A friend moved away last week.


I walked over to say goodbye. Once I got past the movers and boxes, I found her in the front hall. She had that look. The one that says “This move sucks ass, and I’m done even though there’s 6 hours of packing left, and it’s too hot for this shit, and I’m about an inch away from saying fuck the whole thing.” I backed out the way I came in, offering the only thing I had: my services as a babysitter for her daughter.


She took me up on it the next day.


My daughter and I walked over to retrieve her daughter. The two girls and I made some lunch, drew some pictures, read some books.


That took up a grand total of 20 minutes.


Even though it was hotter than a crotch, I decided to take the girls for a walk. Luckily, 2 year olds can make an adventure out of anything. And there were plenty of lessons to pass the time, like: pine cones = good, cigarette butts = bad.



A sweet little old lady came up behind us.


“Oh, what cute little blonde sweeties!”


I smiled. (If I agreed, did I look conceited? And I could only take credit for half the cuteness.)


“Are they sisters?”


“No, no, just friends.” They don’t really look alike. My daughter’s built like a very small linebacker; her friend is very petite, a head shorter and 15 pounds lighter.


“How old are they?”


“Both 2. They were actually born 2 weeks apart.”


“Oh! So they’re TWINS!”




I could hear my brain saying “Fuck this. You wanna do the mental handsprings necessary to get Grandma to understand how messed up her logic is, go hard. I’m outta here.”


I smiled again.




She keeps grinning at the little angels for a minute. Then she turns back to me:


“Are they identical?”



20 responses to “Sigh.

  1. Old people. Gotta love ’em.

  2. 😆 Old people. I don’t have to love ’em. 😛

    Some are ok… I guess. 😉

  3. Hey, I like old people a lot. I hope to be one, one day. Old or not, people kind of get a little weird in the heat.

  4. This reminds me of the time I was on a cruise ship elevator and a little old lady asked me:

    “Does this elevator take me to the front of the ship?”

  5. A perfect example of speaking just to hear your own voice and not really HEARING what the other person is saying!

  6. oh damn. Ageing sucks.

  7. I would have told her that they were actually half of my set of quadruplets, but since I only have two hands, I have to walk the little darlings in shifts.
    You would have made her day.

  8. My kids are identical too.

    You know, except the boy one has a dick.

  9. I can now say that I’ve smiled today.

    As George Younce, the “infamous” troublemaking bass singer of the Cathedrals, once said, poking a bit of fun at J. D. Sumner, “I love old people!”

    A link, if you have the time . . .

  10. FashionParamedic: I wish there were such an elevator. I really, really do.

    arynsmom: Exactly. Regardless of age.

    Bluestreak: I just hope to find out for myself.

    Talea: I also thought of telling her that I just had really kickin’ Kegels, and that I had clenched for those two weeks. Out of spite.

    Chick: Snort.

    Tysdaddy: Glad to be of service. (Cute link. I like my geezers funny!)

  11. Someday I will be an old woman that throws mismatched mittens at children as they wait for the bus and walks my cat in a stroller. I will cackle to myself with glee as people twitch their curtains shut and mutter to myself about trolls and gnomes and evil little bastards.

  12. Captain Steve: First of all, do the mittens belong to you, or the children? Because I CANNOT condone the theft of mittens from children. I’ve tried. I just can’t.

    Secondly, I truly believe you will do all of those things. But you won’t ask stupid questions.

  13. That reminds me of when my sister and her husband were adopting a baby from China. When the Chinese government finally sent a photo of my niece, then 6 months old, my brother in law hung it up over his desk. So he has this picture of this obviously Chinese baby up at his desk, and his co-worker comes up and asks “Who is this baby?” BIL replies “That’s my daughter.” Co-worker looked at my BIL’s dark brown eyes against his white skin and tall, gangly body. Then she looked at the picture of the obviously Chinese baby and said “Oh, she has your eyes!”

  14. Twins needs to be remade with Rob Schneider and The Rock.

    Just sayin.

  15. This is how medication happens, when the urge to smack little old ladies just becomes too much to bear 😛

    Personally, I would have told her they were clones, and then invited her over to explain the technology, prepping the kitchen table with a delightful tea service and selection of books by L. Ron Hubbard. Just for kicks, you know.

  16. Oh, and I don’t know who Captain Steve is, but I like how he thinks. I can’t wait until I get to put on a pair of purple spandex pants and poke kids on the bus with my cane, telling them to get a real job and a haircut.

  17. Correction. I like how she thinks. Dammit!

  18. Beej: Welcome! Awesome story.

    Rassles: Once upon a time, I bought a magazine that had the Rock on the cover, shirtless (don’t you judge me). The cashier picked it up and said “Wow! Rob Schneider’s really been working out!” So you’re not alone in that thought.

    Em: “Just for kicks.” You lead a rich inner life, dear. And don’t feel bad; I thought the Captain was a dude at first, too. Whoops. She has a kickin’ blog though. No denying that.

  19. I have a ton of OP (old people) stories. I’ve been working with them for the past 17 years. In fact, I swear OP seek me out to talk to me in completely random situations and my friends all swear that it’s because I have OP funk on me. LOL!

    And just in case you are interested, I deleted my old bog and have started over at:

    Damn stalker ex-boyfriends suck.

  20. “OP funk” I wonder if they say anything about us when we leave the old folks home after a visit: “Ugh! It smells like vitality and hope in here! For christ’s sakes, open a window!”. Glad to know where you went. The new blog’s layout is fabulous!

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