Labels

 

A Label That Angered Me:

 

“philosophy: the natural aging process causes the soft tissues of our faces and bodies to begin to descend. our eyebrows frown, our lids droop, our eyes appear hollow, our noses and ears are larger, and our jawbone is less defined. as for our breasts, our bellies, and our buttocks, it’s no different. we can fight the process or we can yield to losing our bodies, gaining our souls, and finding our grace.”

 

Awwww. How warm and fuzzy. How “I’m OK, you’re OK”. What an inspiring little piece.

 

What a bunch of bullshit.

 

This is from the side of a bottle of lotion.

 

A bottle of “firming body lotion”.

 

So what they might as well have said was “We know we should all be OK with aging, but it’s gross. The official party line is ‘getting old is cool’, but (wink wink) we know how you really feel. Use this stuff, so you can avoid all the crap we just waxed poetic about above.”

 

A Label That Made Me Say “WTF”?

 

Machine wash cold, gentle cycle.

Lay flat to dry.

Dry cleaning allowed.

Iron on a cool setting.”

 

This was on the tag of a dish towel.

 

A dish towel.

 

Dear Little Dish Towel:

 

I don’t know if you know this or not, but your life is going to be spent in my kitchen. You will be subjected to some unspeakable, horrific things. You will smell disgusting. You will harbor dangerous bacteria. At some point, I may be with it enough to realize you are a biohazard. At that point, I will launder you. OK, to be quite honest, I will just remove you from the rotation, throw you to the basement floor by the washer, and wait till enough of your friends are in the same condition before you will actually be laundered. But when the time comes, you will be washed in the hottest water available. On the most punishing setting my washer has to offer. Bleach will permeate your every fibre. You will enter a hot, hot dryer. You will never know the steely touch of an iron. Dry cleaning will be an abstract concept, one which does not apply to you. Suck it up, princess. You’re in it for the long haul.

 

A Label That Made Me Smile:

 

Please do not pick up by fold.”

 

From the top of a bag of sugar.

 

The sugar company really, really cares about me. They don’t want me to spill sugar on my kitchen floor, and have chosen to warn me in an effective, long lasting way.

 

If I worked for the sugar company, I’d be putting “Pick up here” in the weakest possible spot. I’d make sure people were wasting mountains of sugar, and running back to buy more. Screw ’em.

 

Thank you, little bag of sugar, for making me smile.

 

 

Dish towel, you could learn a lot from sugar.

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7 responses to “Labels

  1. Thank you. I have laughed until it hurt. I can go to bed now.

  2. Oh my! I don’t think it should hurt. Maybe you should have that checked out…

  3. Man, you are so funny. Love this post!

  4. Wow. Those dish towel people are very confused.

  5. Kitty: ::blush::

    Max: Perhaps there’s a lot of cashmere sweaters somewhere, with instructions to wash in hot water, dry on highest setting. Man, that’d piss some people off…

  6. A girl I knew going through a rough spot stayed with me till it got sorted and she did laundry. All laundry. Any laundry. Even laundry I hid trying to save it. And she washed it all on high.

    I think it was her way of saying thank you but wow did she not understand “dry clean only” at all by the time she left every sweater I owned was size -9.

  7. Pingback: All Day Sucker | Praying to Darwin

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