It’s All Becoming Clear

Left to my own devices, I eat poorly.

 

The first thing to go are the vegetables.  Then water.  Then the white bread makes its dazzling reappearance. 

 

And pretty soon I’m eating frozen mini-pizzas, Wagon Wheels, and Smokey Bacon Lays, and washing the whole catastrophe down with cream soda.

 

And when my favorite poisons aren’t available, I improvise.

 

Maple syrup on crackers.  Peanut butter and fried bologna wraps.  Alpha Bits in chocolate milk.

 

My excellent sister Sherri, in a fit of White Trash Gourmet hunger, created the Cheese Salad Sandwich (Think Egg Salad, but with full fat cheddar cheese, instead.  Shredded cheese, mayo, between two slices of buttered bread.  Mmm hmm, we ate that.).

 

Between she and I, I thought we had a pretty good grasp on trashy food.

 

But then, Sherri sent me a link to “This Is Why You’re Fat.”

 

Oh.  Mah.  God.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present,

 

The Big Mac Chicken with Cheese

 

The Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf with a Layer of Mac n Cheese

 

And, what may be the pinnacle of existence, 

Candied Bacon Ice Cream

 

Sadly, they don’t include recipes.

 

That’s probably for the best.

 

 

(Images from This is why you’re fat.)

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24 responses to “It’s All Becoming Clear

  1. I could totally eat some of that bacon wrapped meatloaf with the mac and cheese layer.
    For like three days straight.

  2. The bacon wrapped meatloaf made me throw up in mouth a little.

  3. “maple syrup on crackers”?
    Um, ew. I mean, though, I never tried it but like, what kind of crackers? I can’t see syrup being very tasty on an olive oil triscuit.

  4. Dear.God.I.never.want.to.eat.again.

    That website was a bit too much first thing in the morning. My poor vegetarian eyes!

    I think I might look at it before every meal.

  5. Bah. But I want that meat loaf like its my job and I’m lookin’ for a raise.

    After years of living with stoners, inventive food is key. But this one I still eat when I hate myself. It was our take on the grilled cheese, that evolved because at one point we would have all or just like two of these ingredients, and one day we just combined all of them in the following layers:

    butter
    wonder bread
    chocolate syrup
    Kraft single – American cheese
    peanut butter
    another Kraft single
    more chocolate syrup
    wonder bread
    butter

    Now grill it, fry it, whatever. Put it on a spatula and hold it over an open flame.

  6. Mmmm…. i could eat much of that. Looked at the website and didn’t see “Pig Candy”, which is bacon, topped with brown sugar and red pepper flakes, and baked until yummy…

  7. I’m trying to decide which to try first … maple syrup on crackers or the bacon-wrapped meatloaf stuffed with macaroni & cheese.

  8. I take all my nutritional advise from the old ABC morning commercials.

  9. I’m thinking an all liquid diet sounds good right about now. Fizzy hops and barley based liquid.

  10. yyyuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmy! (bleh) Almost threw up thinking of the canadian bacon ice cream with the eggs and hashbrowns. LOL

    OMG 😛 funny.

  11. Kitty: I don’t know if I could eat it for 3 days, but I bet it would take that long to digest 😉

    Vinomom: Just a little? I can live with that.

    Nikki: I feel nearly religious about it.

    Stepahanie: Saltines. Don’t you judge me.

    mtnlover: Agreed, there should have been some sort of warning. Next time.

    mkh: Ooooh, I feel a brunch coming on.

    Rassles: “I still eat when I hate myself.” EXACTLY. These are not the foods that happy people eat.

    daisyfae: I’m totally trying that.

    Southern (in)Sanity: The crackers are really an appetizer, so have both!

    Will: Ah, the days before political correctness ran rampant. Hey, Schoolhouse Rock! White kids like rice’n’beans too!

    derfina: I think beer would be the perfect wine with any of those foods!

    Loni: Come on, not ONE of those appealed to you? (You’re probably a better person than me.)

  12. I bet you could find all those recipes on Paula Deen’s website. I think she thinks she INVENTED bacon.

  13. Mmmmm… bacon.

    Now I want to try bacon on a Krispy Kreme. I’m pretty sure I’d die instantaneously, but what a way to go.

  14. Ok, so I yarked at the thought of most of this stuff, but then remembered that I will very shortly be doing some cooking for the Josh-man. The bacon wrapped meatloaf actually looks like something I could swing for him, if I could just blender the hell out of some veggies and stir them in the mix incognito. 😉

    Also, have you heard of the deep fried gravy burger? I’ve heard it can be found in the Mickey D’s in Holland, but until I see photo evidence I’m considering it hearsay.

  15. I feel a little bit ill.

    😉

    My coworker sent me one of these e-mail forwards entitled ‘What Americans are eating…’ that made me equally sick. I think I’ll see if I can dig it out to send your way.

  16. Kathleen: I heart Paula Deen. I think my husband would leave me for her, if he thought he had a shot.

    Gypsy: Fuck. Yeah.

    Em: He’ll love you like you’ve never been loved, if you make him that. I bet.

    Free Man: Sorry. Go have a salad, the yicky feeling will clear right up.

  17. “The Bacon Wrapped Meatloaf with a Layer of Mac n Cheese”

    I would SO eat that . . .

  18. tysdaddy: I would, too. Once.

  19. I´m usually all into that kinda shit, but that meatloaf might give me nightmares.

  20. It’s funny b/c when left to my own devices I make recipes from Shape magazine. You know, the ones that Todd won’t let me try when he’s home, and his fingers hover over the pizza place stored on speed dial.

  21. bluestreak: Nightmares about severe intestinal cramping, maybe?

    Beej: You’re Bizzaro Me!!

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