The Lady Said They’re Not Getting Any Myrrh Till Next Week

Turns out it doesn’t matter how much I deny it, shut my eyes tight, plug my ears and scream, Christmas is gonna show up.  (I know, it sounded like a valid plan to me, too.)


So I braved the mall today.  Thank god the economy sucks, because it wasn’t nearly as crowded as I thought it would be.  Having said that, I still had to come into accidental body contact (and one incident I’m pretty sure was not an accident.  But not unenjoyable either.  So I let it go.) with a lot more people than I would have liked.  As I seem to have left my sanity, my money and a good chunk of my will to live at the mall, all I have left for you is this disjointed list of stuff I thought about:


1.  You know what the key to a decent Christmas shopping trip is?  Sherpas. 

A sherpa for every shopper.  Someone to schlep my coat, my purse, my 60 pounds of purchases.  I would be in such a good mood.  Someone call the Nepalese consulate, get a program in place.


2. I found what I thought were the best presents evah.  And then I gave my head a shake, realized how bitchy and tired I was, and put down the sushi set (that I picked out for someone who hates fish) and the bronze nativity set (for the person who doesn’t believe in god). 


3.  What.  The.  Hell?

I get it.  Real dogs shed, and eat, and poop.  Then, they die.  Who wants to deal with all that messy, real-life?  I’m sure this battery operated alternative will provide the kids with precious, precious memories.  That they’ll be telling to a well-paid therapist in 10 years. 


4.  I had a killer parking spot.  Second stall in from the door at Sears.  One of the three proudest moments of my life.  Other drivers looked at me enviously.  I felt a swell of un-earned pride.  And posessiveness.  It felt…familiar.  And I realized the last time I felt like this, I was the first one out on the playground, and I got “The Good Swing.”  Every school had one:  the chains weren’t twisted and fucked up, the seat wasn’t split, it didn’t squeak or catch, its path sayed true, no matter what.  And you only gave it up for your Very Best Friend.  Today I had the good swing.  Since my Very Best Friend wasn’t there, I gave it to a Very Nice Family in a Beige Chevy.  I hope they remember me fondly.


5.  By the end, it was a bit of a shit show.  I was balancing 40 pounds of shopping bags on each arm, forearm and hand.  My coat was tied around my waist, and was sliding south.  I was sweaty and tired.  Who do you think opened and held doors for me?  Kindly, middle aged men?  Young moms, who could spot one of their own in trouble?  Grandmas, just happy to help?  Nope.  As far as those demographics were concerned, I could go fuck myself.  Today, it was emo kids to the rescue.  Surly, black-haired, pierced-lip emo boys.  On 3 separate occasions.  That was nice.  (I feel like I should do penance.  A hundred lines of  “I will not mock emo kids.  I will not mock emo kids”.  Etc.)


I’m not done shopping.  But a good chunk is out of the way.  As for the rest, if I can’t get it at the grocery store or the gas station, I’m not getting it.  Sorry.


16 responses to “The Lady Said They’re Not Getting Any Myrrh Till Next Week

  1. Sounds like you had a lovely trip.

    We went yesterday and I too was amazed at how unusually empty it was. No dodging strollers en masse or ducking around teens texting and not watching where they were driving. We only waited about 15 minutes to see The Bearded One.

    Amazing trip.

    And I never got the good swing. So me and my buds got some rubber bands and shot all the cool, fast kids in the ass. Mucho fun!

  2. *snort* I, too, become Lady Bountiful when it comes time to give up “my” primo parking spot. I am very careful about to whom I will bestow it.

  3. It’s insane here- you can’t even drive anywhere due to the shopping traffic. Christmas shopping road rage. Gotta love it.

  4. I went shopping in another town this weekend and it was fantastic! EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG (their real dog, not that fake thing in your post) was coming to Halifax to shop, so I left to shop in the little neighbouring town, and there was NOBODY out! It was PERFECT! 🙂

    I shopped for 10hrs, then I DROPPED!

    And as for the mechanical pooch … was the Tickle Me Elmo much better? At least we actually KNOW what a DOG is … I still haven’t figured out what the hell Elmo is yet!

  5. My dad once got that coveted Christmas shopping parking spot, right by the door. My stepmother turned to him and said “You slut.” Best line ever.

  6. I hate Christmas shopping. And gotta love how much parents will shell out for a nearly alive puppet than a real dog. As for the emo kids, I always think we give teenagers a bad shake; we really ought to believe in them more.

  7. tysdaddy: Don’t get me wrong. I rarely go the good swing. Really! I’m a geek!

    derfina: And I expect them to wave at me, in a grateful manner.

    mkh: Children should learn disappointment early. Get it out of the way, so they have time for all the other lessons.

    mtnlover: I had to purposely plaster a fake smile on my face, to remind myself not to be an asshole while I was driving around parking lots.

    Kim’s Korner: Yeah, but it’s not like you can go out and buy a real Elmo. You CAN buy a real dog. (And I’m not just trying to justify the fact that we have more Elmos than children here 😉 )

    Em: Aw! You’ll be telling your kids that story one day. Precious.

    faemom: Especially since so many of the cute little babies I knew are turning into Emo kids…

  8. I went Christmas shopping today, but avoided the mall and the chain stores as much as possible. There were few crowds and easy parking. And it kind of felt good to buy local.

    Oh, look at me all self-righteous.

  9. Blink (and Ginny): Are you kidding me? I want a S’Mores pony. I would have raped and pillaged for one of those as a child. I still want one. They. Are. Amazing.

  10. Free Man: While you’re out making the world a better place, I’m getting $10 off of Baby-Wets-Herself. So which one of us won, really? 😉

    Rassles: You’d rape and pillage for a good sandwich. Don’t get all dramatic. (Just kidding, sorry about the pony. Hey, did you get my package yet?)

  11. Dude, speaking of emo kids, I forgot to tell you! There was a whole group of them outside of the Eaton Centre a while back giving out free hugs. Sure it was strange, but it was also fab! I like hugs! Hugs from adorably decorated skinny kids. I thought you’d love it.

  12. Point taken Ginny 😉

    And ya know … if the Elmo shit in the house less than the dog did, I’d buy the REAL Elmo over the dog too! Maybe. ;-p

  13. Em: I would have LOVED that!!

    Kim: I love that Elmo can shit in the house, as long as it’s LESS than the dog. You’re such an understanding person!

  14. I love it when I bring all my shopping bags out to the car, just to free up my hands so I can go back into the mall and shop some more. I always get one person who sees me walking out with an armload of bags, and they follow me with their car to my parking spot. Then get very disappointed when I just empty my hands, re-lock the car, and go back into the mall. Hee!

    Though on the other hand I am always tempted to give a person a ride to their car so I can get their spot.

  15. Beej: I have always said that one year, I’m going to do that for a whole day; just walk around with a shopping bag in one hand, my car keys in the other, and just wander around the parking lot, see how many people line up behind me, follow me around. Then, I’d get on a bus.

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