Mrs. Tom Wopat…

 

I read somewhere that Julia Roberts’ first crush, at the age of 7, was on a president. No, not an obvious one like JFK, or even that dreamy Gerald Ford.

 

Nope, Jules liked her some Lincoln action.

(Which kind of explains that whole Lyle Lovett craziness, later in her life.)

 

It got me cruising down memory lane, thinking about my own childhood crushes. Join me, won’t you?

 

1979

 Andy Gibb

The Attraction: Clearly, he was the least batshit crazy brother in the family. (That’s right, Barry, I’m talkin’ bout you.) He had chest hair you could have made durable throw rugs out of, if you were into that kind of thing. His hair was a beacon for those who chose to Feather.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Not good. I was 4, he was 21. He was addicted to cocaine, I wasn’t.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Even less good. He’s a little dead, thanks to the drugs.

 

1982

 Luke Duke

 

The Attraction: He was a rebel. His good looks were less obvious than his brother, Bo. And I liked the way his plaid shirts never came untucked from his jeans, even when he was jumping into the window of the General Lee.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Again, age was a factor. And those damn revenuers never would have left us alone.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Tom Wopat’s on Broadway, baby. Eight shows a week doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for new relationships. Maybe when he’s reduced to dinner theatre.

 

1989

 Jonathan Knight

 

 

(He’s the dude in front, hangin’ tough.)

The Attraction: NKOTB rocked my socks. Publicly, I watched Headbanger’s Ball. Privately, I sang along with every damn word on every damn New Kids cassette. But Jordan was too obvious. Donnie was too fast. Joey was a kid. And Danny was fugly (sorry, dude, I’m sure you’ve got a great personality). So that left Jonathan.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: In my mind, very, very good. He’d see me in my nosebleed seats at his concert, point me out, and whisk me away for a lifetime of utter bliss. Sadly, that bitch Tiffany got in our way.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: If you believe the gossip on the interwebs (and I always DO!) it would seem that our Jonathan is a wee bit gay. (Which would explain a lot of the crushes I would go on to have, in real life. Non-threatening boys with nice hair who just wanted to talk. Sigh.)

 

1992

 Bret Michaels

 

The Attraction: He was the lead singer for Poison. He wore tight leather pants and eyeliner. He was dirty.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Excellent. I was a 17 year old who would have believed whatever he told me. If that’s not a recipe for success, I don’t know what is.

 

Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Not so good. He can rock the sunglasses/bandanna, bandanna/cowboy hat, cowboy hat/sunglasses combos all he wants (or, saints preserve us, the trifecta, cowboy hat/bandanna/sunglasses combo, which he saves for high holy days). I know he’s going bald. Plus, judging from “Rock of Love”, I’d have to up my skank quotient by about 600%.

 

So, there you have it. A small glimpse into how I ended up the normal, well-adjusted adult you’ve come to read.

 

Everything is starting to make sense, now, isn’t it?

Advertisements

30 responses to “Mrs. Tom Wopat…

  1. Wow. Cream of the crop there 😉

    If it makes you feel any better, I was IN LOVE with Michael Jackson… um… yeah…

  2. What? No Leif Garrett? Now there is an after picture I wouldn’t want to come across in a dark alley!

  3. I would agree on the NKOTB, except I liked Joey (I think he’s the one in the hat). FWIW, I was totally gaga over Rick Schroeder – Silver Spoons RULED! And, hey, he even was on ‘NYPD Blue’ for a while, and I admit – he looked good!

  4. I’ve got two words for ya:

    SHAUN CASSIDY

    He was my first love. I even had a Hardy Boys lunch pail. *Sigh*

    Can you say “Da Do Run Run”?

    PS: I was ALL rocker chick by the mid to late 80’s. I possessed a shirt that read “The New Kids SUCK.” (It had holes in it that were strategically placed to reveal my black spandex tank top.)

    If the guy’s hair wasn’t longer than mine, he didn’t have a chance. I STILL, to this day, have a thing for long-haired rocker dudes.

    Long live Aqua Net!

  5. I really only have two and they still endure today…

    Rick Springfield. Oh yeah baby, I Get Excited just thinking what you might be like, too.

