Ohhhh! You’re a stay-at-home Mom! So you don’t WORK, then?

 

I work. I work really, really hard. But no, I do not work outside the home. Well, my job does occasionally take me outside this paradise I call home (swimming lessons, preschool, doctor’s appointments), but it’s essentially a volunteer position.

 

I used to “work”. I even did a brief stint in an office between babies. Once upon a time, I had a resume. I kept it updated, tweaked it every couple of months. I’d have to start all over again at this point.

 

Since the last time I was in the game, resumes have changed. Now I’ve been hearing about “keywords”. As I understand it, there are certain words companies are looking for. If you don’t use them in your resume, they pass you over, whether or not you’re amply qualified. Maybe it’s an urban legend, but I’ve heard that it’s not even a person looking for the words, a fricking machine can tell whether or not I’m made of the right stuff for the company. (If the personnel departments at the last 2 jobs I had couldn’t tell I was all wrong, what chance does a lowly computer have?)

 

I’m a terrible liar. I couldn’t actually use words that I didn’t believe truly applied to me. Luckily, I have a fairly elastic view of the truth. I found a list of “keywords” for different areas, and these are the ones I think I can get away with:

 

Leadership:

 

Directed – “Go to the fridge, get the milk, and pour it in a glass. No, the milk. On the bottom shelf. BOTTOM shelf! You know what, just grab Mommy a beer. Good girl!”

 

Guided – “This is a public bathroom. You don’t want to touch the seat with your hands, never mind your tongue. You’ll thank me for that lesson later.”

 

Inspired – “I don’t care if that kid laughs at you for wearing a cape. You have an imagination, and you’re gonna be fine. That little snot-nose is gonna be asking you if “you want fries with that?”in 10 years. Hey, does anybody else feel like fries?”

 

Initiative:

 

Set Up – “What do you mean you’re not “into” Lego anymore? I spent all damn day putting together this race track, you’re gonna like it!”

 

Originated – Ummm, I originated two whole god damned PEOPLE!!! Top that!!

 

Introduced – “Kids, this is Jake. You will be nice to him, because his mom is the only mom from playgroup who doesn’t make me want to slit my own throat with a piece of corrugated cardboard.”

 

Achievement:

 

 

Negotiated – “If you let Mommy sleep for 5 more minutes, 5 little wee minutes, I’ll buy you a pony. No, swear to god, I’ll do it.”

 

Enhanced – “Yup! Chocolate chips right in the pancakes! Doesn’t that blow your little mind?”

 

Performed – “OK, but this is the last freakin’ time. ‘The wheels on the bus….’”

 

Problem Solving:

 

Investigated – “What is this stuff on the couch? It looks like peanut butter, but… OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKES!!!”

 

Corrected – “Once again – her name is Mrs. Schmidt. Schmidt. Please promise Mommy you’ll try harder next time?”

 

Tackled – “There are 5 loads of laundry, 2 sinks of dirty dishes, the floors haven’t been swept in 3 weeks, there’s something growing in the fridge, the basement’s flooded again, and your mom’s gonna be here in an hour? Awesome! I’m on it!”

 

Advertisements

8 responses to “Ohhhh! You’re a stay-at-home Mom! So you don’t WORK, then?

  1. I am worried by the fact I believe there is a computer scouring resumes somewhere for these words.

  2. OMG! I absolutely loved this! It brings it all back. I have been a stay at home mom for 20+ years. The youngest is now 16.

    The resume’ deal is what kept me from going back into the work force. That and the fact ‘the working world’ seems to think I must be brain dead after ‘not working’ for so long.

    Ha! Have they checked what we are worth if someone was to pay us for all the jobs we do? No!? I didn’t think so!

  3. I came back to work in November after maternity leave for my second child. Mainly, I came back to get a break from the kids (though I love them and miss the time with them desparately!)- staying at home is DEFINITELY not the soft option! I salute you!

  4. Michael (per Agnes)

    Hi Ginny,

    I’m responding for my dear wife. She’s telling me what to say while she gets cereal for the kids on her way downstairs to use the treadmill.

    1. The title is so true! I’ve had like, so many people say that too me. Mostly men! Remember that life insurance bastard who asked me if my weight was 200? 210?

    2. I totally agree with the volunteer part. . . Can I take that $20 in the coffee can?

    (Me: we both snorted loudly at the cardboard to throat description and the Schmidt line.)

  5. That Donald Trump show would really suck (even more) if the highlight of the show was a machine spitting out resumes, and in a robotic voice saying “You Are Fired”. Then again, maybe that would be an improvement. 😛

    “It looks like peanut butter, but… OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKES!!!” Hilarious! 😉

  6. Maybe the machine should say “You Are Inadequate” so as to avoid being fired by the Donald. After all, it would just be the resume stage. 😕 Hmmm…

  7. Max: Maybe if I only apply for jobs with the Amish, computers will not judge me. Are the Amish hiring?

    Kerry: 20+ years??? Wow, I honestly don’t know if I have that in me. I threaten my husband with the “you can’t afford to replace me” arguement whenever he gets out of line. So far, so good…

    Suzy: Isn’t that true? I was losing my freakin’ mind after the first kid (and we were poor) so I went back to work. Then, I got to spend all of my lunch hours for the first month quietly sobbing in a bathroom stall, wracked with guilt that someone else was raising my baby. Sigh.

    Agnes: Finally! The woman behind the man! Good to “see” you on here! That insurance salesman is going to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

    Peter: “Maybe the machine should say ‘You Are Inadequate'”. Tee hee. I’d want a portable version, so I could pass judgement on others, but still feel detached from the process.

  8. Dedicated: Knock it off or my hand will be permanently swatting your rear end.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s