Stop Reading NOW If You Are Offended by the Word “Vagina”

 

 

Hey rich girls down the block! What’s up? Noticed you were having a little party the other night. Mommy and Daddy sure are liberal with the keys to the booze cabinet, aren’t they?

 

From our back porch, my husband couldn’t help but hear you playing your out-RAAAY-geous little game. Near as he could tell, it was called, “My Vagina Is…” You all sat in a cute little circle, on your patio (because if you’d stayed inside, how could all the square, boring, non-fabulous (old) neighbors have been exposed to your out-RAAAY-geousness?), and repeated the phrase “My vagina is-”, finishing with an adjective. You were trying to make it through the alphabet. He was lucky enough to hear you shouting your way through “L”. “My vagina is LUSCIOUS!” “My vagina is LOVELY!” Every single adjective you picked was flattering, a tribute to the fabulousness that you’ve convinced yourself is YOU.

 

Oh, sweethearts. This game could have been so much more. I know that you and your friends are VERY BUSY. Straight-ironing your identical heads of blonde hair, buying Gucci purses and making sure everyone knows that said purses are NOT knockoffs, parking your step-dad’s white BMW on my front lawn. Having a chink in the armor (i.e. a sense of humor) would undermine all the hard work you’ve done. But should you ever decide to step out of your vacuous little circle, come over to my house. Bum a smoke off me, drink a domestic beer, and I’ll play the game with you. With a little self-deprecation, a dash of intelligence, and just a soupcon of humor, you, too, could actually enjoy this game.

 

Here you go. My list. All 26 letters.

My vagina is…

 

average, biased, challenging, dilapidated, engrossing, fortified, GIGANTIC!, hirsute (sorry, couldn’t resist), industrious, jet-propelled, kaleidoscopic, literate, morbid, nefarious, opportunistic, peaceful, quixotic, ritzy (I think that one’s my favorite), suspicious, toothy, unassuming, vulcanized, wintry, xenophobic (my second favorite), yellow, and, finally, zesty.

 

There you go. That wasn’t so difficult, was it?

You’re welcome, girls.

(By all means, feel free to leave your favorite adjectives in the comments section. I think it’s fairly obvious by now, I am not easily offended. Just don’t park your Beemer on my front lawn. Because that’s offensive.)

 

(Image borrowed from here.)

Advertisements

33 responses to “Stop Reading NOW If You Are Offended by the Word “Vagina”

  1. Hilarious. Awesome post. I thought suspicious and toothy were the best.

  2. I just went to a concert over the weekend and there was a company named “I Love Vagina” selling tshirts and other things with that logo on it. Everything but the thing. LOL.
    So this guy is in front of us with his 10 year old son and they seem to be having a normal little outing when the dad turns around and he’s got one of those shirts on.
    Oh the horror.

    Next time I come here I’ll tell you how to fix that beemer parking in your yard problem. (Go get an ice pik, I’ll be back soon.)

  3. haha very funny. wish I had a jet propelled vagina!

    coincidentally I’ve done a post on vaginas today too

  4. Forgive me. I don’t have the goods, but I couldn’t but want to play along:

    Atomic (it’s the bomb, baby, but more along the lines of explosive), Biohazardous, Crusty, Disfigured, Equine, Flatulent, Gelatinous, Horrific, Infectious, Jiggly, Kryptonite, Ludicrous, Moldy, Nappy, Overrated, Pornographic (not the warm funny way), Quirky, Repulsive, Seismic, Traumatizing, Uuuuug-ly, Vegetarian (or Vagetarian), Wizened, X: I think you scored the only worthy x-word, Yeasty, Zero (what it’s worth).

    Let’s assume this vagina belongs to one of the rich girls down the block. 😉

  5. “soupcon”

    This is why I read you, my dear. You and your “literate” vagina. New words. And it’s been awhile, so thanks for this one. Now I have to figure out how to 1) say it and 2) use it in a sentence or two. I’m heading back to class today and I need to make a good impression . . . 😉

    Being a male, and since my wife also reads your blog, I shall refrain from commenting further on your vagina . . .

  6. teenage neighbor

    Like. Whatever. I don’t even know what half of those words, like, mean. I mean, like, are they even in English. Whatever.

    Oh and sorry about the car. My boyfriend was like so drunk that night.

  7. Reading that you have a GIGANTIC! vagina is probably the reason I just pissed my pants.

  8. I just want to add one… “overused.” 😉

  9. how about naive? nostalgic? nubby? Not sure why I’m fixated on the N…

  10. Bluestreak: I think vaginas SHOULD be suspicious. Self-preservation and all that.

    Kitty: A lesbian friend of ours has a t-shirt that says “It’s Not Gonna Lick Itself”. Makes me giggle every damn time. And why am I not surprised that you wouldn’t suffer beemers on the front lawn. You little vigilante you!

    Nursemyra: “coincidentally I’ve done a post on vaginas today too”. Um, that’s not exactly a coincidence. I don’t even think Vegas will give odds on you doing a post about vaginas 😉 (and that’s why I keep going back to your site.)