    And Jack Blades. Dude, I’ll tell you I love you if I want to. Just don’t be singing about that bitch Christian, k?

    😉

  6. Definitely Shawn Cassidy, but before Shawn, there was Mr Purple Socks himself … Donny Osmond!!!

    Fonzie and Jack Tripper

    Jon Bon Jovi

    Funny thing is, now that Bon Jovi’s crossed over to country, I can continue that adoration without drawing too much attention to myself 😉

  7. Katie: That does make me feel better. Not a lot. But a little.

    Derfina: Never got on the Leif train. Not sure why.

    Gigi: Oh my god, Grown Up Rick Schroeder grills my cheese! I think he went a little Mormon, but whatever.

    FP: I think I’m OK, that I’ve kicked it. And then I’ll see a really cute rocker boy with hair past his shoulders and I’m a 17 year old moron again. Good to know I’m not the only one.

    Sue: Christian was obviously a stupid slut. Those boys didn’t want to play no more with her. It was true. But would she listen?

    Kim: Jack Tripper didn’t do it for me at the time, but when I watch the reruns now, I totally get the appeal. So sad he’s gone.

  8. Wow. You’re weird. I love it.

  9. Dude. Bruce Willis. Bruce. Motherfucking. Willis. The Wahlbergs. Wesley Clark. Nathan Fillion.

    And Seth Green.

  10. Oh, and one I never had a thing for back then, but love him now… Anthony Michael Hall. I so did not get the strawberry blonde freckled freak appeal back in the 80’s, but I am obsessed with The Dead Zone.

  11. Me and Fashion Paramedic are going to have to talk! Seriously! Shaun Cassidy? I had a picture of that young man on the door of my bedroom that was all kinds of messed up due to me putting on something like 42 layers of Bonnie Bell Lipsmacker (grape flavor, if you must know) and kissing him every night. Uh…well…the messed up part may have also been because I practiced lots of french kissing on that photo too.
    And…uh…Ginny…is it OK if I admit I thought you were kind of weird before I knew about all of your girlhood crushes? And yes, weird in a completely endearing way.

  12. Funny, but I can’t really remember any massive adolescent crushes.

    I did have the centerfold of Dorothy Stratten hanging under my Joe Elliott poster, just in case the folks walked in unannounced. She was dead by then . . . so is that weird?

    Diane Lane in The Outsiders . . .

    That chick that did the videos with Whitesnake . . .

    All the hotties in the Legs video by ZZ Top . . .

    And that girl in my youth group who used to wear really loose fitting tops, seemingly unaware that her garden was blooming . . .

    And Paula Abdul! She’s forever my girl . . .

    Must. Do. Homework.

  13. O.M.G. I was ALL OVER Brett Michaels. And yes, I am totally stealing this for my blog, I think it would be hilarious to compare Josh’s and my first crushes.

    Your observance of his high holy day trifecta of bandana/cowboy hat/sunglasses is very astute indeed! I think the same could be applied to many rock stars.

    Axl: Holy trifecta of tightie whities/bandana/tantrum

    Nikki Sixx: Holy trifecta of heroin overdose/car accident/new tattoo

    You may have stumbled upon a new theory of physics! Good show!

  14. Did anyone save Andy Gibbs chest hair before he died…cause I could use a throw rug…

  15. Oh and @ tysdaddy, are you thinking of Tawny Kittaen in the Whitesnake videos? Because you can catch her on Celebrity Rehab 2, though even a relatively unshockable character such as myself is a little grossed out by the concept….

  16. That first dude’s chest hair freaks my shit out. My first celebrity boyfriend? Val Kilmer. Top Gun, Real Genius. More Real Genius than Top Gun.

    “Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?” Classic.

  17. I loved Hanson.
    Yes.
    I did.
    Hanson.

  18. I would not have guessed that three-out-of-four of your crushes would be the kind that end up requiring antibiotics. And you seemed so nice.

    Claude E. Manana

  19. That’s revnoors. BTW, what is the statute of limitations on running shine? What? So I was a bit rambunctious when I was a kid.

  20. Yes! Lovely Tawny . . . I don’t have cable so I guess I’ll have to miss her on Rehab. Not surprising, I guess. Didn’t she end up with Sam Kinison for a time . . .

    Ugh!

