The Blueberry Theory

 

My husband, that noted thinker, has a theory.

 

It was borne of experience (unlike so many of his theories). Once upon a time, he had a job that involved being out in the wilderness a lot. One summer, he was working in Northern Alberta, during blueberry season. He’d work, then pick a baseball cap full of blueberries. And repeat as necessary.

 

He realized that the smaller berries were way tastier than the big ones. His highly scientific explanation? Each blueberry has a limited number of “taste molecules”. The smaller the berry, the more concentrated the taste.

 

So one night, we’re sitting around with friends, and I’m making fun of explaining Owen’s Blueberry Theory, when I realize – the same theory applies to people. Only with humans, it’s not about sweetness.

 

It’s meanness.

 

The human body only has so many “meanness molecules”. The smaller the person, the more highly concentrated the meanness.

 

I come from a family of 4 kids. My youngest sister, Pam, is also the shortest. I’ve got 5 inches and 8 years on her, and I’d Never. Mess. With. Her. Even when we were kids, no one fucked with her. (Well, my other sister Sherri did. And she’s still got a scar from a Kleenex box on her face. Do you know how hard you have to hit someone with a Kleenex box to leave a scar?) Her meanness was concentrated, all right.

 

This morning, I come across this article about Gary Coleman.

As seen on "Divorce Court"

As seen on "Divorce Court"

The little dude is upset about a choice made by his agent. So upset, that his reaction is perfectly reasonable – he’s just threatening to punch the guy in the face. Par for the course for a guy who has been in and out of court on assault charges for the past decade. Pure concentrated meanness.

 

 

 

Remind me never to fuck with Mickey Rooney.

(photo from here)

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27 responses to “The Blueberry Theory

  1. Works for dogs too. The smaller the dog, the meaner.

  2. So THAT’S why toddlers hit, spit, and bite!!

    OMG. I can totally sleep now.

    Your husband is brilliant!!

  3. How the hell do you scar someone with a Kleenex box? Damn.
    You girls were rough.

  4. Nice, I like it! Explains me all right!

  5. mean molecules. fixed number per body. hmmm…. also explains why old ladies get bitchier as they shrink. this has a corollary – the “fat people/jolly” theory.

    do jolly molecules offset mean molecules? do they neutralize each other? is that why those of us who are ‘fluffy’ can be either mean or jolly, depending on the situation?

    he needs to publish this. important work.

  6. My only question was… how could Gary Coleman REACH the guy’s face to punch it?

  7. Oh, I’ve been afraid of Mickey Rooney since I was something like two.
    Scary little fucker.

  8. Fight it….fight it…okay, I’m giving in…”whatchou talkin bout willis?”

  9. Wouldn’t you get all pissy if people were constantly patting the top of your head?

    Ahhh, they’re cute when they’re mad.

  10. Dude. Little ones are always the most terrifying. I think all the meanness, when they choose to unleash it, comes out like lasers from their eyes.

  11. One of my older sisters is 4’8″ and she is mean as shit and thinks it doesn’t smell. I’m a towering 5’2″ and I’m as nice can be….most of the time.

  12. Ever since I saw Mickey Rooney play the Chinese guy in Breakfast at Tiffany’s complete with fake buck teeth I knew he and I could never be friends.

  13. Ok…at 5’0 I started to take offense to this. But then I remembered I AM a bitch. And I don’t even pretend I’m not. And I broke my best friend’s foot, who’s about 5’9 while wrestling (not in meanness) So I’m tough too. Huh. Guess Owen’s theory really does work. Cdv made the comment about dogs, and that is so true, too. Like Jack Russels – I hate those fuckers.

    Great Post – something to ponder on…

  14. Completely Agree! lol (ok there can be a FEW exceptions)

    Nice theory, I agree with the others about the dogs. haha.

