1. People who never, ever say thank you. Especially when those are the same people who are in the habit of asking for very large favors.
2. Hummers. And the people who marketed them as a viable choice for city dwellers. I like big, shiny things as much as the next guy. But come on...
3. Episodes of television shows where children who share my children’s names are beaten, kidnapped, killed and worse. They should have to put some type of warning at the beginning. “The following program contains scenes of violence against children named (insert your child’s name here). Really fucked up shit. Just turn this show off if you have a kid named (insert your child’s name here). You won’t sleep if you watch this. Don’t be a hero.”
4. Chapped lips. I am in a most vicious cycle of lip balm application and peeling.
5. Those who cannot resist diagnosing my children’s ailments. Just go to medical school, already, and get the Medical Degree (you feel) you so richly deserve.
6. The fact that the city left my Christmas tree and took everyone else’s in yesterday’s garbage collection. WTF?
7. The promo for “Lost” that keeps playing. It includes the line “Every single living person on this island will be killed.” That’s right, just the living ones. We’re not gonna kill the dead ones; lord knows they’ve been through enough.
8. In the 2 days this week that I’ve received mail, I’ve had 3 pieces of mail addressed to someone else. Is someone else getting all my mail? (If you use my Victoria’s Secret Catalog for other than its intended purpose, God will know. And he will punish you.)
9. The “charity” that’s been calling every morning. As soon as I answer, they hang up. You suck. I will donate money to an opposing charity, out of spite. Does anyone have the number for “Starve the Children”?
10. The temperature has not climbed above -25 Celsius. For 4 days. (I’m willing to admit this may be the inspiration for the rest of the list.)