  21. Maria: Thank you 🙂

    Rassles: I do love me some Seth Green. Of course, I could pretty much tuck him into my armpit, but whatever. He’d make me laugh while he was in there.

    Sue: AMH got about 300% better with age.

    Mongoliangirl: Of course it’s OK – it just means you’re good at reading people. And I want a big ‘ol LipSmacker in the worst way. The ones that were 2 inches across, and made one fuck of a mess when they melted in your jacket pocket. Oh. Yeah.

    Tysdaddy: Tawny also married a baseball player. And beat the shit out of him. Tawny’s not having such a shit-hot life.

    Em: I may have stumbled on it, but you RAN with it, baby!

    VE: Wanting a chest hair rug from a dead guy is just wrong. You’re welcome back anytime!

    Captain: Ooh, Val! I actually liked him the best on “The Saint”. Hot damn. I need to be alone for a bit…

    Talea: Tee hee, I actually thought of your Hanson obsession while I was writing this. I wasn’t in love with them, per se, but I adored (still do) their music. Which was wildly inappropriate, because I was 22 when they hit it big. Whatever.

    Mark: I know, right? And the best part is, I even LOOK innocent.

    Allen: Thanks for “southing” it up for me, man. Keeping it real, yo.

  22. Well, you can tell I was the only preppie one in this bunch.

    High school was all about Andrew McCarthy, Rob Lowe. I liked’em pretty or almost pretty with dark hair and blue eyes. Having sex in a coffin a la St. Elmo’s Fire still does not remain out of the question… Old crushes die hard. (no pun intended)

    Boys with long hair sent me packing. I liked me a nice skater hair cut though – long and angled in the front, high and short in the back. I really liked Judd Nelson too… And Anthony Michael Hall when he was young… As a teenager he had the most elegant and beautiful hands… I loved those hands. He does not appeal to me at all now. I was total Brat Pack gal…

    As I matured I found myself drawn to a young Marlon Brando – anything with Paul Newman at any age… Ed Harris was high up on my HOT list for quite some time… Something so sexy about that man. I enjoy what Nathan Fillion’s cookin’… And – though it is cliche I don’t care chemistry is chemistry and George Clooney secretly loves me…

  23. oh my god!!! andy gibb!!!! he looked so hot!!!!
    anyway ginny, you’ve been tagged. check out my website!

  24. Sulya: Why yes, this blog does seem to skew non-preppy, doesn’t it? And I kind of forgot about Rob Lowe. Sigh.

    19thmayflower: I had that EXACT Andy Gibb poster hanging on my wall when I was 4.

    blink: So sorry that didn’t work out for you. She just got divorced a couple of years ago – maybe there’s still hope?

  25. Yeah, Tawny’s latest appearance is more like that of someone who’s face got sucked into a pool drain…there’s a reason those plastic surgeons who advertise on the subway don’t get much work.

  26. Hello,
    I have been lurking on your blog for a couple of weeks now, and I LOVED this post.
    I hope you are not put off if I use this idea on mine.

    Miss

    Also, I may sponsor a child for the same evolving reasons that you have sponsored yours. Use what works.

  27. Em: Wow, there’s something I never even THOUGHT to be scared of. Face in the pool drain. It’s not the pain that scares me, just the thought that I’ll look like this:

    http://crime.about.com/library/blkitaentawny.htm

    Miss: Welcome! Thanks for de-lurking yourself! Absolutely do this for yourself; confession is good for the soul.

  28. Thanks for the welcome! Stop by my place sometime!
    http://www.clearwaterthoughts.blogspot.com
    Miss

  29. Jonathan Knight….gay? I would say that rumour has crushed me but it DOES make sense. Good thing good ol’ obvious Jordan Knight was (who am I kidding) is still my crush. And now for the shamless self promotion….

    http://www.grumpyyounglady.com/?p=64
    http://www.grumpyyounglady.com/?p=23

    a couple of posts on NKOTB…..however I do write about other stuff 🙂 Drop by and have a gander if you feel so inclined.

    (PS: Jeremy Jordan def did it for my 15 year old self, as did Tony Mortimer from East 17 – no accounting for taste when growing up wearing fluoro push-down socks and bandanas covered in smiley faces!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s