The above are:
a) People who I have not made out with
b) People whose mugshots are cooler than mine
c) People who have been arrested for drinking and driving
Trick question. All 3 are actually true.
A couple of weeks ago, Kiefer Sutherland entered that exclusive club, the Famous People Caught Driving with a BAC of Over .08. (FPCDWABOO.08 for short) (It’s not really catching on, though. I wonder why.) It’s just gotten kind of old. A new famous person drives drunk each week. They get caught. They might do some time, in either jail, or rehab. Yawn.
Why? Why does anyone drive drunk? But especially famous people. I don’t drive drunk. If I have to spring for the cab, I do it. Or I get someone else to drive. The same options, I am sure, are available to these people. Famous folks always have an entourage of
paid best friends well wishers and hangers-on surrounding them. You’re telling me not even one of them can stay sober enough to drive their meal ticket friend home? If I can shell out the $20 bucks for a cab, I’m sure the stars can, too. Hell, loosen the purse strings, spring for the limo.
But if these ideas have occurred to me, surely they’ve occurred to the celebrities. Apparently, these options are just not viable. So I put on my thinking cap (a sacrifice, trust me, because I look really dorky in hats), and here’s what I came up with.
You celebrities need to utilize your fan clubs.
Here you have a group of adults who love you so much, they are willing to publicly declare their love for you, no matter how geeky that makes them. I bet they love you so much, they would be willing to get out of their nice warm beds, get in the car, drive over to Hyde, toss your sorry ass in their hatchback, and drive you home. Yes, you do run the risk of having to discuss their love of your work in “The Lost Boys”, or “Mad Max”, or “House of Wax” (Scratch the last one. That’s never going to happen.), while you’re just trying not to throw up on your expensive shoes. And yes, one of these fans will now know where you live. Chances are, thanks to Google Earth, they’d already seen your house. It’s really a win-win situation. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a new application form for potential fan club members:
I (state your name here) hereby enter the public record as being a fan of (insert celebrity’s name here). I don’t care who knows, I don’t care what they think of me, I love (celebrity) that god-damned much. I promise my undying devotion. I also promise to pick up (celebrity) if they call me, drunk, for a ride. No matter what time of day, no matter how dive-y the bar, no matter how much (celebrity) has had to drink/smoke/snort/inject. I will avoid eye contact with (celebrity). I will pretend I didn’t notice (celebrity) vomiting in the console of my car. I absolutely will not abuse the privilege of knowing where (celebrity) lives by revisiting their home after I have dropped them off (except to come in and try on their pajamas when they’re not home. There’s gotta be some perks).
sucker rabid fan).