Joseph Is Missing

My daughter has this advent calendar.  It’s lovely. 


(Her grandma made it.  Apparently, grandma refuses to believe that I may not believe, so it’s all Jesus-y.  Whatever.)

There’s not a lot of room left, we’re getting down to the last couple of days.  When she hung today’s ornament, I did a quick count of what remains.


Here’s what’s left:  another donkey, the manger, and the magic baby.


We were one short.


Joseph is missing.


The poor guy.  I’m no bible expert, but to me, Joseph is the sixth toe on the foot that is the Christmas story.  Kind of….expendable.


And then, I thought, “What if he’s not ‘missing’?”


Could you really blame Joseph for going out for a pack of smokes, and never coming back?  Your chick comes home one day, says “I’m knocked up, and it’s not yours”.  And when you question her on it, she’s all like “Oh no, I didn’t screw around on you!  This baby belongs to GOD!”.  So now she’s not just stepping out on you, she’s straight-up loco, too.  None of your neighbors will look you in the eye; you’re history’s ultimate cuckold.

And fast-forward to your future.  Jesus is a teenager, he’s coming home late, failing math, turning all the water into wine and getting drunk with his homies.  You try to set him on the straight and narrow, and he’s all like, “Fuck you, Joseph!  You’re not my real dad!  I hate you!”.  At a certain point, you gotta say, “Forget this!  I’m outta here!”


It’s OK, Joseph.  I’m not judging you.  Come home when you’re ready.


12 responses to “Joseph Is Missing

  1. Cracks me up that you have an Advent calendar. Ha, I don’t even have one of those.

    Did it come with a Joseph and get lost?

  2. What’s up with those two angels in the rafters? It looks like there’s some kind of sexual favor swap going on. 😯 And wouldn’t you know, Joseph wasn’t invited to join in in that action either. I’d have booked out a long time ago. 😉

  3. It’s very possible I’m a little drunk right now considering it’s almost 4 in the morning, but this was HILARIOUS.

    You made my night.

    Poor Joseph.

  4. I’ve always had the same problem with the Christmas story. Just doesn’t scan. Either that or Joseph is some kind of cuckold saint.

  5. Joseph was down the microbiology lab awaiting the results at the time.

  6. the angels head looks like a very small penis. perhaps joseph felt he was being further mocked by the powers that be and wandered off for a couple hookers…

  7. That one guy sure is looking at that sheep funny. Ever wonder who was the first guy to look at a sheep and think “I gotta have me some of THAT”?

  8. effing HILARIOUS!!!

    made my day!

  9. Kitty: It did come with Joseph. And it depends on your definition of “lost”.

    Peter: I’m a little disappointed in myself for not seeing that earlier. I’m slipping.

    Katie: Maybe that should be my tagline: “Praying to Darwin – Best Read While Drunk”. (Thanks 🙂 )

    Free Man: I know! And if your wife was in labor, would you seriously settle for the barn? Wouldn’t you be in there, tearing the innkeeper a new asshole, demanding a room? And if this really was God’s baby, why didn’t he take better care of his baby-momma? The plot holes are many.

    Xbox: If the Christmas story happened today, they’d be on the Maury show, getting their results live. “In the case of baby Jesus, Joseph……you are NOT the father!” (Cries of “Oh snap!” are heard from the audience.) (Not that I watch a lot of Maury, or anything.)

    daisyfae: God knows he wasn’t getting any at home. Or, she was lying about the whole “Virgin” thing?

    derfina: You people have really taken this advent calendar’s innocence. It wants to take a shower.

    nikki: I’m glad 🙂

  10. Yeah, I could see my husband brokering a deal so I could give birth in the lobby of an inn.

    I just watched that movie Nativity Story a few weeks ago. And I thought the same thing. Mary comes back from her trip, obviously knocked up, and he’s like “Sweet, God’s baby. Bitchen.”

    I mean, weren’t women stoned back then for even looking at a man that wasn’t her husband, let alone turning up pregnant?

  11. So I just typed, “Dude, one of those angels is giving the other a head push. Grandma is a dirty, dirty bitch.”

    And the I saw that Spidey beat me to it.

  12. Beej: The whole story kind of falls apart for me. Too many loose threads.

    Rassles: Blame the 2 year old who positioned them that way. She’s very precocious.

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