I Hold These Truths to be Pretty Damn Obvious


1.  The world would be a better place if we all told one person per week that they look like a movie star*. Even if it’s a stretch, and the only thing the person has in common with said movie star is possession of two eyeballs and a mouth. A friend told me I reminded her of Faye Dunaway, circa Bonnie & Clyde.

She was being far too nice. But damn, that was cool. And I was just a little nicer to everyone I saw that morning.


2.  The awesomeness of your neighbors should be factored into the value of your home. My neighbors regularly invite my children over to play, make me lattes on Sunday mornings, hand out full sized chocolate bars at Halloween, and tactfully ignore the mess in my backyard. I figure that should be worth at least fifty grand on top of the price of my house.


3.  Farting SHOULD be criminal. This guy in West Virginia farted on a cop. Totally on purpose. And they charged him with battery. I was elated. The other people who get mail here (i.e. the husband and kids – yes, even the 2 year old girl) celebrate farts proudly and publicly, without even a modicum of shame. Finally, I could threaten them with criminal charges. Alas, the charges were dropped. But I think some important precedent has been set. And when the world is done throwing up from the financial tailspin it’s in, I want resources devoted to this problem, people.


4.  One 52 cent stamp attached to one card that was sent for NO REASON is worth a million damn dollars. Mail that’s not a bill? From a friend who’s stuck by you for twenty-one years? Pretty much priceless.


5.  There is no dining experience that cannot be enhanced by either bacon or butter. Or some mystical combination of the two.

Go ahead. Try to come up with something. Whatever it is, I will gladly slather it in bacon &/or butter. And I’ll tell you, honestly, whether it rocked. Because I know it will.



* Please note that Jabba the Hutt, does not count. While it could be true, it’s just mean.


(Images from here and here.)


22 responses to “I Hold These Truths to be Pretty Damn Obvious

  1. you have some great ideas here, especially the awesomeness of neighbors effecting house value. That would mean that appraisers would have to go around and hang out with your neighbors to determine your house worth. That would be kinda cool. My cousin is an appraiser and I think he would dig that.

  2. I’m always telling the old ladies at the gimcrack that they look like Deanna Durbin or Veronica Lake. they usually respond with a fart.

  3. This Devil's Workday

    Your little wordpress picture actually reminds me of Olivia Wilde.

  4. I cannot get on board with that good neighbor=higher home value one bit. We would end up being laughed out of a bank if we needed to a home equity loan.
    And…will you still let me comment on your blog if I admitted that me and my entire family would be in prison for life if that fart law passed?
    I’m not saying we fart a lot. Noooo! No! Not that! It’s just a hypothetical question. That’s all. Really.

  5. Amen!
    Can we include pets of the canine variety when it comes to farting?
    Good neighbors ROCK! But I can only get on board with that one if we can direct the appraisers to certain neighbors!
    Nothing beats the surprise of a handwritten letter from someone you love!

  6. Number two should only apply if we do not get penalized by the sheer stupidity of our neighbors. I have some of the dumbest neighbors on earth. Unfortunately the value of my house does suffer because of the dog tied in the front yard. Right next to my yard. Ok, partially in my yard. And the circle of dirt it is exhuming on a daily basis because it is bored out of it’s canine mind tied to the tree for 22 hours a day with no one human interaction other than someone yelling “Shut up, Charlie!” out the window at it.

  7. I was once told I look like Kirsten Dunst… and that, my friend, is NOT a compliment, IMO.

    But, you’re right… Faye Dunaway circa B&C is a definite mood booster!

  8. I agree with you on the cool neighbors. Our neighbors are great. Unfortunately it took an actual hurricane to get to know some of them better, but we know we can count on them. Although, I have one neighbor who dropped by an ‘outline’ of her kids Halloween party last year, done in Microsoft Word. She is a nut. It did not take a hurricane to figure that one out.

