I work. I work really, really hard. But no, I do not work outside the home. Well, my job does occasionally take me outside this paradise I call home (swimming lessons, preschool, doctor’s appointments), but it’s essentially a volunteer position.
I used to “work”. I even did a brief stint in an office between babies. Once upon a time, I had a resume. I kept it updated, tweaked it every couple of months. I’d have to start all over again at this point.
Since the last time I was in the game, resumes have changed. Now I’ve been hearing about “keywords”. As I understand it, there are certain words companies are looking for. If you don’t use them in your resume, they pass you over, whether or not you’re amply qualified. Maybe it’s an urban legend, but I’ve heard that it’s not even a person looking for the words, a fricking machine can tell whether or not I’m made of the right stuff for the company. (If the personnel departments at the last 2 jobs I had couldn’t tell I was all wrong, what chance does a lowly computer have?)
I’m a terrible liar. I couldn’t actually use words that I didn’t believe truly applied to me. Luckily, I have a fairly elastic view of the truth. I found a list of “keywords” for different areas, and these are the ones I think I can get away with:
Directed – “Go to the fridge, get the milk, and pour it in a glass. No, the milk. On the bottom shelf. BOTTOM shelf! You know what, just grab Mommy a beer. Good girl!”
Guided – “This is a public bathroom. You don’t want to touch the seat with your hands, never mind your tongue. You’ll thank me for that lesson later.”
Inspired – “I don’t care if that kid laughs at you for wearing a cape. You have an imagination, and you’re gonna be fine. That little snot-nose is gonna be asking you if “you want fries with that?”in 10 years. Hey, does anybody else feel like fries?”
Set Up – “What do you mean you’re not “into” Lego anymore? I spent all damn day putting together this race track, you’re gonna like it!”
Originated – Ummm, I originated two whole god damned PEOPLE!!! Top that!!
Introduced – “Kids, this is Jake. You will be nice to him, because his mom is the only mom from playgroup who doesn’t make me want to slit my own throat with a piece of corrugated cardboard.”
Negotiated – “If you let Mommy sleep for 5 more minutes, 5 little wee minutes, I’ll buy you a pony. No, swear to god, I’ll do it.”
Enhanced – “Yup! Chocolate chips right in the pancakes! Doesn’t that blow your little mind?”
Performed – “OK, but this is the last freakin’ time. ‘The wheels on the bus….’”
Investigated – “What is this stuff on the couch? It looks like peanut butter, but… OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKES!!!”
Corrected – “Once again – her name is Mrs. Schmidt. Schmidt. Please promise Mommy you’ll try harder next time?”
Tackled – “There are 5 loads of laundry, 2 sinks of dirty dishes, the floors haven’t been swept in 3 weeks, there’s something growing in the fridge, the basement’s flooded again, and your mom’s gonna be here in an hour? Awesome! I’m on it!”