Now I Lay Me Down to (Not) Sleep…

 

I have all freakin’ day to think these thoughts. Instead, the little buggers lurk until I close my eyes and try to sleep.

 

1.  Are the spiders in this house on steroids? I walked through a piece of cobweb in the bathroom doorway that was 4 feet long. Four. Feet. And we’re not talking about some hidden corner in the basement, where we rarely tread. There’s only one bathroom in this house. The absolute longest window of time that spider would have had would have been an hour. That’s a pretty big project for a normal spider. Are the spiders meeting, plotting against me, passing out little tiny spider-sized growth hormone pills?

2.  There’s a ferret on the loose in my neighborhood. I saw a mother & daughter on my street, obviously looking for a lost pet. “What color is your cat?” I asked, ready to be graciously helpful.

The mom stops scanning the alley to look at me. “Brown & white. But it’s not a cat. It’s a ferret.”

“Yeah. A ferret. NOT a rat.” It is very important to the daughter that I appreciate this distinction. (It’s almost like she knows who she’s dealing with.)  But I’m sorry, honey. It’s a long, skinny rodent. I have no doubt the little fucker is burrowing into my home’s foundation and depositing it’s evil little ferret babies therein. I don’t care if it’s name is Peppy, and it’s much beloved: vermin is vermin.

 

3.  The kids and I witnessed an almost fist-fight at Safeway. A pair of biceps with a head on top was roughing up two spiky haired young men. I missed the inciting incident. I can only guess that it had to do with the orange colored girl with bad highlights who was accompanying the biceps. But seriously? People are gonna start throwing down at the grocery store? Is there anywhere I can feel safe with my kids? What’s next? Monkey knife fights at the library?

4.  I got into a fight with an arborist. He parked his tree chipper directly behind my car. I said the machine may need to be moved. He threw what he was holding on the ground, stomped off and swore under his breath. Oh no he di-in’t!

“EXCUSE ME? Are you seriously getting mad at me because you parked like an ass?”

He refuses to look at me, hides in his truck, and essentially tells me to “be quiet and get out of the alley.” I scream for a while, tell him he is a sad, sad little man, and drive away. I hear him yelling at his crew for the rest of the day. (His workers must have some big ‘ol criminal records to need a job that bad. That dude was mean.)

And at the end of the day, all I can think is “Ginny, you’ve pissed off a short man, who has a Napoleon complex. And a tree chipper. And your address.”

(“I guess that’s your friend over there in the wood chipper, eh?”  Oh, Coen Brothers.  Remember when you used to care?)

(What pisses me off more? The fact that I only came up with the parting shot I wanted 12 hours later: “You, sir, are an embarrassment to the entire Lollipop Guild.”)

Soooo, that’s what I thought about instead of sleeping.  I trust I won’t have to explain the bags under my eyes ever again.

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17 responses to “Now I Lay Me Down to (Not) Sleep…

  1. I so wanted to be a member of the Lollipop Guild as a kid. Something about them just screamed “COOL” to me, but now I have no idea exactly what that was. 😕

    Oh and not to be a total ass but ferrets aren’t rodents. They are, and I quote “a domesticated, usually red-eyed, and albinic variety of the polecat, used in Europe for driving rabbits and rats from their burrows”. But in your defense I have heard them be described as “blood thirsty animals”. :mrgreen:

    You need to start carrying a camera with you to document these orange people sitings. I’m thinking she might have been a female Oompa-Loompa. They females are on the endangered species list ya know.

    A picture of the biceps would have been pretty cool too. 😛

  2. Perchance this was all a dream? That, or you have one very interesting life . . .

  3. I completely hate it when I conjure the perfect retort hours after the fact, and then it’s all, “That would have been perfect. Why can’t my wit be as quick as my typing skills? Ahh, balls.”

  4. OMG! That’s one of my FAVORITE scenes from Fargo! Frances McDormand was brilliant in that movie. I loved how she’d say “I think I’m gonna barf.”

    Oh — and *I’ve* actually thrown down at the grocery store. In my own catty way. You’d enjoy the story: http://fashionparamedic.com/?p=67

    And Peter is right. You really should find a way to tote your camera around. Or start using your cell phone camera like I’ve been doing: http://fashionparamedic.com/?p=328.