  9. 1. When I was in my late 20’s an older woman told me I reminded her of Charlton Heston. Hello, Mrs. Robinson.

    2. One of my neighbors has a beer siren on his barn roof. It goes off, come on over for a beer.

    3&4. I received a credit card offer in the mail for one of my horses, which might help explain the financial crisis, he doesn’t carry a wallet.

    5. Mango Sorbet.

  10. mmm…butter. i can’t think of one damn thing that wouldn’t be enhanced!

  11. yeah…. where would Last Tango in Paris be without the butter?

  12. But..but…farting is my only defense!

  13. Just yesterday my hubby noted my attendance at some celebrity gig – only it was Sarah Silverman in the picture. Does that make me funny?

  14. Bluestreak: Oh, I’m just chock FULL of good ideas. Float my idea to your cousin, let me know how it goes over.

    Nursemyra: The old ladies also like to hear they look like Myrna Loy. And god knows, they like to fart. I’m not sure if they can’t hear themselves anymore, or they just don’t give a rat’s ass. But they NEVER act embarassed by it.

    Devil’s Workday: Welcome! I didn’t recognize the name Olivia Wilde. All the way over to the iMDB site, I kept whispering “Please don’t be a porn star. Please don’t be a porn star.” And then I realized you were talking about 13 from House. I don’t look like her. But thanks.

    Mongoliangirl: Of course farters are welcome. Fart away, I don’t live with you! I think it’s just the fact that I live in a house that smells like ass – it makes me cranky.

    Arynsmom & Sue: I neglected to factor in bad neighbors. I am ridiculously blessed in the neighbor department. Of course, when I am queen of the world, bad neighbors will not count.

    Katie: Um, don’t hate me, but I can kind of see the Kirsten Dunst thing. Except your teeth all seem to be pointing in the right direction. And you seem to have about a 100 IQ points on her.

    Gigi: Outline of her kids’ party??? Holy nutjob. You’re gonna be talking about her on the news one day: “She was a nice, quiet lady. We never would have suspected she had the mailman in her freezer.”

    Allen: I humbly accept your challenge. Watch this space for pictures of me eating Mango/Bacon Sorbet.

    Gina: Mmm hmm, that’s right, girlfriend.

    Nursemyra: Oh YEAH!!!

    Emerald: I’ll grant an exemption in your case. You ride the subway. You do what you have to do.

    Janie: Welcome! You should totally try to scam your way into something, and be all, “I’m Sarah Silverman!!” Now THAT would be funny!

  15. My hubster, star that he is, used to send me postcards almost every day for a while there. I had told him that it wasn’t enough to SAY he loved me. I needed a little more proof. 🙂 What a surprise to get love notes and funny little oddball comments on postcards for two years.

    Hey, wait a second. He stopped sending them…. Maybe I’d better not read too much into that!

  16. An important precedent has been set. Farting on cops is the new defining moment of “cool”. 😛 Hehehe.

  17. Writinggb: Well, the price of stamps has increased dramatically….OK, I’ve got no excuses for him.

    Peter: Generally, I like to NOT be close enough to a cop to fart on him.

  18. Oh come on, all the cool kids are doing it. :mrgreen:

  19. Invest in berets. They looked awesome on Faye Dunaway.

    My roomate tells me that I look like Alexis Bledel. I just wish I was bilingual.

    Ice cream would be awful with bacon.

  20. Steve: Oooh, Alexis Bledel is so cute!

    I had a beret once (and yes, cringe, it was raspberry in color). I looked moronic. But maybe it would be different now.

  21. Nice “This I Believe”, I’m with you 100% on Numbers 1 and 5. Particularly the latter. Bacon sandwiches with loads of butter and melted cheese. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

  22. FreeMan: Wow! Thanks for dropping by! And I like your sandwich style. Between us, we probably have the cholestrol level of a small nation (or maybe just a principality- Andorra, The Vatican City?).

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