The Asylum, Now Run by Inmates

I’m not here.


The husband is in charge of my domain, for the weekend.


I’m not big on rules, schedules.  I think I’m fairly easy going.


But if I’m easy going, Owen’s in a fucking coma.


In my head, this is how things are rolling around here:


8 am:  Children awaken.  Owen does not.  He mumbles something about potato chips in the pantry, knock yourselves out.

9am:  Daughter gets impatient, makes coffee herself.

9:07 am:  Owen is awakened by the delightful aroma of fresh coffee, joins children downstairs.

9:30 am:  The Nintendo is flipped on.  Owen and the boy begin marathon session of Mario Kart.  The daughter amuses herself with something quiet, and extremely messy.  She goes undetected for several hours.  Which is how she likes it.

1 pm:  Lunch.  No vegetables will be harmed.  Or included.

2 pm:  Neighbor kid and his dad knock on door, to see if our kids want to play.  The neighbor dad tries not to recoil in horror at the site of our children, still in pajamas, the youngest with coffee on her breath.

2:15 pm:  Owen settles into a delicious nap.

4 pm:  Field trip to candy store.

5 pm:  Grocery shopping at 7-11.

10 pm:  One of the kids wonders aloud, why they’re not in bed.  There are no easy answers.


25 responses to “The Asylum, Now Run by Inmates

  1. Too funny! sounds like a great weekend!

  2. Weird. This is what happens when my husband leaves ME in charge . . .

  3. I am so coming out to hang out with you guys.

  4. Duuuuuuuuuudes! Houseparty at Owen’s… i’m bringing the keggerator….

  5. Sounds like they are having a blast in mom’s absence! When I leave dad in charge I count it a blessing if they’ve lived and the house is still standing when I get home!

  6. What a schedule! Can I come live at your house?

  7. Your family needs to be on “The Week the Women Left.”

  8. Wow, I wish my dad was like that when I was little. Sounds like a fun weekend.

  9. Lets get a few things straight. Potatoes are a vegetable. Whether in french fry or chip form (both also contain VEGETABLE oil). They both enjoyed this as a side to their steaks. And why would I go to both the candy store and the 7-11? Especially less than 2 hours after the start of nap time! I would never let the daughter make coffee. She always makes it too strong and fucks up the sugar-creamer ratio! I’m beginning to think you don’t even know us.

  10. I’m hanging with them this weekend.

    Fries are totally veggies.

  11. Awwwesome. Rock out, chilluns!

  12. I can’t say I’m much for weekend structure – in fact, there are plans for pyjama-only days. So I’m down! A recent weekend experience with toddlers, however, allows me to offer at least this much: at least 10am TimBits and a resulting twelve hour sugar-shock marathon wasn’t involved. My poor brain! Yes, indeed, I am very ok with your chillaxin’ sort of style 😉

  13. I am glad to see that Owen is here to give us the other side of the story.

  14. I would just like to agree: there are no easy answers. But, if there WERE easy answers, most conversations would be really, really boring.

  15. LOL This is why I never escape for more than a couple of hours. The fear of what I would find out ways the need for freedom.

  16. That’s pretty much how my weekends go when I’m in charge of myself.

  17. I don’t understand. Is there something wrong with that kind of schedule?

  18. Until today I have never had to be reminded of “creamer”. The unsavory and frickin repulsive powder like substance you people on that side of the blue and green ball throw into your coffees. Thanks a packet, Owen.

  19. Loni: The kids seem pretty happy.

    Kathleen: Oh, you!

    mongoliangirl: You have the most open and standing of invitations to hang.

    daisyfae: Well, it IS our turn to keep the neighbor’s awake. Go hard!

    arynsmom: I know! And why is it that when I’m gone, there’s all kinds of people offering to cook for them. but when HE’S gone, I’m on my own?

    Southern (in)Sanity: You betcha! They may be out of clean towels by the time you get there. Sorry.

    michael: Yes. Because that would mean I could expand the trip to a full week. And that, my friend, will always be the dream.

    O.G.: I hope our kids appreciate it.

    Owen: Today, when I asked the boy if he was this crazy and mean when you were watching them, he said “No”. Because you never gave them, and I quote, “Hell.” Thanks.

    Betsey: Don’t you enable him.

    Captain Steve: That they did.

    Em: Oooh, timbits in the morning. No, I’ve learned my lesson, there.

    Ryan: True. We had a “conversation” about dinosaurs once that ended with me yelling “Dinosaurs didn’t have penises OR vaginas. They just WERE!”

    faemom: I’ve found some pretty interesting stuff. In some pretty interesting places.

    hereinfranklin: Oh, me too. But generally, I try to give the kids some semblance of order. Sometimes.

    cdv: You’re such a man.

    aj: If it helps, he was talking about the liquid version. Which is still pretroleum based, I’m pretty sure. But its not powdery.

  20. When my dad was in charge of the kids, he fed us ketchup. With like, a spoon.

  21. Well, then. What the hell was I worried about? And look at you. You turned out….good…. 😉

  22. Owen sounds like he is doing a fine job, as a dad who is often left alone with the boy i don’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing, have you taught them how to mix drinks yet?

  23. Appreciated, Ginny.

  24. kono: Not yet. I was 7 before I could make a rye coke press; kids today grow up so fast, I was hoping to wait until the boy was at least 8.

    aj: No problem, Miss.

  25. I think I just saw my future, Ginny.

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