  5. Oooh! Tell your neighbors to get a squeak toy and squeak it. There was something about the squeaking noise that triggered a response in my ferrets and sent them running toward it and biting whatever was making the squeaking noise.

    Griffen learned this the hard way when he was a puppy. He was chewing on a squeak toy. All I heard was:

    Squeak squeak squeak

    then

    YELP! YELP! YELP YELP!

    I turned to see Neptune, my ferret, firmly latched onto a lab puppy ear and dangling as Griffen paced about the room yelping at us to help get this infernal thing off his ear.

    So, yeah, tell your neighbors to watch their ankles.

  6. Peter: There was definitely something bad ass about the Lollipop Guild. They looked like they had been put in those monkey suits and had their faces spit shined by their mothers, but they weren’t happy about it. And if you turned your back on them, they’d bite your kneecaps. (And I made the necessary “rodent” correction. But they’re still evil.)

    Tysdaddy: Sadly, no. That was just one day’s weirdness. It HAS been uncharacteristically warm here – maybe that contributed?

    Rassles: I’m pretty sure the dude would never have caught the reference. That’s all that’s making me feel better, so I have to believe that.

    Fashion Paramedic: I don’t have a camera on my cell phone. I have the world’s cheapest, lowest tech piece of crap. And I wouldn’t even have that, if I wasn’t paranoid about the car breaking down while I have the kids in it. I loathe cell phones. However, for the purposes of blogging, it may be worthwhile…

    Beej: You had ferretts? On purpose? We are very different people, you and I. And I’ll pass on the squeaky toy tip. I saw the girl, wandering the neighborhood, absolutely hopeless looking. Even if she is looking for vermin, I feel bad for her.

  7. They actually are great pets. I mean, how can you not love this pic of Neptune and Sylvia? http://www.followsabine.com/tvproject/uploaded_images/nepsyl2-755852.jpg

    But the problem is, cancer is very common among ferrets, so I’ll never get another one. The ferret industry ends up creating the tumor problem, you know?

  8. “Ginny, you’ve pissed off a short man, who has a Napoleon complex. And a tree chipper. And your address.”

    Words to live by.

    Hey if you need spider help I can send you an empty plastic container that is just the right size for spider trapping.

  9. THE LOLLIPOP GUILD!!!!

    *goes to dig out WoO*

  10. Ginny, I’ve pissed off men of all shapes and sizes. You really took your life into your own hands in that situation, since the short ones are the ones that feel they’ve got something to prove. Like, that they can overpower some mouthy broad and shove her into a woodchipper.
    Mayhaps you should learn to control yourself around armed, short men.
    Just sayin…

  11. Hey, you can borrow my dog to take care of that vermin problem. West Highland White Terriers may look cute, but they are bred to hunt down the critters and break their little necks….

  12. Oh! an arborist! I misread that for “abortionist” and the whole scene took on an entirely different perspective! 🙂

  13. hahaha that was funny, that should-have-been-said-ending-part. anyways, i always can’t get to sleep cos my mine is always active. thinking of what to blog about next, what to cook tomorrow, what to wear da da da da….

  14. oh btw, i think that ferret is cute 🙂

  15. Max: You’d part with your exotic hazel nut container? I’m touched.

    Talea: Especially as a 5’10” woman…

    Writinggb: I like the part where the necks get broken. More than I like to admit.

    Oscarandre: Welcome! And, as a rule, I try not to go about pissing off abortionists. It’s just bad form.

    19thmayflower: If by cute you mean creepy and vicious, then I agree.

  16. Take Max up on her offer of the container, Ginny. She once trapped a cockroach that could bench press a Volkswagen in that thing.

  17. I hate it when my day interferes with my sleep. I’ve had that problem every now and again… most recently with that damn Simon and Garfunkel song and the quest to decide on a new cell phone.

    Fortunately I have the new phone in hand and I’m drowning myself in music as we speak to force the offending music from my head.

    Please let me sleep well tonight, too.

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