    You reminded me of a theory we had in college.. I will go ahead and post it, it will be so nice to hear the feedback. (I will link you to my post) Oh and it is a little naughty but I think I am due for one lol

  15. Interesting theories … on the blueberries and people.

  16. cdv: Wish I’d thought of that before I hit publish. But I didn’t. Oh well.

    Kathleen: I’ve always thought the deal with toddlers is that they’re born with the brian chemistry of a drunk.

    Kitty: Today, she’s a sweet, perfectly nice person. But back then? Four feet of fury.

    GYL: You’re welcome. Like therapy, isn’t it?

    daisyfae: As a science type person, I appreciate your validation.

    Lara: I’m going to assume a system of levers and pulleys would be involved.

    mongoliangirl: You can see it in his eyes. He’d cut you.

    O.G.: What you talkin’ bout, everyone.

    Rassles: No. I think I’d probably just appreciate the attention. I have a problem.

    mkh: OK, fine, don’t buy in. (And yeah, you’re right – one of the meanest people I’ve ever met was a 6 foot, 300 pound chick. Damn, I kind of forgot about her. Not anymore. Shit.)

    Captain Steve: Precisely. When I publish this theory, I’ll make sure your name’s on it. Somewhere.

    carlae: It’s all relative (Oh, pun of the day, right there!!!)

    formerlyfun: Fuck, that’s pretty offensive, isn’t it? The first time I saw it, as a little kid, I didn’t know why, exactly, but it made me cringe.

    vinomom: I was kind of waiting for someone to call me out, tell me to fuck off. For a second, I thought it might be you. But then you didn’t. I’m vaguely disappointed.

    Loni: I look forward to it. In the name of science, of course.

    Southern (in)Sanity: Interesting. And half-cocked.

  17. Not only that, but short people never play fair in sports! On the other hand, my husband is short and isn’t very mean at all. Don’t get me wrong there is a dark, scary side, but it takes alot of button pushing to get there, unlike me.

  18. I’m a shorty, too. But I’m not short enough to be scary, which is the worst kind of short to be.

  19. I can’t say for sure, but I suspect someone at head office is very short. I’ve never seen her in person, but she has the voice of someone 4’8″ and very, very angry. Try to imagine what Minnie Mouse would sound like if someone took her parking spot.

    I think you might be on to a sound theory here. My head office happens to be in your neck of the woods, can you just go around shoving short annoying women for me? Thanks, I appreciate it.

  20. So sorry to disappoint you Ginny! Next time I promise I’ll let you have it!

  21. faemom: It’s not a perfect theory. There are holes, I’ll admit.

    Gwen: Hmmm. You’re short? You seemed so nice….do you wear heels alot, or something?

    Em: Give me a name and an address, and I’ll be all ninja about it.

    vinomom: That’s all I ask.

  22. a) 5 inches? I believe that is a bit of a stretch (haha)
    b) You may have the height, but I have like 30, 35 pounds on you so that may help the intimidation factor. And still nobody will fuck with me.
    c) The Kleenex box story is true in some aspects, however, you should take a closer look at my face the next time you see me.
    d) You are a giant wuss.
    But I love you. And I loved this post. Gary Coleman scares the living shit out of me for many reasons.

  23. I think the same thing applies to bossiness.

  24. Map: Are you referring to the fact that I ALLEGEDLY broke your nose when we were kids? Suck it, I’ll leg wrestle you into oblivion…oh who am I kidding? No one, that’s who.

    Gypsy: That is so true. Our 2 year old is easily the bossiest in the house. Maybe we should get a chihuahua, to show her who’s boss.

  25. Haha, no, actually I was referring to the fact that although you all like to paint me as the “tough” one, it was actually Sherri who threw the Kleenex box, and I who ended up with the scar. But she was probably hurling it at me in defense. And I had forgotten how I broke my nose…methinks perhaps I was not the only one with some rage issues???
    And as for the leg wrestling, all I have to say is…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HA. That is all.

  26. ARNOLD IS THE BEST…!.

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