It was a week filled with the dulcet sounds of small children swearing.

From the “What the hell is that?”  my sweet 2 year old dropped in a department store.

To the “Oh SHIT!” my son yelled when he spilled ketchup on himself.

Capped off by this sentence by a colleague’s daughter on the playground, in reference to a playmate’s slight:  “She called me a FUCKER!”

While I not-so-subtly excused myself to laugh until I cried (small kids who swear are my kryptonite), he tried to quiet her down, stop her from using that word.  It took a while.  That’s a pretty satisfying word, and the effect it has on adults is even more satisfying.

Once he got his daughter calmed down, and called me out for laughing, he shared an even better story.


He was at an event, with a silent auction.  One little boy was quite taken with a display, dragged his parents over to see the item.

“Look!  A frickin’ elephant!”

The parents, predictably, panicked a little.  They tried to get him to stop.  (And who gets that excited about an elephant, anyways?)

But he kept saying it.  And he seemed pretty proud.  “It’s a frickin’ elephant.”

His parents start to get agitated.  It’s clear they’re getting ready to take measures.

“But that’s what it says!  A-F-R-I-C-A-N Elephant.  A frickin’ elephant!”

30 responses to “Taxonomy

  1. That is frickin’ hilarious and adorable. 😛 Surely I will retell is tale while the family is gathered for Thanksgiving dinner. 😉

  2. michael.offworld

    My son is starting to read now. I should teach him this joke.

    Maybe not.

  3. Hee hee hee….

    I’ll just skip over the fact I totally didn’t get it for about 4 reads…

    Dammit I can never comment well on your posts because they make me laugh so hard!

  5. The day I found out bitch was a legitimate term was the day my daycare gave us a looooong lecture. Whatever. Bitches made me eat green peppers.

  6. oh that’s a great story. and I totally agree with what “Miss” wrote about you today

  7. Swearing children are damn funny. Well, up until age 10 or so when it changes into more of a “You know that little bastard means it” phase. The innocent two year olds and even the 8 yr old who lets it slip then realizes what they’ve done so a look of horror at their impending doom crosses their face… ahhhh. Priceless.

  8. Hahaha! How great is that! I admit the same weakness when little ones are cussing. Problem with that? My brother accused me of teaching his oldest every foul word I know. I swear I didn’t fuckin’ do it.

  9. Oh. My. God.

    So, one of my friends did this to me at the zoo once. She was twenty-seven, and not retarded. She laughed hysterically at herself and said, “Get it? GET IT?” and elbowed me until we got to the lions, and then switched to, “They’re all just lyin’ around. Get it? GET IT?”

    Maybe she is retarded.

    Your story? Way funnier.

  10. Ha! My favorite story about kids swearing is when my mom said “Son of a… biscuit-eater!” trying not to swear in front of my nephew. His response was to say, very matter-of-factly, “No, no, it’s son of a BITCH, granma.”

  11. That kid has an excellent sense of humor!

    Once, when my daughter was about 3 or so, the church we used to attend had a missionary speak. The auditorium was packed and attentive. We were sitting in the back row. The speaker was getting very excited talking about the prodigal son methinks, and said something to the effect of . . . “You know what he had left to show for it?!” My daughter shouts . . . “NOTHING!” We have the audio to prove it . . .

  12. That was African Hilarious – my Angel just recently dropped the F Bomb while playing Dance Dance Revolution.
    It was an “accident” I can’t imagine where the fuck she gets that language from….

  13. The only bad thing my son has said in the past is ‘damn it’…and it was DAMN FUNNY (after I got over the shock). I could not help but turn away and laugh, just like you. It was not quite as funny, however, when we were at breakfast in a hotel, and he is muttering it under his breath, getting louder and louder til he screams ‘DAMN IT!’ as we are walking him out…good times, good times….

  14. Awesome, a frickin’ awesome post.

    I’m worried that my boy is going to start to pick up some of my partner’s family’s language. They’re Irish and use “fucking” as an adverb, adjective, noun, verb and even preposition!

  15. Peter: I stole it fair and square. It’s yours, too, now.

    Michael: DO IT!!

    Xbox: I had the same experience. But I was standing face to face with the guy who was trying to get me to understand it. Doy.

    velocibadgergirl: Why yes, at least part of the time.

