Yo, God, Wassup?


I almost killed someone this morning.


The light turned green, and I drove. The little white “walk” sign came on, so the girl on the sidewalk did. But instead of staying in the crosswalk, she started to veer left, in a perfect arc. The path of the arc was going to intersect with the path of my mini-van. It was icy, but for some reason, the brakes caught. If they hadn’t, the girl would have been crushed between my front bumper and a light pole. She looked over her shoulder, her eyes widened, and she kept on jogging, but in a perfectly straight line this time.



(It wasn’t until we got to our destination, 3 blocks later, that my son asked, “Hey, did we hit that girl?” That’s right, son. I hit that girl, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a jogger’s corpse make us late for school. You know how I feel about schedules.)


The whole thing got me thinking about god.


I don’t think I believe in god. But just for a minute, let’s say I did.


Let’s say there’s a god, and there’s a heaven. One day, I’m going to die. And when I do, let’s say St. Peter’s up there, checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates. (I have a way with bouncers; I got one to marry me, so I’m pretty sure I can get past him.) And I get up to god’s condo (He doesn’t have kids, he’s too busy for the maintenance on a house. A condo just makes good sense.), knock on the door, and he says “Come on in. But don’t let the dog out.” (Of course god is a dog guy. Cats are satan’s minions.)


We get situated in his tastefully appointed living room, he offers me some tea. Then, I get to ask him any question I want.


I’ve thought about this. What universal truth do I want revealed to me? What about this crazy earth do I need to understand? What’s the deal with Stonehenge? Why’d you sink Atlantis? Nipples on men – wacky joke, or brilliant design we humans never figured out?


Here’s the question I’m going with: Other than the obvious (I’m here, aren’t I?), what was the closest I came to dying?


Did I trust a hitchhiker, who was plotting to kill me but was foiled by an ill-timed red light? Did I eat a bologna sandwich, but stop one bite short of a big gob of anthrax? Did I avoid a bank hold-up, opting for the ATM instead?


I would really, really love to know.




But no matter how I actually do leave this world, it won’t be by jogging into the front of someone’s mini-van.



Jogging is for suckers.


17 responses to “Yo, God, Wassup?

  1. I have to say my Jack Russell Terrier agrees with you about cats being the minions of Satan. She works night and day to make sure none of his evil henchman get near the house. LOL

    I’m glad you didn’t hit the jogger. Even though they do get in the way sometimes.

    Its amazing how the simplest unintended thing and bring God to a person’s mind.

  2. I have a treadmill, but I know one day it will fold over me like Donald Duck. That’s okay. At least I’ll die with the knowledge I don’t have to run anymore.

    My baby likes to push my nipple like it’s a button. He just pushed it and waits. (for the music, I guess).

  3. Joggers are Satan’s minions too

  4. Haha, good for your son for demonstrating some civic responsibility – if a little late 😉

    Near-death stories do make good stories, don’t they? We have a few in my family, all related to war. No mini-vans involved.

    Hmmm… I guess your question to God would depend on how you come down on the whole free will or fate thing. It would be disturbing for you if God said, “I kept trying to kill you buy you were always just one step ahead…”

  5. This is so wrong and my hand basket is decorated awaiting my journey to Hell.

    But I did laugh for a while when I read:

    “…“Hey, did we hit that girl?” That’s right, son. I hit that girl, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a jogger’s corpse make us late for school. You know how I feel about schedules.”

    Laughed again as I pasted it into the comment box. It’s funny dammit.

    I’m sure the devil shares my sense of humor as well.

  6. The old song by Amy Grant comes to mind, about “Angels” watching over her as a “reckless car” runs out of gas before it runs her way.

    I always thought that was a stupid song, even when I was a believer to the uttermost. For life seemed just way too random and messy to be a perfectly played part vignette in some cosmic/celestial/divine screenplay. Shit happens, right? And vice versa?

    That mini-van ride could have went so many ways. I’m glad you ended up safe and sound at home . . .

  7. God won’t have to tell me when i almost died cuz i vividly remember my top three… almost walked into a bus lane drunk coming home from a x-mas party as the bus driver layed on the horn to warn me, one should never smoke really good crack with crackheads in their home cuz if your heart explodes they probably won’t call the paramedics (i was young and quite stupid once), almost drowned surfing off the coast of Florida, St. Ormands beach i believe. God and i can skip that part. Did i mention i was a cat guy?

  8. I have cats. I’m simply waiting until I’m laying too still for too long a period of time and they eat my face. I’m not sure why that’s endearing.

  9. Seeing as when we croak we lose our earthly bodies and all that jazz, and therefore I will no longer be restricted by my dwarflike frame, I have every intention of kicking God’s arse if I meet him.

    Joggers are wankers.

  10. I loved that post – and your sons curiousity. He wasn’t worried about it or anything.

    But I love your comments just as much! Great stuff. Also – I never really thought about asking that question and now I’m racking my brain for any time I might have nearly almost died.

  11. I once hit and killed a Burro with a 1969 Pontiac Lemans. It was really his fault for walking into the fast lane of the freeway in the middle of the night but I still feel bad, just the same. It is my only memory of Needles, CA. The Burro was not jogging.

    Drake Peddle

  12. You should see people crossing the streets in L.A. Yes that is what crosswalks are for but everyone knows that some people could give a shit and it would be wise to look carefully, both ways, the entire time you are crossing but NOOOOOO

    do they ever, NOOOOOO

  13. “Of course god is a dog guy.” YES. Certainly true.

    BTW, I’ve nominated you for an award on my site!


  14. Godisacomedian: Good dog! Tell her to keep it up!

    People in the sun: He’ll never quite know why, but your son will never quite be able to shake a vague, yet disquieting sense of disappointment in you and your torso. Will it affect his future? Who can say…

    chad: I think that’s exactly what I want him/her/it to say. I’d love to think the whole thing (life) was just someone’s whim.

    cardiogirl: Sorry, toots. Nothing personal 😉

    tysdaddy: For me, it’s like wanting to believe in ghosts. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way, but how cool would it be to be proven wrong?

    kono: You’re right – skip the convo with god, opt for the “Bikram for Celestial Beings” class – all the hot chicks will be there.

    Captain Steve: They will, you know. Man, they scare me.

    mkh: I actually envy the kind of self-confidence it takes to flout the laws of both traffic and physics.

    Xbox: I always thought that if someone would kick god’s arse, it’d be an Irish dude. You’re feisty, yo.

    vinomom: 99% of the time, the comments are better than the post. It is what it is.

    Mark: Thank you for specifying that the Burro was not jogging. That way, I can empathize.

    jessica: Well, there’s so many people in California, it’s really a form of population control, if you think about it.

    writinggb: Thanks!!!

  15. you only get one question? damn, i guess god’s working on a schedule here. I would probably just text him: WTF?

  16. STRANGE! I almost hit a pedestrian the night before you did!

    I was turning on a flashing green that had stopped flashing, but was still green and the walker was in between the car’s headlights that it was walking in front of, and I almost smoked him!

    Absolutely didn’t see him at all!

    Definitely saw the finger he gave me after I was past him though! 😉

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