Leftovers: The Kitchen Edition

 

Wherein I present bits and pieces; none of them on their own suffice, but put together, the end product may be mildly satisfying. Said bits and pieces relate, however tangentially, to the kitchen.

 

1.  The husband and I are having a discussion about songs we are currently enjoying. He’s trying to remember the name of a song. It is becoming painful.

 “You know!  The fucking napkin song!” Owen says, exasperated.

 I don’t know. But I do have some insight into how his mind works. Follow me down the rabbit hole that is his thought process. A napkin is a piece of cloth. A piece of cloth that would be kept in a kitchen. Other pieces of cloth in the kitchen include dish cloths, tea towels, perhaps a tablecloth. Tablecloth. “Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth”. That’s a line from the song “B.Y.O.B.”, by System of a Down. 3 cherries!!!

 “Um, do you mean that System of a Down song?  B.Y.O.B.?”

“Yeah!” His cherubic smile is thanks enough for the mental gymnastics I go through, each and every day on his behalf.

 (If you check out my blogroll, you’ll notice a little gem called “Jason. For the Love of God.” I’ve seriously considered a companion blog: “Owen. What the Crap?”)

 

2.  I do the majority of the laundry around here. (I’m cool with it; there are a lot of things I don’t do, like getting the oil changed, mowing the lawn, or vacuuming.) Every now and again, the husband’s wallet takes a trip through the rinse cycle. In my defense, I’m pretty sure that people who are not in the armed forces don’t need a pair of pants with 15 pockets, each of them the perfect hidey-hole for a wallet. We’re at the point where he doesn’t even get mad. He just silently empties the contents, lays them flat to dry, and tells me to put a new wallet on his Christmas list.

 The last time this happened, one of the casualties was a baby picture of our son. It stayed where it had been left to dry, on the top of the fridge. It couldn’t be salvaged, but neither of us could bring ourselves to throw it out. To do so smacked of sacrilege. Number one son was rooting about on top of the fridge one day, and came across this picture.

“What? When was I in space?”

 Sigh. He seemed like such a bright boy. “Hello, Harvard? About that spot you were holding…”

 

3.  We go through a ton of hot dogs every summer. The kids love them, and so do I. I don’t even consider them a guilty pleasure: I just flat out love hot dogs. Lips and assholes, you say? Well, yes. But they’re delicately spiced and pleasantly textured lips and assholes, and I make no apologies.

 For some reason, I looked down into the garbage can after throwing away the wrapper from the latest pack. You know how when you’ve seen a picture or logo so many times you don’t actually see it anymore? For some reason, I really looked at the picture this time.

The picture (sorry, this was as clear as I could make it) shows the “suggested serving”:  a platter with carrots, tomatoes, broccoli, vegetable dip…and a half dozen boiled wieners. Um, really? Hot dogs as crudite? I could almost see cocktail wieners in this tableaux, but full sized hot dogs? I cannot wait for my next turn to host book club. I am totally plunking a bunch of wieners down in the middle of the veggie tray. With a straight face. (If you are in my book club, and happen to be reading this, please, do the decent thing and feign surprise and awkwardness. I have so little in my life to keep me amused.)

 

So there you have it; tales from the kitchen.

 

 (You should probably hope I get tired of this series, before it hits the bathroom.)

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20 responses to “Leftovers: The Kitchen Edition

  1. Unfortunately, I’m visiting blogs on a Sunday morning, when apparently WP is having problems with pictures. Yours aren’t showing up. I’ll have to swing back later to get the full affect.

    Regarding the husband-wife dynamic, do you often find yourself completing sentences for him? Or jumping back into a conversation began months ago, without missing a beat? Isn’t love grand . . . ?

    Have a good Sunday!

  2. Or is that “effect”? I’m an English major, for chrissake?!

    Time to go to work . . .

  3. Jason still thinks the blog is called, “Jason. What the hell?”

    Some days it is, I suppose. 🙂

    Thanks for the shout-out.

    Oh and yesterday? We had a conversation in which he said, “You know. That song! THAT SONG!” for about twenty minutes. I still have no clue what was going on.

  4. I liked it and I’m looking forward to the bathroom edition. 😛

    #1 I’m afraid I relate to this story from your husbands point of view. 😕

    #2 Priceless. 🙂

    #3 Soon to be priceless. It’s hidden video time. 😉

  5. Tysdaddy: I don’t complete a lot of his sentences, because they’re usually about plumbing (which I know sweet bugger all about), or a bad call by a ref in a football game (I love football, but am woefully uneducated as to the rules). But when it comes to spelunking in his brain for something forgotten, I’m a pro.

    Chick: The worst one ever involved a song that is actually called “That Song.” It was just like “Who’s on First”, but with way more cussing.

    Peter: Well, the absolute funniest stories are in the bathroom, I’m not gonna lie. But there’s gotta be a point where someone reads and says “Wow, I did NOT need to know that.”

  6. Always funny, Ginny. Terrible for insomnia though.

    I bet you could do stand-up comedy.

    M

  7. OMG wieners should be well and truly hidden between bread … imagine displaying them and eating them with veggies! Someone has it very wrong.

    I am impressed that the wiener packaging is written in French – do you buy imported ones …. wow

  8. Seriously, you can’t tell me that it doesn’t sound like Jim Carrey singing on B.Y.O.B., especially during the “Lalalalalalalalala” part. Yeah, Jim Carrey all the way. Everytime I hear that song, I picture Ace Ventura widly gesticulating.

  9. P.S. I think you’re so rad I’m gonna blogroll you on my second blog, 800miles.wordpress (I was gonna keep it mostly lovey couple stuff that greenmet people might not like, but I’ve already got one decent rant on there) so now you’re EXTRA popular 😛

  10. Michael: I’m gonna print that on business cards: “Ginny —-, Wanna Be Freelance Writer, Terrible for Insomnia”.

    Wendz: They are by no means exotic weiners. Canada is officially bilingual, and ALL our packaging is in both English and French (which results in a nation of people who speak “cereal box French”).

    Em: I have honestly never heard Jim Carrey in that song. Until now. Awesome. (And nice new blog! It makes being a voyeur so much simpler!)

  11. I once read the contents of a package of turkey dogs. The main ingredient was “mechanically separated turkey” and ever since then I have wanted to see that machine. I also stopped buying turkey dogs.

    These days all my hot dogs, and we eat plenty of them, are brought home by my butcher soon-to-be hubby. Nothing is better than home made wieners.

  12. GiGi: Man, I love the name Gigi! Thanks for letting me know, and welcome!

    Sue: I am so jealous. And cheap. So I’ll continue with the store bought, but I’ll silently be envying your home made wieners from afar…

  13. Oh my God that was hilarious! “…when was i in space?”
    I too wash my wallet every so often. I have learned not to keep very important things in there and by doing that I have rendered the wallet useless.
    sigh……

  14. I found you thru Laurie Kendrick’s site. Ain’t she a trip, that woman…

  15. Billy: I feel your pain. It wasn’t so bad when the husband was rockin’ a velcro wallet (because THAT’S how long we’ve been together), but when you start wrecking the nice ones, well, that’s not cool.

    Gigi: Laurie is, indeed, a trip. Like a trip to a fun bar, on the wrong side of town.

  16. Hey, found you through Ask And Ye Shall Receive. Very funny post. Had to try not to laugh out loud as I’m currently at work.

    As Arnold said, “I’ll be back.”

  17. Thanks Employee! Welcome, and I’ll try to be safer for work. (I’m lying.)

  18. I am laughing so hard that I am crying. Thank you so much for that.

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