I read somewhere that Julia Roberts’ first crush, at the age of 7, was on a president. No, not an obvious one like JFK, or even that dreamy Gerald Ford.
Nope, Jules liked her some Lincoln action.
(Which kind of explains that whole Lyle Lovett craziness, later in her life.)
It got me cruising down memory lane, thinking about my own childhood crushes. Join me, won’t you?
The Attraction: Clearly, he was the least batshit crazy brother in the family. (That’s right, Barry, I’m talkin’ bout you.) He had chest hair you could have made durable throw rugs out of, if you were into that kind of thing. His hair was a beacon for those who chose to Feather.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Not good. I was 4, he was 21. He was addicted to cocaine, I wasn’t.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Even less good. He’s a little dead, thanks to the drugs.
The Attraction: He was a rebel. His good looks were less obvious than his brother, Bo. And I liked the way his plaid shirts never came untucked from his jeans, even when he was jumping into the window of the General Lee.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Again, age was a factor. And those damn revenuers never would have left us alone.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Tom Wopat’s on Broadway, baby. Eight shows a week doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for new relationships. Maybe when he’s reduced to dinner theatre.
(He’s the dude in front, hangin’ tough.)
The Attraction: NKOTB rocked my socks. Publicly, I watched Headbanger’s Ball. Privately, I sang along with every damn word on every damn New Kids cassette. But Jordan was too obvious. Donnie was too fast. Joey was a kid. And Danny was fugly (sorry, dude, I’m sure you’ve got a great personality). So that left Jonathan.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: In my mind, very, very good. He’d see me in my nosebleed seats at his concert, point me out, and whisk me away for a lifetime of utter bliss. Sadly, that bitch Tiffany got in our way.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: If you believe the gossip on the interwebs (and I always DO!) it would seem that our Jonathan is a wee bit gay. (Which would explain a lot of the crushes I would go on to have, in real life. Non-threatening boys with nice hair who just wanted to talk. Sigh.)
The Attraction: He was the lead singer for Poison. He wore tight leather pants and eyeliner. He was dirty.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Then: Excellent. I was a 17 year old who would have believed whatever he told me. If that’s not a recipe for success, I don’t know what is.
Possibility of Us Working Out, Now: Not so good. He can rock the sunglasses/bandanna, bandanna/cowboy hat, cowboy hat/sunglasses combos all he wants (or, saints preserve us, the trifecta, cowboy hat/bandanna/sunglasses combo, which he saves for high holy days). I know he’s going bald. Plus, judging from “Rock of Love”, I’d have to up my skank quotient by about 600%.
So, there you have it. A small glimpse into how I ended up the normal, well-adjusted adult you’ve come to read.
Everything is starting to make sense, now, isn’t it?