    Maria: Glad I can provide a service 😉

    Em: There are a few (very few) people I would have really, really liked to know as children. I think you’re one of them.

    Myra: Thanks and thanks 🙂

    Sue: Yeah, somewhere around 10, it stops being cute, and turns into foreshadowing of the juvenile delinquents they will become.

    Mongoliangirl: I’ll fuckin’ vouch for you, bitch.

    Rassles: As I was reading your comment, I had the facial equivalent of the “slow clap” in the movies. Twitch, small smile, then Big ‘Ol Grin. That’s awesome.

    Charity: Kids are such sticklers – at the very worst times.

    Tysdaddy: A thousand extra points for doing it in church.

    Vinomom: Oh please! Who can be expected to play video games, of any kind, without swearing? (And yeah, I’m sure you’re TOTALLY innocent…) 😉

    Gigi: Our rule is that if you use it in context, you’re not going to get in trouble. It’s important that they learn how to swear early and effectively.

    Free Man: Preposition. I snorted diet Coke out my nose at that one. It hurt. But was worth it.

    Max: Thanks!

  16. Yo muhfuckah! Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Muhfuckah’s got my back!

  17. You would not believe how many times the words ‘asshole’, ‘shit’ and (my fav) ‘goddammit, mom!’ are used in the Back To The Future movies.

    And for Peyton, everything bad is ‘constipated’. That one came from a bitter french immersion babysitter with a sense of humour who was less than pleased when I taught my kids to swear in french in self defense.

    In fact, in the hot tub in the hotel last night, Peyton even translated for the rest of the occupants what ‘Sacre Bleu!’ and ‘Tabernacle’ meant. So helpful.

    Andrew, of course, never swears. Unless he’s quoting Peyton.

  18. ps – do you think Bob knows any good ones? Maybe he could put some in his Christmas cards for you? You could swap…

  19. That is priceless. I get giddy when a little kid lisps a “sthit!” Comedy gold.

  20. Mongoliangirl: Did you get your mouth washed out with soap a lot, as a kid? Just a hunch. (I preferred Ivory.)

    Hendergurlie: Long story, but B really, really wanted to swear, and for good reason. He asked what the worst “swear” was. I “begrudgingly” told him it was….EPIGLOTTIS. So our boys are dropping medical terminology, thinking they’re all badass. I like. (Indian swear words. That’s kind of the last thing we need. We’ve already got German ones to weed out.)

    Billy: I know. I literally can’t stop myself. It’s bad.

  21. Not too sure on spelling, but my RDC south african room mate told me ‘thevdia’ was bitch and ‘motherachord’ was mother fucker. Probably means epiglottis in hindu.

  22. What the hell are you talking about?

  23. That elephant one was too funny! I would have burst out laughing! Thanks.

  24. Hahhhaahhaha your children swear?

  25. HAHAHAHHAHAHhhahahahha.

    I love it when kids curse. Cracks my shit up.

  26. hendergurlie: Now WHY in the world would anyone who lived with you have cause to use those words? 😉

    Mongoliangirl: Yeah, keep up the innocent act.

    thebeadden: Thanks!

    kaylee2: Um, yes. Maybe they’ll grow out of it?

    Captain: Thanks; I really think there’s 2 kinds of people in the world – those who laugh at cursing children, and those who don’t.

  27. I find swearing really funny for some dumb reason. When I have kids I don´t know how I´m not gonna laugh my head off when they curse.

  28. It’s important that they learn how to swear early and effectively. – lol.

    When my step-niece was three, she had problems with words ending in -uck. They all (no matter what she was saying) came out starting with f-. It was a constant source of embarrassment, since we were very careful to never cuss around her. One day we were at the lake with her grandmother, and Des pointed and yelled “fuck!” and my step sister and I just said, in unison, “She said duck! She said duck!”

    Longer ago, in a galaxy farther away, my uncles taught me to cuss. They were 10 and 12 when I was born, so when I was two, the highlight of their lives was to teach me bad words. (Them: “What is another word for poop?” Me: “Shit!” Them: uncontrollable laughter.) A few years ago, that topic of conversation came up…also brought up was the fact that I never reciprocated when I was babysitting my cousins. My uncle just thanked me profusely for that.

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