You Better Work It, Girl

Whenever someone asks me, “How did you know you were ready to have kids?”

 

I always respond with,

 

“We simply had WAY too much disposable income and free time.”

 

While we’ve never actually had any spare money, the part about free time isn’t exactly a lie.

 

Owen used to have a seasonal job.  And the off season was kind of rough.  I was a waitress, at a crappy restaurant.  The kind where old people would leave a $2 tip, and expect you to cry with gratitude.  (I cried, alright.  But not with gratitude.)  We lived in a sad little apartment, with two borrowed chairs for furniture.  The two channels we could pull in with rabbit ears could only amuse us for so long.  I always had a pile of magazines around, back issues friends would pass on when they were done with them.  And Owen got so bored, he started dipping into the pile.

 

Was he picking up tips on how to please his man in bed?  Was he keeping up with the comings and goings of Hollywood glitterati?  Or was he “enjoying” the supermodels?

 

Turns out it was the last one.

 

But it wasn’t what you think.

 

He drew on them.  It started with beards and moustaches, progressed to speech balloons detailing the dirty, dirty things those girls, apparently, would do.  In the end, he was doing their makeup.  Giving them more eyeliner, arching their brows, shading in the blush on their cheeks.

 

And, like a drug addict who can’t reach the initial high, even drawing makeup on paper supermodels wasn’t enough.

 

He wanted a live model.

 

I let him.

 

When he was finished, I looked in a mirror.

 

(Image is “Drag Queen” by photochiel)

 

I wasn’t sure if my future husband wanted me to look like a $10 ho.  Or a not-particularly-fetching ladyboy.

 

Either way, we found other things to do.

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10 responses to “You Better Work It, Girl

  1. And that’s where the kids came in, gotcha. 😉 Were you still sporting the “ladyboy” look when you two moved on to these more entertaining passtimes? 😕

  2. Oh, I see, so he was hinting to you at what style of make up he preferred his woman to wear. Now that´s subtle. Maybe I should leave some magazines laying around to see if I can get any preferential information out of Luigi.

  3. And then, he was so struck by your beauty and sharpee marker mustache and eyebrows that he had no choice but to impregnate you. With his eyes.

  4. Ha, what a great story to tell. “You see honey, Mommy was tired of Daddy making her look like Tim Curry, so we decided to make some babies instead.”

    I don’t think I’ll be ready until I can honestly tell myself that I don’t think Optimus Prime would be an awesome, awesome name.

  5. Oh wow. I am lovin’ your hubz! Isn’t great when they just get on board with something and have at it? Kind of like how my big ol’ hillbilly of a hubz will run through the house flailing his hands around and screaming, “Mizz Lopez! Mizz Lopez!” every time our real live drag queen friend shows up. Too terrific! Too great! He could do it every 5 minutes and make me laugh. Oh, and we have no children. Can’t you tell?

  6. I remember disposable income. Clinton was president. Now we hoard it. And we don’t even have kids.

  7. Peter: Um, no. I let that go. And I started being MUCH more subtle with makeup, myself, after that little adventure.

    Bluestreak: Make sure they’re not bodybuilding magazines. Can you imagine if he wanted you to look like that?

    Rassles: Its as if you were…watching…

    Em: True story. Owen wanted to name our firstborn Dar. From Beastmaster. Sigh.

    Xbox: I think it was aspirational. Because at that point, he couldn’t have even afforded the $10 variety.

    Mongoliangirl: There’s something about a large man in touch with his feminine side…Rahrrr!

    hereinfranklin: I don’t even pretend there will be such a thing, anymore.

  8. oh, and your response about when you knew it was the right time to have kids reminded me of a quote from Raising Arizona:

    “We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter”

  9. bluestreak: I have SO got to watch that again, man I love that show. When the Coen Brothers are bad, they’re spectacularily bad, but when they’re good, well, duh!

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