    Peter: I knew, KNEW you’d be the one to rattle off a list. Bless your heart. And I laughed my ass off at it. Good work. (Equine was especially wonderful.)

    Tysdaddy: Good luck working that word in. With just a soupcon of effort….see how easy that was? And I think I may have a new tag line: “Most literate vagina on the internet.” Thanks!

    Teenage neighbor: Thanks for reaching out to open the lines of communication. I think that if we just talked we could find some common ground….Fuck it. You’re an insipid bitch. I hope you get herpes. Love, Ginny

    Maria: It just begged for capitalization, don’t you think?

    Katie: I like. But you’re talking about the teenagers down the block, right? RIGHT???

    Writinggb: NUBBY? Way to get into the spirit, kid!

  11. Those girls sound like they may be distantly related to a pack of young teenage brats I saw at the mall this weekend. One was wearing a shirt that said, “I’m so awesome…I’m jealous of MYSELF.” WTF. I hate teenagers. I wish my kids could just skip the ages from 13 – 18.

  12. Please tell me that my daughter won’t be there in a year.

    Please.

    *quieter* Pretty please? I can handle a little lie, it’s ok.

  13. GiGi: I hated BEING a teenager. Mostly because I just didn’t GET the girls who would have worn that shirt.

    Lara: Welcome! I need to believe that not all girls will end up there. If that’s a lie, it’s a lie I’ve already started telling myself about my 2-year old.

  14. I think I hacked up a bit of lung laughing on that one. Even though I can’t imagine guys playing Penis Alphabet, oh yeah I can hear it.

  15. I’m sort of afraid of your vagina, now that I learn that it’s toothy. Oh, those teenagers with their BMW’s and their silly vagina games. God bless them.

  16. Ahh, a love poem to the great va-jay-jay. Always deserved.

  17. Allen: There’s something about the combination of back-to-school and “Penis Alphabet” that just seems right.

    Duffboy: Welcome! “Oh, those teenagers with their BMW’s and their silly vagina games.” This may be one of my 3 favorite quotes of all time.

    Captain: If I don’t do it, who will? Well, actually, there are probably 1000’s of websites who do it. But they’ll charge you for it. And I’m givin’ it away for free. So there.

  18. I’ve got to say that vulcanized is my favorite. For some reason I keep seeing images of the Michelin Man in my head. LOL!

  19. I am going to spend the next hour writing the perfect comment.

    I’ll be back.

  20. albino, brash, catty, doggy, egotistical, frank, giggity, hungry, ironic, judicious, kinetic, lamentable, mischievous, notorious, obscure, penitent, quaint, rapt, sly, torrid, uppity, vegas, walled, xylophilous, yonder, zippy

    I think that’s it.

  21. Sue: Tell me the Michelin Man isn’t just a little hot? Am I the only one?

    Rassles: You are truly the Lisa Simpson of my blogroll. To the front of the class with you. (I frigging love your list. That yours would be both catty and doggy. I just assumed it would be ironic. Vegas? Oh yeah. Every single one of them is a winner. You’re divine.)

  22. I’d have gone over and stood on the other side of the fence and played along with the alphabet. “You forgot LOOSE, you little slut! Next letter, how about MAYONNAISE, smells like? NASTY!!! Oh, this is fun! No, no, it’s my turn again! Your vagina is OBVIOUS! Yeah, can you spell camel toe? PUTRID! HAHAHAHAHAHA”

    Good thing I don’t have neighbours…

  23. No, you’re the best. You said toothy. Which is like, best vag word ever.

    Xylophilous. I’m most proud of that one, I think. Can’t come close to toothy.

  24. Em: Your awesomeness never fails. Hil-fuckin-arious! Where are you when I need you? Oh yeah, across the damn country! (“Obvious” I’m gonna giggle about that till lunch, at least.)

    Rassles: Xylophilous works on so many levels. You SHOULD be proud.

  25. Rassles, an albino vagina? Some questions come to mind, but I just don’t want to know the answers.

    That one is hysterical.

  26. Xbox: Yeah. Try unseeing that image? Can’t, can you?

  27. Call an english teacher and tell on me, see if I care!
    Did not stick to adjectives:
    aficionado, blow-hole (guess which kid calls it that!), contortionist, dilly dallier, effervescent, feral, gyrating, hyperbolic, immoralized, jungle, kaleidoscopic, laissez-faire, miserly, nexus, orifice, patient, quaky, regal, scenery, tupped, uncouth, volcanic, wassailing, x-chromosomed, yammering and zealous…. no really.

  28. Allen, I am pale as fuck.

    Actually, right now I’m tan. Weird. I guess I typed too soon.

    And Ginny, I want to play more word games ever since I’ve abandoned sporcle. Help.

  29. Christa: I love you. Laissez-faire. Damn, that’s good. Also, wassailing makes me think I need to hang out with you over Christmas, just to see what the fuss is about.

    Rassles: I know, what happened to sporcle? At first, I was all “Oh my god this is the best thing evah.” And then, once I had done every quiz, I felt all empty inside. I’ll see what I can come up with.

  30. There’s a movie about a toothy vadge, hmm, now Ima gonna hafta rent it.

  31. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s