The Living-Room Dialogue

 

Me:  I got an email from R this morning.  She got those tickets.

O:  (blank stare)

Me:  For “The Vagina Monologues”.

O:  (starts to look worried)  Tickets for you and…..?

Me:  For you.  For us.  Remember, at T’s (R’s husband) birthday dinner?  You said you’d go?

O:  No way.  I did not say that.

Me:  Yes you did.  You said if T was going, you’d go.

O:  I didn’t think it was serious.  I don’t want to go.

Me:  Yes you do.  It’s a night out.

O:  (silence, as he accepts his fate)

Me:  Come on, it’s about vaginas.  You straight guys are supposed to be all over that.

O:  Fine.  I’ll go.  But I think it’s wrong that people will be talking about vaginas for 2 hours, and sex is going to be the LAST thing on my mind.  What if I can’t think about vaginas sexually ever again?

Me:  You watched me give birth.  You even tell strangers about it.  If that didn’t wreck it for you…

O:  Yeah but that was cool, the way it just opened….(starts to make large, obscene gestures with his hands)

Me:  You’re so fucking weird.

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17 responses to “The Living-Room Dialogue

  1. Ha… so maybe giving birth = wife turns into a transformer… vagina monologues = wife turns into a fembot?

  2. I don’t think I want children now. I have this mental image of a vagina unhinging itself like the mouth of a boa constrictor.

    And what happened to the good ol’ days when the future daddy just paced in the hallway? 😉

  3. I’ve got to side with your guy on this one. I’m as progressive and feminist as the next guy, but I can’t imagine much that I’d like to do less than spend a couple of hours at The Vagina Monologues.

  4. I saw it…it’s cool, but not for dudes…AT ALL!

    Don’t make him go…you’ll be giving him blow jobs every night for the rest of your life if you make him go.

  5. ohhhhhh Ginny. What am I going to do with you? And what are we going to do with straight men and their dealings with the vag. Seriously, my hubz is all about the vag for one thing. Othwise…he really doesn’t want to hear about it.

  6. love the VM… local gay club would offer free admission with a ticket, so we’d all traipse over and dance ourselves silly after seeing it. but that might not work for O…

    How about a compromise for the guys? 2 hours at the Vagina Monologues – immediately followed by 2 hours in a strip club?

  7. Yeah. I watched too. And after the doctor pulled out the scissors to make the thing unhinge a bit wider . . . well, I still get all kinds of sick thinking about it.

    Never seen the Monologues. And not sure I could . . .

  8. oh Ginny. I do not think this is a wise decision on your part. You need to make this a girls night out. Unless you are going to take daisy’s suggestion and follow it up w/ 2 hours in a strip club. (that actually sounds preferable to me over listening to two hours about the vagina)

  9. I’m with the general consensus on this one… I think making your man sit through VM is like him making you sit through the ultimate fighting championships or 5 straight hours of nascar… cruel and unusual punishment 😉

  10. Fuck ‘im. He’ll go and he’ll like it, and then he’ll feel sheepish and probably pretend that it sucked and be really embarrassed that he enjoyed it so much. Like when he secretly watches Lifetime movies (he totally does, I’m sure of it).

  11. Well, you know, at least if it was Albino Vagina Monologues there’d be one OTHER person out there interested…

    Meanwhile, while giving birth the Dr asked my husband if he wanted to cut the cord. “Hell no – that’s why we have an HMO” I think was the response…

  12. Meagan: If I was a fembot, I’d want to be just like the ones on Austin Powers, with machine gun boobies.

    GYL: Ha! Boa constrictor if you’re LUCKY!!

    FreeMan: But just think of how sensitive he’ll look! (Yeah, he didn’t buy that crap either.)

    nikki: Um, he reads this. Could you maybe not put ideas into his head? 😉

    mongoliangirl: Like we just bring it out for special occasions; otherwise, it just sits on a shelf. Sigh.

    daisyfae: The last time I took him to a gay club, he was just insulted that he didn’t get cruised. And he appreciated your suggestion, except he thought the visit to the strip club should come first. And then we shouldn’t go to the monologues.

    tysdaddy: “the thing”. Dude, you’re coming dangerously close to “vessel” territory here…. 😉

    Vinomom: But from an economical point of view, The Monologues would cost less. Because we don’t have dollar bills here, we have coins. And my aim is terrible.

    Katie: Oooh, I hadn’t really thought of it in those terms. But I think if I had enough snacks, I could get through it. I’ll just throw a couple packs of Twizzlers in my purse, we should be good.

    Rassles: I have a message for you from Owen: “Fuck you, Rassles.” Let’s see, did I forget any of it? Nope, that was it.

    Debe: LOL!!! Oh my god, maybe I should stage a production, exclusively read by albinos. (BTW, I never got the cord thing either. How does that bond you with the baby?)

  13. “tysdaddy: “the thing”. Dude, you’re coming dangerously close to “vessel” territory here…. ;)”

    You have quite the memory, my friend.

  14. [Dons militant feminist hat]

    Living in a patriarchal culture, I imagine that it is torturous for most men to sit through two hours of women talking about their vaginas on their own merits, and not on the basis of vaginas-as-receptacles-for-men or vaginas-in-relation-to-men. It subverts the dominant paradigm significantly.

    And that’s exactly why your husband, and any man who considers himself an ally to women, should see TVM. And if he requires some quid-pro-quo for it, I’m sure you could name countless times you’ve spent 2 hours doing something you had less than enthusiastic interest in “for” him and they probably didn’t influence your broader cultural thinking.

    [Doffs cap, wanders off. Pleasure to “meet” you during Holidailies, I’ll be coming back regularly.]

  15. tysaddy: Like a steel trap. A rusty one, that’s been left out in the rain one too many times, but a steel trap, nonetheless.

    T.R.: Bravo! (applauds wildly) Thanks for coming by, see you again.

  16. Dude, I’ve seen birth videos. Coming from someone that might happen too? NOT cool. I damn near pledged my life to Jesus in the nunning capacity after that.

  17. gnomespeak: Hey, good to hear from you again! You know, I have 2 kids, and I’ve STILL never seen a birthing video, nor did I see myself give birth. Dodged a bullet, there.

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