Jessica Seinfeld: Evil Genius

Oh, Jessica Seinfeld. 


You’ve foisted this book upon the world:



You’re telling people how to sneak vegetables into food, so as to fulfill the kiddie’s nutritional requirements on the down-low. 


And the tots will be none the wiser.


Except for one thing:


Your cupcakes taste like ass.


My kids took one lick off the carrot-infused icing, and looked at me like I was Judas.  They were horrified.  How could anyone who loved them do this to them?


And I was angry at Jessica.  Good one, lady.  It didn’t work.  Not even remotely.  Couldn’t you just be satisfied with all of Jerry’s money, left well-enough alone?


But then, I figured it out:  You’ve turned my kids off of cupcakes forever, thereby improving their health through sugar avoidance.


That was your plan all along, wasn’t it, you tricky little minx?


Good one, Mrs. Seinfeld.  Good one.


17 responses to “Jessica Seinfeld: Evil Genius

  1. do they even have any kids? Why does Mrs. Seinfeld feel the need to write a book? I’m wth you, just enjoy Jerry’s money and shut the fuck up.

  2. Here’s a little known fact: ass is actually deceptively delicious.

  3. She didn’t actually write the book, she stole the book.

    So not only is she uber-rich but she’s a plagarist. Oy.

  4. Didn’t she learn anything from that episode where George rescued a cake from the rubbish bin?

  5. well intentioned, but bad plan… sure, i’d bury green beans and carrots in lasagne just like the next guilty mother. but when those li’l sprogs are out of the house? it’s not like they can buy carrot-infused butt-cakes at McD’s when they’re in college… they’ll never develop a taste for veggies, and probably never eat them.

  6. A book about slapping a ribbon on a carrot.

    Yeah, kids are that thick.

  7. Cupcakes that taste like ass? And have carrots in the icing?!?!?!

    What a terrible torture for children.

  8. I had heard about this book from a friend, and I was skeptical. I have done my own fair share of “sneaking” pureed vegetables into my daughter’s food. But it was mostly in spaghetti sauce, so I don’t think my girl noticed. Honestly, I think putting vegetables in cupcake icing is a sacrilege. Vegetables are good in their own right. I want my daughter to know that. And also I want her to know that cupcakes are also delicious and that there’s nothing sinful about eating them. Great post as usual.

  9. I think it’s a bogus idea anyway. What happens when the parent aren’t around to sneak vegetables in their food? Stupid damn idea.

  10. My sister is Ms. Organic America. I am trying to get her to not use wheat flour when she makes a cake. No honey, it is NOT the same. It does NOT taste the same.

    Fricken hippies.

  11. I have a little syringe with which I squirt frosting into the hollowed centers of carrots. Ummm.

    Harriet Areas

  12. vinomom: They do, indeed, have some kids. Some very rich, healthy kids.

    People in the Sun: That is one VERY little known fact.

    formerly fun: I heard that. Whomever is responsible, has some ‘splainin to do.

    nursemyra: Clearly, she didn’t.

    daisyfae: Oh no, you see, you just follow them around, for the rest of their lives, sneaking into kitchens, inserting carrots into their entrees…

    Xbox: Well, some kids, sadly.

    Southern (in)Sanity: It was the lying that got to them.

    Gwen: Exactly. Time and a place for everything.

    cdv: See my explanation to daisyfae. I’ve got it covered.

    mkh: Consider me chastised.

    Beej: I mean, if you’re allergic to normal cake, and “hippy” cake is the closest you’re gonna get, then yeah, cool. But otherwise, not cool.

    Mark: Oooh! Who’s the evil genius now?

  13. I sometimes ponder the idea of sneaking veggies into Josh’s very…well, southern diet (that is when we manage to actually live together, you know, that old story.) But now I’m wary! I’d at least have to test everything first, because if he ever wised up to my plans…well that would definitely start out with a “Now see here, woman…”

  14. Ok. I’m the one with the book, so I will get into the fray. Try the chocolate chip cupcakes with the cream cheese frosting. Of course I use apple puree because it’s easier to get. I also buy baby food to put in as it’s WAY easier than pureeing. The pizza is pretty good. I’ve started slipping carrot purree into the enchiladas and no one’s the wiser. Oh and I like the aloha chicken but I bake it instead of fry it, and the mozzeralla sticks are just plain gross.

  15. Hahahaha, “cupcakes taste like ass,” I love it 🙂

  16. Em: Oh, Josh. You’re gonna turn his little world upside down, aren’t you?

    faemom: Apples are acceptable. Carrots? Not always.

    chad: Well, what I assume ass would taste like.

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