3 things that are guaranteed to make me cry:


  1. Linus’ speech from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”. As soon as he starts off with “Lights please?”, I am a sobbing mess. I am not a religious person. To tell the truth, I feel more “Yule” than “Christmas”, but damn, that’s a great piece of TV.


  2. Baby obituaries. I don’t have to read their name, the circumstances. Just the dates.


  3. “Blue Skies” by Willie Nelson. Never you mind why.


3 things that made me laugh to the point of mild hysteria:


  1. The “specials” blackboard at a restaurant that had been altered by an especially spirited child to read , “TODAY’S SPECIALS: Clown Soup and Poo Pie.” I laughed for so long, and so hard, the rest of my family made their way to the car, stared at me, and wondered what to do next.


  2. A line from “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”. The movie (if you haven’t seen it) (and you probably haven’t, it was a bit of a flop, apparently) is a spoof of “Walk the Line”, “Ray”, the lives of Brian Wilson, the Beatles, etc. Dewey’s wife has left him, and he has told her she can keep the kids, but he’s takin’ the monkey! The next shot is Dewey and the monkey on a tour bus: “I’ve had it with all this crap! All you care about is fruit and touching yourself! Well fuck you!” I still lose it a little, just thinking about it.


  3. The time my son sleep-peed into his toy box. I caught him with his eyes closed, pants down to his ankles, peeing into a cube from his shelving unit. I hand washed 82 Hot Wheels cars that day. If I hadn’t laughed, I would have had to run screaming into the street, tearing out my own hair by the handful. And who wants to be known for that?


3 best days of the week:


  1. Saturday


  2. Friday


  3. Thursday/Sunday (tie)


3 best put downs I have ever heard:


  1. “You, Geraldine Cutler, are the human equivalent of biting tinfoil.” This was from Lisa Kogan, in an article in O Magazine. Worth the price of admission.


  2. “She has the IQ of a soap dish.” This was from a complaint I dealt with. You’d think that was a consumer talking about someone at a company. Nope. Other way around. The company’s not around anymore. Go figure.


  3. “You know, you’re still pretty, for a bigger girl.” This, from my mother-in-law. While looking at my wedding pictures. Sigh.


3 talents I do not possess:


  1. The ability to carry a tune.


  2. Any artistic ability beyond the most rudimentary of stick persons.


  3. Whistling.


3 sports that interest me not in the least:


  1. Soccer. Not even Beckham can change that. It bores me, and makes me tired by proxy.


  2. Baseball. I’m sorry. I tried. Maybe it was too many gym classes spent “playing” center field, while actually picking dandelions and watching gophers, just waiting for the inning to be over and for the teacher yell at me to come in. (Although I did sit 2 rows behind W.P. Kinsella at a Jays game. Now that interested me…)


  3. Golf/Nascar (tie). The only way I could watch these is if the “athletes” involved switched sports. Golfers, start your engines. Drivers, choose your club. And their fans would have to follow them. Mayhem would (hopefully) ensue.



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