it like, growing up without a sense of humor, all the while watching the other children around you, carefree and laughing? Do tell?

  21. I speak for those of us upside down on the green and blue orb (Oz) and salute your well scribed letter to the dear Mr Gore as we just had our coldest three days of winter in twenty years and it is just eight days into June.

    (In a pledge to the early 90s, I am wearing crocheted ankle socks as a frost bite preventative, which really doesn’t compete with your bouffant hair style but at least I am riding the wagon)

  22. Yeah, I don’t know, man. It’s 90 down here in the swamp today. I don’t want hotter.

  23. I love that global warming is still considered ‘up for debate’ in some parts. I often feel like saying ‘No dude, it’s here…like, take a trek up there, it’s all melted. And now that we can pass through without all that ice, the trade routes and access to resources is cause for battle. We’re fighting RUSSIA again for heaven’s sake. Keep up, man, keep up!’

    Also, in regards to your current snowy conditions, I like you too much to point and laugh at your misfortune. Instead I will simply sneak in, leave a pamphlet for Toronto and its southernly location, and quietly sneak out. Maybe some Thai food too, to delicious up the bargain.

  24. aj: Don’t discount the socks – every little bit helps. And I would mail you my parka, to deal with your cold, but I’m probably going to need it if I want to go outside in July.

    Gypsy: I want to feel bad for you. I really do. But I’m too chilly for empathy 😉

    Em: In the interest of full disclosure, I need to admit, I’m not completely convinced that we’re not in what is a completely normal weather cycle for the earth to be going through. Also, Toronto scares me. Not like Regina scares me, but I find it frightening, nonetheless. If I come there, you need to meet me at the airport, and hold my hand THE ENTIRE TIME. Awkward, but necessary.

  25. Oh, that was supposed to a humourus post? Sorry about that. Then please accept my heart-felt chuckle.

    And, quite original, I might add. I don’t think anybody else has ever made fun of old Al for this sort of thing.

  26. “Oh, that was supposed to a humourus post?”

    I think I just got owned.


  27. I know. Gore gave the Right and other climate change deniers endless amounts of ammunition every time it got a bit nippy in July.

  28. mongoliangirl

    Here in the middle of the country where nothing but the occasional tornado happens? We wish Al would shut up so people don’t start actually noticing nothing but the occassional tornado happens here. We have visions. Bad visions of people from FL, CA, and deserts moving here and wanting things and bothering us.
    Shut up Al.
    Also? I don’t know how to spell the word occasional occassional…

  29. Well, anytime you have a politician as your frontman you’re bound to have a few problems. They have this annoying potential to believe that their own press is reality.

    If you’re after the ultimate buzz kill, and shake in your shoes fear, have a one on one talk with the folks supposedly in charge.

  30. cdv: But he also gave us the internet. And we must never forget that.

    mongoliangirl: JUST the occasional tornado? How can you be so calm??

    Allen: Politicians, whether they start out that way or not, end up being the scariest bunch of sociopaths.

  31. Captain Steve: Maybe they should rename it, “The Ugh Effect”. Oooh, I like it!

  32. In Rhode Island it’s been in the 50’s this week. It kinda sucks.

  33. Um, 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Not Celcius,

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