A Couple of Things

Things I used to be able to do, that I assumed I could still do, that I can’t do, anymore:

1.  Touch my toes

2.  Hula Hoop

(Image is Hula hoop dancer by Donncha)

 

Biggest false rumors about me:

1.  I hate fun. (I’m pretty sure my kids are spreading that one.)

2.  I killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.  (It was Laughlin.)

 

Most meta things I saw today:

1.  All the American Idol kids auditioning with songs by former Idol contestants.

2.  The library book my son brought home – about libraries.

 

Awesomest presents I got for my birthday:

1.  These pyjamas, which my sister insists need to be pronounced pyJAAHmas:

(Image from here)

2.  Cash.  I like cash.

 

Most annoying traits on Facebook:

1.  Friend requesting me, then never, ever attempting to make any contact.  I feel used and vaguely dirty.

2.  People whose statuses always end in an exclamation point (“Schwartzie is making supper!” “Schwartzie is going to the library!”  No one is excited about that shit.  Not even Schwartzie, himself.)

 

Songs I should be legally prohibited from singing:

1.  “Low Rider” by War

You know how the horns hit separate, distinct notes?  Yeah, not the way I sing it.

 

2.  “Laid” by James

Get to the 45 second mark.  You’ll know why.

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15 responses to “A Couple of Things

  1. I wonder if I can still play the bass. I know I tried a couple of years ago and realized I’m better with the fingers but useless with a pick. It used to be the opposite when I was actually in a band a lifetime ago.

    How can you say you like fun if you never shot a man in Reno?

    I had to look up Meta.

    Are these jammies only for one-legged people?

    Should I do the Facebook?

    Schwartzie owes me money! That bastard!

  2. I have to be honest with you. Horns or not there’s no reason to be singing Low Rider. Ever.

    Whatever happened to Mustang Sally? Or Green Eyed Lady? Or the perennial chick favorite, Me and Bobby McGee?

    Unless of course you are hand miming low rider. Like, you are shlouched arms in the apehang position fiddling with the radio in your 79 Firebird with the eagle painted on the hood…

  3. I think his balls got twisted at the 45 second mark.

  4. Is it the “Ah, you think you’re so pretttttttyyyyyyyyyyy….” part?

  5. Did you know that tomorrow is Darwin’s 200th birthday?

  6. “Laid” is the most beautiful love song. Evah…. (sigh) You should sing it loudly, in the supermarket.

  7. I used to cover Laid when I used to busk in Sydney. And yes, I hit every last note.

  8. Everybody, including War, should be prohibited from singing lowrider

  9. Omigawd…i’m totally with you on the facebook-friends-that-don’t-know-each-other-in-public phenomenon! I don’t invite people to be my friend unless I KNOW I’ll want to talk to them in person at the grocery store, but I get tons of friend requests from people I went to highschool with that I barely knew. And then we never talk in person. I’m just another name on their friend list…

    Maybe we should start forcing our public friendship on them…

  10. My son’s girlfriend was visiting the other night, and the subject of toe touches came up. She’s under 5′ tall, and still a teenager, so she managed it no problem.

    I came close . . . lacked about three inches at the end of my fingertips. Back when I was fat? I barely got to my knees . . .

  11. LOL Love the songs not to sing portion. 🙂

  12. PeopleInTheSun: The bass? You might as well be the kicker on the football team. The jammies ARE for one-legged people. Had I never mentioned that? Everyone should do the Facebook, because it makes my life easier. And then you can befriend Schwartzie, and get your money back.

    debe: “Mustang Sally” is even worse, for me. Just not as spectacularily so.

    nurse: Pray god they don’t swell up…

    FreeMan: Oh yes, it is. I was wailing through it one day when my sister TOTALLY owned me with “What did you do with the money?” “What money?” “The money yo momma gave you for singing lessons!”

    daisy: If I did, maybe I’d get shit for free, because the management would be so desperate to get my ass out of there.

    Beej: You’re so much cooler than me. Sigh.

    O.G.: I love that song, just not the way it sounds coming out of me.

    thatgirl: It’s made for many, many moments of awkwardness (on my part. Which is where most moments of awkwardness start.)

    tydaddy: Wow! You were a seriously big dude!

    Loni: I see it as a public service. You’re welcome.

  13. Does the ‘Laid’ thing go back to no longer being able to touch your toes or do the hula hoop?
    I can still do both, but still think I would have to have one of my titties in a vice to hit that note. Then I’d probably have to slap the crap outta somebody.

  14. things I can no longer do: everything I want to.

    Facebook irritations: Ditto!!!!!!

  15. mongoliangirl: Yes, I believe it’s all related. I refer you to my medical studies: “The leg bone’s connected to the – hip bone, the hip bone’s connected…” And so forth.

    Jessica: True dat, sister. (And that was the ridiculously abridged version of my Facebook pet peeves. They are many.)

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