Ginny’s Lessons from the Sandbox

 

Hey kids! My name is Ginny. My children and I have seen you at this playground a couple of times. During the day, you’re with your nannies (They don’t speak a whole lot of English. It doesn’t seem to matter. A couple of rolls of the eyes, shrugs, and shakes of the head are all we seem to need.) In the early evening, we see you here with your dads. You’re young. You’re finding your way in the world. (You’re also finding your own genitals. These are exciting times for you, aren’t they?) The thing is, I like you. And I think there’s some things you aren’t gonna learn any other way. So I’m just gonna lay it out for you:

 

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DAD’S A DOUCHEBAG

 

1.  He checks his Blackberry. A lot. And he can’t just glance at it while playing with you. He needs to stop what he’s doing, announce that “Daddy has to check his email” in a firm (and strangely loud) voice. He also needs the other dads to see him do this. How else will they know how gosh darned important he is? That he’s sacrificing to spend this time with you? Sadly, this rarely ever works. The other d-bag dads are doing the same thing, and won’t notice. 

 

2.  He tucks his shirt into his pants. There is no excuse for this. (Actually, there is. If he’s over 50, and you’re part of his “2nd Family”, then I can understand. He’s too busy paying child support and hoping the Viagra kicks in to keep up with how the “kids” are dressing these days.) 

 

3.  He’s overheard telling the other dads that he thinks it’s important to give your mom “this break” at the end of the day. You know, so she can clean up after supper, get the dishes done, do some laundry, tidy the house, balance the checkbook and mow the lawn. In peace. 

4.  He insists on using the playground equipment to do chin ups, thereby illustrating that he does, indeed, still “have it”. 

5.  While fulfilling his “hide” requirement in your game of hide and seek, he ignores the panic in your voice as you start to get really, really scared that he actually left the park without you. He lets you work yourself into a right frenzy before finally coming out from behind a tree. “Gotta toughen ’em up sometime!” he is heard to justify remark. 

6.  He uses one of these:

 

 

P.S.  You might not get this now, but I’ll tell you this, for what it’s worth:  It is entirely possible to be a great dad AND a douchebag.  The fact that your dad is at the park with you leads me to believe he is, indeed, a good dad.  What scares me is the way you adoringly look at him, and think he’s the coolest thing, evah.  He’s not.  And I’m just trying to break the cycle.  (Maybe you have a cool uncle to use as a role model?  Look into it.)  Good luck, and godspeed.

 

(Images borrowed from here, here, and here.)

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19 responses to “Ginny’s Lessons from the Sandbox

  1. Is it bad that my kids have leashes? ‘Course, they’re much cuter than that one. Too funny…have you been lurking at the park near me?

  2. Oh, ouch! (laughing and glad I don’t live near you!)

    M

  3. LOL! I’ve heard of such creatures, but in my working-class, immigrant town, most kids are just plain unaccompanied on the playground. 😦 I wonder who’s worse off, though….

  4. Sweetie: Welcome!

    Lovey: We’re going to have to agree to disagree on the leash issue. And yes, I have been lurking at the park near you. That was a lovely yellow sweater you had on the other day…

    Michael: Glad you don’t live near me? Like any of this applies to you?!?! Puhleeze!

    Writinggb: I agree wholeheartedly (and included the necessary caveat). Thanks 😉

  5. *LMAO* You’re a damn nut!!

  6. Why, thank you! Did you see my matching yellow granny houseshoes–they really make the outfit! 🙂

  7. Oh dear. See, not having kids I’m not in the sandbox much. My surrounding douchebags are breaking into their first white collar jobs and still talking like the kinds of dudes who souped up their cameros back in scarborough. They’re still douchebags but their venue is the elevator. At least when we all get to the point of kids and sandboxes I might be able to kick a little sand 😉

    And dude, good call on the blackberry. What is with those things?

  8. I despise blackberries.

    And if I had kids, I’d totally put the snotmongers on leashes. Which is clue #1 that I should never have kids. I don’t want to wind up in one of your blog rants.

  9. It’s not the blackberries themselves I take issue with; it’s the “lookitmeigotashinytoyaren’tyouimpressed!?!” mentality that goes with them, for some people. The majority of people I know manage to use them quite discreetly.

  10. Hi, Ginny,

    I didn’t mean to be downer. 🙂 Of course, I found your post hilarious. It’s interesting, isn’t it, how humor can give more than entertainment though…? Your post got me to thinkin’ about supervision and truly wondering about who is better off. Kids in those rich towns surrounding us seem to be developing heroine addictions at an alarming rate….

    Hmmm. There I go being serious again!

  11. Not a downer….just some perspective (which I appreciate, every now and again). 🙂

  12. This is hilarious, Ginny.

    #3 is my favorite! LOL.

  13. A father knows he has done it right when he overhears his son’s wife-to-be say, “has he always been this way?” Then mom laughs like crazy and says, “are you kidding me?”

  14. Welcome back, Allen! I’m assuming the above is from personal experience? 😉

  15. Hmmm, I’m wondering if 7 & 8 is to young to have my daughters read this. Might change their perception. Cause those damn douchebags come in many forms.

  16. The thing is, they’ve probably picked up on cues from you, and they already KNOW these people when they see them. Coolness begets coolness, douchieness begets douchieness.

  17. Oh, man, this is funny.

  18. Thanks, Stiletto. I try, I really do. 😉

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