Back Off, Fat Man

It was a Friday afternoon.  The kids were going crazy.  And they weren’t being very nice to each other.

Me:  THE BOY!  You outweigh your sister by 25 pounds!  You can’t push her around like that!

The Boy:  She’s mean.  She called me a butthead.

Me:  She’s 2.  She doesn’t even know the word “butthead”.

The Girl:  (singing) Butt-head.  Butt-head.

Me:  I owe you an apology, son.  But seriously, you need to stop being mean to each other.

The Boy:  Why?

Me:  (I’ve been waiting for the right time to drop this one.  Last year I pulled it out way too soon.  Like, September.)  You need to behave, because Santa is watching you.

The Boy:  Really?

Me:  Yup.

The Boy:  How?

Me:  Oh, he has his ways.  But he can see you, and he’s keeping track.

(The Boy sits quietly, doesn’t hurt anyone, doesn’t make any messes, doesn’t do anything, for, like, half an hour.)

The Boy:  Mom?

Me:  Yeah?

The Boy:  Can you tell Santa to never mind?

Me:  What?

The Boy:  Yeah, tell him I’m not interested.

Me:  You don’t want any presents.

The Boy:  I do.  But it’s not worth it.  I don’t need that guy in my personal space.

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14 responses to “Back Off, Fat Man

  1. Creepy old man taking notes. Who needs that in his life?

  2. Indeed. Lists suck . . .

  3. My god! Really? Damn, I thought that would work for sure. I knew a guy who had “santa” on his cell phone and threatened his kids with a call everytime they misbehaved. It worked for half the year.

  4. Me too, Ben, Santa can bugger off.

  5. Wow! Your kid has a healthy sense of perspective. Good job, Mom!

  6. I don’t remember being traumatized by finding out that Santa wasn’t real, and I think it’s because I was so relieved to find out there really WASN’T some old man watching me when I was sleeping and who knew when I was awake. That always gave me the heebie geebies.

  7. Ha, your kid has the right idea, I’d totally exchange gifts for the chance to keep pushing other kids around :P And yeah, seriously, what is up with the Santa-stalk concept? Kindly old elf or CIA spook? Brrrrrr.

  8. Yeah, I’m with Ben: sometimes, it just ain’t worth the trouble…..

  9. People in the Sun: Welcome! And yes, I agree. I sure as hell don’t need it.

    tysdaddy: And what does he DO with those lists? Do they become part of your permanent record?

    faemom: That works on most kids. Mine is wound kind of tightly, though.

    cdv: Bugger off, indeed.

    writinggb: Thanks. It’s kind of hit and miss, but it’s there.

    derfina: Yup. If Santa was a civilian, he’d be up on charges by now.

    Em: CIA spook. That’s awesome. I laughed for 5 minutes at that.

    Braja: Welcome! And there seems to be a growing contingent. Maybe you all need to form a support group?

  10. Hee! Your kid just owned both you and Santa! Awesome.

  11. Ginny, that is the creepiest Santa picture. LOL.

    Congrats on Best of Holidailies again, Yay!

  12. gnome: I am so used to getting owned by now. Sad.

    Kitty: I think that’s how the boy sees him, so it seemed right. (And thanks, Kitty! I am shocked.)

  13. Sweet ass, kid! You’re raising a genius!!

  14. Thanks, Nikki. Maybe if I didn’t watch him do at least 10 purely silly things per day, I might buy the genius argument.

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