grōs

 

 

Every now and again, I have a day.

 

A day where gross begets…more gross.  Like a stone of gross rolling down a gross-covered hill.

 

 

It started with a washcloth.

I pick it up, start washing my face.  And like a flower, opening to the sun, my brain starts to awaken.

That’s when I remember what the last thing I used the washcloth for was.  (And if I hadn’t remembered, the tell-tale whisps of brown, courtesy of the baby girl, would have clued me in.  Eventually.)

 

 

I had soup for lunch.  The label made it sound delicious.  I just wished I’d skipped looking at it.

It looked every Sunday morning of my 20’s.  Smelled a little like them, too, if I’m being honest.

 

 

I grabbed the banister on the way down the stairs.

And came up with a handful of someone else’s boogers.

No one would admit to it.  Apparently, a disgusting race of space hobos snuck in, left their awful little alien greeners on my woodwork, erased all our memories with their ooky little ray guns, then booked.

 

But the best, clearly, had to be saved for last.

Owen comes out of the girl’s room.

“Um, I don’t know when or how, but I think someone took a shit in her room.”

I was able to ascertain that while no bowel movement had actually been spotted, the smell in there was nearly eye-watering.

I ask the girl:  “Honey, do you know what stinks in here?”

“Ummm, maybe my ‘giner.  I don’t think I washed it good in the bath.”

(Oh sweet jesus baby girl, if that smell is coming from your “‘giner”, we’re running to the emergency room, post-haste.)

I toss the place.  Look in every nook.  Every cranny.  Every nook’s cranny.

Then, I go under the bed.

 

And there, in all its putrescent glory, is a sippy cup.

 

A sippy cup I haven’t seen for nigh on 2 weeks.

 

A sippy cup – of milk.

 

 

 

 

(Image is nasty by oh judy.)

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30 responses to “grōs

  1. I almost became nauseous reading this 🙂

  2. “almost”? I think I’m gonna have to run to the bathroom….

  3. but isn’t it nice to know that in some sort of post-apocalyptic world, you wouldnt be the woman curled up in the corner, puking her guts out, at dreadful sights? gotta admit, all that in one day might have me curled up under the covers…

  4. oh my god

  5. This made me laugh. And I really needed a laugh. I have found so many milk sippy cups under beds, under the front seat of my car, in the couch cushions. And that smell is just disturbing.

  6. i remember those sippy cup finding days!!

    just have to trash the damned things…cuz not even a soak in the sink, or a run through the dishwasher can get out the smell of THAT kinda gross!

  7. You know, I have had days like that myself. Especially with that damn sippy cup. I need to invent some sort of short leash for those things….think it’d work?

  8. I noticed a smell coming from our Van, appropriately dubbed the Mystery Machine. I looked for the likely bottle under the car seats and van seats, nothing. A few more days and it smelled more like shit than sour milk. Finally ransacked the car and apparently, hubs had changed a poopy diaper while out, stowed it in the bottom of the stroller and folded the stroller and put it back in the car. Of course, being a guy, he couldn’t remember to divest the stroller and car of the feces filled fun pack.

  9. Oh. And Oh. And Oh sweet tap dancin’ Jesus.

  10. Wow. All of that … in one day!?!?!?? I would have gone back to my room, locked the room and climbed back in bed.

    I can’t decide which is worse … the washcloth thing or the spoiled milk smell. The only thing worse than smelling spoiled milk is actually drinking it.

    Yes. Unfortunately, I have done that.

  11. OH GOD NO! And here I thought the grossest stage would be the baby years when all the stuff that comes out is gross. How did you not throw up?

  12. LOL So glad I decided to wait to make my lunch, those were two moments it would have come right back up haha.

    Glad you found the STANKY cup P U! 🙂

  13. Sweet Jebus. I must say that between daycare jobs, forensic related field trips and mentally unstable roommates, I’ve amassed a good number of gross stories. You my dear, have totally outdone my repertoire. At least I got to wear gloves. On the plus side, I bet you’re immune to just about everything!

  14. Oh right, I forgot. There’s an award for you over at my place. I got distracted. I blame your soup.

  15. Did your little girl really say her ‘giner might stink? OMG

    God I used to find those sippy cups everywhere. Gross.

  16. I have to remark on Formerly Fun’s comment – Your husband changed a poopy diaper? Sigh. That would be a remarkable event in our house. If that were my husband, I think he would have left it in the stroller on purpose to punish me for making him change it in the first place : )

  17. Kids are great aren’t they…

    Yeah.

    We found a bottle under one of the seats in the car that had been there – in the hot Australian summer – for god knows how long. The cars still smells a bit.

  18. Dude.

    That’s just . . .

    I got nothing.

    You had my worst day beat by a mile just with the soup description.

  19. Saskboy: Then it had the desired effect – excellent!

    nursemyra: Oh come on, you work with old people. The gangrene stories alone…

    daisyfae: Hmm, when you put it like that, maybe it’s my super-power.

    19thmayflower: I’m sure a day like this is in your future, once your girl gets mobile.

    Gwen: I don’t usually lose track of them, because this is EXACTLY what I was afraid of.

    Nikki: We’re in a recession. Little baking soda, that bitch was back in the rotation.

    Gigi: Inspiring! Or maybe GPS?

    formerlyfun: Oh good lord, that’s deeeeesgusting.

    mongoliangirl: Well, it’s no horse vag…

    Southern (in)Sanity: Kind of like getting 90% of the way through a sandwich, THEN noticing the blue spots on the bread. (Yeah, I’ve done that.)

    faemom: The worst is always on the horizon, where kids are concerned. I’m convinced of this.

    Loni: Can you imagine what one more day would have done?

    Em: The immunity only adds to my super-hero-ness. And thanks, I’ll be over to check it out!

    vinomom: Yup, she throws the word ‘giner into pretty much every conversation she can.

    Gwen: What is it about poop in a diaper that turns strong, brave men into weenies?

    cdv: Ewwwww. At least it never really gets that hot here.

    Kathleen: Oh come on, I’m sure you can think of something. If not, wait.

  20. ginny this is hilarious. I would die laughing if I hung out in your house for an hour.

  21. And so much lunch. Didn’t want that sandwich anyway.

  22. Fuck…
    And so much FOR lunch. (See how disturbed I am.)

  23. Well, I’m able to enjoy it, because I never get nauseous from what I see–only what I smell! Glad I wasn’t there to smell it!

  24. Mmmmm. Mmmmm. GOOD. That soup looks YUMMY! What is it? Pea? My FAVE!!

    You make gross fun Ginny. Thanks 😀

  25. Bluestreak: Die laughing…or die of food poisoning. The odds are pretty even.

    hereinfranklin: That’s how I know I’m damaged – I ate that soup, and I’m pretty sure I rinsed off my hand, then ate a piece of cake after the sippy cup incident. I’m not right.

    Gypsy: I think I may have used that exact word during the incident. Seriously.

    Scott: I agree, smell is worse. But there’s something to be said for texture, too.

    Dave: Carrot & corriander. You’re welcome.

    mkh: You know it, dude.

  26. Found a cup full of something nasty in my back of my minivan once. Egad!

  27. What a great post! I’ve found many stinky sippy cups littering my house. The bit about gina was hilarious… all so funny!

  28. tysdaddy: The backs of minivans – where all the yuckiness goes to die!

    Dean: SHE might not think so if she reads it in 10 years. But for now, yeah, it’s kind of funny.

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