Time Keeps on Slippin’, Slippin’, Slippin’…

I just had a birthday.


I’m a year away from checking a new box on surveys.  Next year, a lot of magazines, TV shows, bars, restaurants, and clothing companies won’t give a rat’s tiny ass if I like what they’re putting out.


I can’t buy into it.  I don’t feel older.  I mean, there are days when I feel a hundred and fifty, like I haven’t slept in years and my bones could seize up anytime, and the bags under my eyes could house small families.  But that’s all physical shit.  I still feel somewhere around 17, but a little smarter.  I still want to go out and get drunk and dance till my feet bleed and say inappropriate things to bouncers on my way out and straggle home and sleep till noon the next day.  And once in a while, I still do.  So sometimes, I forget about the numbers.



Lately, my eyes have been doing some funky stuff.  Spots that don’t disappear when I blink.  Trouble focusing.  So I went to the optometrist.


I’m sitting in his waiting room, bored.  I start reading the posters about eyeballs.  Remembering that kid in Grade 6 who was a badass and used to break into the school after hours to mess shit up, but for some inexplicable reason, he memorized the path that light takes through the eyeball, better than any of the “smart” kids. 


And then I read a bunch of symptoms.  Hey, I have some of those.


They’re under the heading:  “The Effects of Aging on the Eyeball”.


Like a punch to the gut, that was.


I go into the exam room, read some lines of letters, look into corners while this guy looks at me.  The corners give me the weirdest deja vu.


I am getting older.  I know this, because my memory is starting to go.


The reason the corners look familiar?


I’ve booked myself an appointment with Dr. Douchenozzle.


14 responses to “Time Keeps on Slippin’, Slippin’, Slippin’…

  1. Oh, Jesus. Aging is a bitch. I’ve been noticing “expression lines” (I refuse to call them wrinkles), and it is really pissing me right the hell off.

    As for dancing, I don’t think I know how anymore without looking like a complete fogey. How sad is that? Is the Roger Rabbit pasé now?

  2. A VeRY MeRRy UN-BiRThdAY To YoU!
    i am old. i feel old, anyway. but sometimes i also feel young. i think i’m confuzled. 😉

  3. have you spit out your first bit of tooth yet? nothing makes you feel more decrepit… i remember my parents nonchalantly pulling a tooth from their mouth at the dinner table. and me thinking they must be near death.

    my first encounter? i was coaching soccer, 36 years old, and bit into a SweeTart. A portion of a tooth came off and i was in shambles…

    But my brain thinks i’m 20, despite being housed in a 46 1/2 year old body. i still drink, dance and sleep late. maybe monthly… and managed to bust up my knee attempting to ski. Don’t stop. Maybe your body won’t notice…

  4. About feeling older – I know exactly what you mean. When I think of myself I’m definitely no older than 20.

    Daisyfae’s comment scared me a little. I hope she was joking about watching her parents pulling teeth out at the dinner table.

    Seriously though, as I clicked on your link to Dr. Douchenozzle I realized I’m pretty sure that was the first post of your’s I read – and got me hooked!

  5. Hey, Happy Birthday and all. I’m with you on the aging thing, but age seems to be affecting my brain more than my eyes. I can’t remember what happened a couple of weeks ago anymore. That’s some disturbing shit.

  6. No!!! Not Dr. Douchenozzle!! Bastard . . .

    One cool thing about getting older is getting smarter. Or, perhaps . . . wiser. You’ve lived longer. Seen more shit. We become quicker to speak . . .

    Well, maybe not you. Ha!

  7. just went through the same thing…my eyesight has always been badass…until i turned 31.

    now it’s…”has anyone seen my glasses” and “don’t shove that paper in my face, i can’t see it that close”…as i hold the paper at arms length so i an see a little clearer…

  8. I have a little brown dot that floats around in my vision- my eye doc called it a “floater” which doesn’t have a connotation that I want to associate with my eye. She said not to worry, it happens. OK doc. I feel old in my bones but not my brain at 56. Here comes the boring advice: while you are still young and flexible be sure you have some exercize you enjoy and do it often. I got lazy raising kids and working a desk job during my 30s/40s, I was surpised by early arthritis and mysterious conditions and now it is hard to get capability back. Celebrate being pain-free and lively you young whipper snappers! I gotta go lie down.

    Elder Barry

  9. Happy birthday! And I truly believe that you’re only as old as you feel… go out and get drunk and dance into the wee hours of the morning as much as you need to! I do!!

  10. A new checkbox? Really? You don’t look even close to 40! Happy birthday.

  11. It was pretty shocking when my husband and I became “that couple” who shared the reading glasses in a restaurant. He’s still shackled to them. I have multifocal contacts–so at least I give the appearance of having 20-20 vision.

  12. Gypsy: Expression lines. Henceforth, that’s what I’m calling them. Thank you so much.

    carrie: Confuzled, exactly. It’s like a magic eye picture.

    daisyfae: Seriously??? Teeth??? Oh crap.

    vinomom: That’s where you came in? It just seems like you’ve always been around.

    cdv: Yeah, I can see conversations getting a lot shorter:

    “Do you remember the time we….?”
    “Me neither.”

    tysdaddy: Exactly. I feel like a wise 17. (Which still doesn’t equal a 34 year old.)

    Nikki: When we start ordering off the menu by picture, THEN we have a problem.

    Mark: Tee hee. You said floater.

    Katie: Thank you!

    Michael: Thanks. I started telling people I was 40, so they would laugh and say “You’re not 40!!”. But then people stopped laughing. So I don’t do that anymore.

    Hereinfranklin: I think that makes you a trophy wife. I’m not sure, though.

  13. Oh, I´m with you on this one. The vision, the memory. This is shit, but I still feel like I can do a back bend. I probably can´t, but that´s not the point, is it?

  14. I never could do a back bend. Much to my husband’s great disappointment.

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