My darling, handsome, strong, smart, funny, attractive, shockingly well-endowed husband (Are we even, now?) dropped my son off at preschool for me today.


My son has a little friend there. We’ll call him H. H’s family is Catholic. Hardcore. Practicing. 4 kids and one more on the way kind of practicing Catholics. H likes to talk God. A lot. As in “God is the boss of you, you know.”


So my husband hears H talkin’ God to my son this morning.


My son replies, “God’s not even REAL!!”


Uh oh.



My first foray into “religion” with the boy came a year and a half ago, when his great-grandmother passed away. He asked where she went. I was in the middle of trying to nurse a very cranky baby, and I hadn’t slept for a long time. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. But I had to say something.


“She went to Heaven.” Oh crap. I realize where this line of questioning is going to go. I always thought than when these questions came up, I would have already prepared a thoughtful and balanced discussion about the world’s major religions, complete with visual aids. Nope.


“Where’s Heaven?”


“It’s where God lives.” Oh man, this train is going right off the rails, and all I can do is watch.


“Who’s God?”


“Well, he’s the guy who some people believe (look at me, still scrambling to keep this objective) created the world and the people in it.”


My son sits for a full minute. He doesn’t say anything, and I assume he’s lost interest.


“God, hey?




“Oh. I thought his name was Larry.”



So, apparently, he’s decided some things on his own since our “big” talk. Part of me is happy that I’m raising a kid who questions dogma. Part of me feels like I’ve already shut doors for him. And part of me is still wondering how many omnipotent Larrys my kid knows.


15 responses to “Larry

  1. Larry *lol*.
    My kids don’t know anything about heaven or God yet. They haven’t asked. But when they do, I’ll ensure that they know everything I do, and I want to take them with me on a journey to understand the multitudes of other deities worshiped in the world too.

    It should be fun. 🙂

  2. I managed to cobble together my knowledge of God and religion from spotty Sunday school attendance (which was actually on a Tuesday…that might be another post), taunts from the religious kids on the playground, and those great big “Children’s Bible Stories” books that were always in the doctor’s waiting room. I, like you, am going to have to figure some shit out alongside my kids.

  3. You might want to question the boychild about who Larry is. If this Larry guy has children believing he’s God, you might want to learn a thing or two from him. Or Him I guess that would be…

  4. I’d rather talk about sex, taxes, bullies and the rising cost of fuel with my son, but that ‘s me. 😐

  5. Yikes.

    My fear would be the shutting of doors.

    I’m forver doubting what I know for sure, so I’d struggle to be able to teach affirmatively one way or the other.


    Larry, there are not enough spiritual leaders called Larry.

  6. There’s just not enough Larrys, period.

  7. ROFL! That’s awesome.

  8. Not to be irreverent but..does your husband have a BROTHER?

  9. LOL Stil! Sometimes you gotta say what you gotta say to get what you want…
    (You stopped reading at “shockingly well-endowed”, didn’t you, sweetie?)

  10. Loved this. Those conversations can be so hard. Keep ’em thinking, my dear . . .

  11. Yup, Brian, just gonna soldier on…

  12. O_o *eye twitch* O_<

    Peyton was in a Catholic School a few weeks ago. Now he’s really pissed at the Romans. (!?!) He informed me this was because now he knows what they did to Jesus. Nailed him to the fence and put straw in his hair…better not track that into the house. Peyton learned his lesson after Grandma wasn’t strong enough to pull him from the crevice in which he was lodged between two round bales. Straw everywhere!

    Last week he went on the crusades. Taped a white sheet of paper with a red-crayon-cross on it to his chest. Cut himself out a shield and a sword with his safety scissors and ran around the house yelling, “I’m the saviour of Christ!”

    I also taught him to swear in french because he is in the same school as immersion kids and I didn’t want him to be unable to defend himself verbally…

    And you thought it it was a good idea to tell Ben, “Nice boys like you don’t do things like that…” cuz you heard me say it. That’ll show you for thinking I know what I’m doing.

  13. I am weeping I am laughing so hard right now. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I fricking love that kid!!

    (And BTW, I will continue to take parenting tips from you. Your results speak for themselves. You’re raising the Savior of Christ, for Larry’s sakes, and that’s good enough for me!)

  14. PS – He also likes to emulate Davy Crockett and even has a ‘coon skin hat he runs around in, catching “bares” and fighting “red skins”. This week he was King Richard the Lionheart until Grandma did a little internet research and discovered his fine reputation for marrying Robin Hood to Maid Marion…

  15. If ever a family deserved a reality show, it is yours. People would be wearing “Peyton!” T-shirts within weeks.

    (I love that you taught him bad words in French in the name of self defense. And you wonder why you’re my role model…)

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