Right before bed last night, I read the latest post at “Beats Entropy”. It was a grainy little piece of sand, stuck in my craw all night. In case you were too lazy to go read it (your loss), he basically talks about how those of us who are not white-collar professionals, with incomes in the mid 6 figures, can get tripped up by how to define ourselves. We feel it from the doctors and lawyers. We do it to ourselves.
While the rest of my friends were “go-getting”, I was in the midst of some early 20’s loopiness. I didn’t have a major, I didn’t make it to class, I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do, I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted to do.
None of the Job Titles were feeling right. The loopiness progressed into full-blown, 3rd generation batshit craziness. I was, in short, a hot mess. When I emerged in my mid 20’s, I was left with the unsettling feeling that I had paused for too long, while everyone else had sprinted on ahead. They were Doctors, Marketing Executives, Engineers, etc. Shit or get off the pot, I said to myself. Figure out exactly what’s important.
Family. I had always scoffed at the losers who liked their families. I didn’t need mine. I was FINE. Except that no one falls into that kind of a depression if they’re FINE. I had to shift the paradigm. I liked families. (I kept attaching myself to other families like a desperate mollusk.) I just didn’t like being the daughter in my family of origin.
Having this family, me, my husband, my son and daughter, this is the family I wanted. Would I change some things? Hell yeah. Everyday, I find something I’d tweak in this crazy ass stay at home mom life. On top of that, I deal with others’ misconceptions and pre-judgements about who I must be, to be doing this job.
So I’m mulling all this over as I drift off last night. When I wake up this morning, I turn on Sesame Street for my toddler, hoping she will be distracted enough to let me catch 5 more minutes of sleep. She is not. I peevishly give up, sit up in bed, and watch through half-open eyes.
Ben Stiller is on this particular segment. They’re doing “These Are The People In Your Neighborhood.” They go through the mail woman, the cable guy. Then, Stiller dresses up as a piece of cheese. The characters ridicule him. “A piece of cheese is not a thing you can be.”
I had this vision of myself walking on the set after Ben Stiller. Grover asks me who I am. I tell him I am a Stay-at-Home mom. Grover rolls his eyes. “Stay at home….seriously, WTF? Who keeps sending these jokers. Stay-at-home mom isn’t a thing you can be. Go sit by the fucking cheese…”